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Original poster

DH of 3 years refuses to talk finances

26 replies

UndramaticPause · 19/12/2015 21:27

He's said from the get go my money is mine his is his and refuses to talk finances at all. Now in the eyes of the law I understand this not to be the case. If he racks up mountains of debt then I'm liable for it.

Hes currently 'self employed' aka unemployed and not even bringing in any benefits to make up the shortfall so all bills are paid by me transferring funds to his account. He refuses to put my name on the bills and just tells me the amounts each month.

I am, however, increasingly worried that despite him bringing no money in and refusing to allow me to give him extra from my salary, he always has spare money to get booze, petrol, and random crap.

I can only think he's borrowing the money from someone or somewhere.

Can anyone help with the legalities please because I'm planning on sitting him down and trying to get to the bottom of it tomorrow and if he continues to refuse to talk me then I'm walking. (there are other issues and this is the straw that broke the camels back) Where do I stand?

OP posts:
leavesrfalling · 19/12/2015 22:24

I cant help you in where you stand, but my advice is to demand to know now, else you need to get out. Marriage or partnership has to be based on trust and honesty which he is not showing. Hope it works out for you.

Rosa · 19/12/2015 22:27

He just tells you the amounts of the bills - so you don't even see them ? Red flag, not normal.

Gazelda · 19/12/2015 22:27

are you certain he is paying the bills? might he be using the cash as his spending money?
You don't say what the other issues are, but for me this would be a big enough issue to seriously consider walking.

Original poster
UndramaticPause · 19/12/2015 22:32

I have no idea, he has them all emailed to him. Whenever I've asked to see them or be put on them I'm met with "Why? Are you planning on leaving me? You don't need to be on them unless you want proof of address or a credit rating"

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 19/12/2015 22:49

Whose name is the house in and is it rented or mortgaged? I would not pay a single penny more towards bills I didn't even get to see. He will be liable for those if it's just his name on them. What you need is to sort out how you and you alone can be paying towards where you want to live, without this idiot. Others will know the legalities more than me.

Ta1kinPeace · 20/12/2015 14:47

If you are paying the bills you should be doing it directly to the utility company, not to him.
If he will not let you do that then do not pay anything

zipzap · 20/12/2015 14:58

I think you could do a credit check on his name and your address... might be worth a shot? And do your own at the same time to check he hasn't put anything into your name or affected your rating in any way too.

I'd also try twisting things back around on him - his bills, he pays them. If they're in both your names and you get to see them, then you're happy to contribute. If he wants them in just his name then sounds like he wants to leave you if that's his argument for not wanting you on them - what's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that.

I also reckon that he's inflating the amount of the bills and thus say you think you're paying £100/month for gas say, you're actually only paying £60 and he's taking £40 for himself.

Doesn't sound like he wants the marriage to be a partnership of equals - and if that's the case, you need to ask yourself what you want from it.

If you do decide to LTB, then I think that you can do something when you separate to legally say that you no longer have joint finances and thus you aren't liable for any more of his debts. Not sure of the exact details but I'm sure there are plenty of people on here that can tell you more, I'm sure it was on here that I read about it.

doitanyways · 20/12/2015 14:59

No way would I put up with this! No way!

Gliblet · 20/12/2015 15:00

Are you planning on leaving me? You don't need to be on them unless you want proof of address or a credit rating"

DH used to work in debt management - his advice is to sit your DH down and, as a starting point, point out that if anything happens to him (hit by a bus, heart attack or something) you need to know what the contracts for the bills he 'manages' say about your liability in the event of him being unable to cover the bills for any reason.

At the very least if this is causing you stress then he should be considerate enough of your feelings to prioritise you over the fact that he's clearly a bit weird/possessive about his money. And if he pulls the 'why don't you trust me?' card on you, you have every right to ask him exactly the same question.

GoooRooo · 20/12/2015 15:04

I would refuse to pay any bills until they have your name on them and you get to see them every month.

Finallyonboard · 20/12/2015 15:06

I wouldn't be handing over a penny! Stop that until you can have an open conversation. Do you rent? If so, I'd be finding another rental property that I'd be able move into alone.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/12/2015 15:11

Sounds like he's on the fiddle. Defrauding his own wife. Nice Hmm

Something is very not right. You have joint expenses and joint liabilities so you both need to be open.

Tell him you won't be paying another penny until you see copies of the bills.- and then you are paying half and he can get benefits or another job to cover his share.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/12/2015 15:14

And if he pulls the 'are you planning on leaving me?' trick tell him 'yes, unless we can be open about our joint expenses and liabilities like a normal married couple then I will be leaving you because this is not a proper marriage otherwise, it's you treating me like a cashpoint.'

Wolpertinger · 20/12/2015 15:16

I would suspect the bills aren't as big as he says they are and he's leaching off you. Plus prob has a load of credit card debt.

Good luck.

Fyaral · 20/12/2015 15:18

He is being a dick. Who holds the mortgage/tenancy?

listsandbudgets · 20/12/2015 19:46

I wouldnt' be comfortable with this at all OP.

In fact, I think I'd be phoning the utility companies and changing the names on the bills - they'll automatically close his accounts if you notify them that you're now in charge of the bills. The companies don't care WHO pays they just want to be paid. Prepare yourself though - if he's NOT been paying the bills he's going to find himself instigating very awkward conversation with you or he'll leave and and eventually debt collectors will turn up.

Tell him that you'll give him a reasonable allowance each month for his personal expenditure and set up a standing order.

Ughnotagain · 20/12/2015 20:13

zipzap you can't do a credit check on someone else without their explicit consent. That's fraud.

OP, where did you hear this?

If he racks up mountains of debt then I'm liable for it.

Because that simply isn't true. Anything he takes out in his own name is his sole liability. If he takes something out in joint names (or your sole name) without your permission then that's fraud, so you still wouldn't be liable.

I know sometimes as part of a divorce there'll be a ruling made, "X person is responsible for part of this debt" kind of thing, but that tends to be if the other person can be proven to have benefitted from the debt. So if one of you took a loan to buy the other a car, or something.

Choughed · 20/12/2015 21:56

This is financial abuse, clear and simple.

Just refuse to transfer money until you see the bills. If they are in his name you are not liable. If they are in joint names then you can go straight to your suppliers and ask them for the information.

SpecialistSnowflake · 20/12/2015 22:07

Chances are he's creaming some money off what you give him.

Until he's in a situation where he can pay the bills, he has no right to ask 'why' you need to see them. You need to say them because you are the one paying them!! It doesn't get any simpler than that,. Stop giving him money until you see paperwork.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 21/12/2015 21:47

But you do need a credit rating for yourself. 20 years ago I deliberately got a credit card with my bank so I could build a credit rating for myself when I graduated and got a proper job (not just a Saturday job)

I also totally agree with OTheHuge when they say

And if he pulls the 'are you planning on leaving me?' trick tell him 'yes, unless we can be open about our joint expenses and liabilities like a normal married couple then I will be leaving you because this is not a proper marriage otherwise, it's you treating me like a cashpoint.'

Original poster
UndramaticPause · 21/12/2015 21:48

Thank you all for your advice. We talked. He's going to print off the latest bills for me tomorrow and we are going to go through things and work out a budget together.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 21/12/2015 22:35

excellent news.

please - it is essential that both partners in a shared household have control and knowledge of the finances. For trust reasons and to keep you both safe if one of you is incapacitated.

zipzap · 22/12/2015 00:07

That's good to hear.

If you look on the moneysavingexpert.com website they have some budget planners and worksheets to go through, might take some of the stress out of it if it is both of you working through something that somebody else (who's an expert in this) has worked out, rather than him feeling that you are making him do stuff and putting you against him in a teacher/jailer/parent/etc role if that makes sense...

Ta1kinPeece · 22/12/2015 12:18

Its good to talk.
Have a look at my spreadsheets on this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc?msgid=58234982#58234982
they might come in useful Smile

Notrevealingmyidentity · 22/12/2015 12:27

Oh dear
Major red flag. Why why did you marry him without being joint financially ?

A friend of mine was in a relationship like this. Turned out everything was in his name, the house, the business, all "their" money.

He left her and she's got nothing now. 10 years they were together.

I should also add he was a nasty abusive arse - gas lighting, verbal abuse etc although he only became violent when it became obvious she would no longer accept his behaviour.

Not saying this is your DH but it is worrying.