I am just so sick of worrying

[twinklingfairy]

DH and I have been together for 11 years and in all that time we have been in and out of financial scrapes too many times to count.
But money, to DH is like water.
I have no idea what he does with the stuff but he takes it out of the account and it is just gone.
He is working away and was sent at the end of the month.
Our joint account had about £250 left in it and I had some in a seperate account for my needs.
I hoped we would have some left for the overdraft, but no
DH spent the lot in the space of a week.
£65 alone in food
£120 in his hipper.

I spent, including £20 on petrol £91 for me and two children.

He just isn't getting any better!

I have tried giving him an allowance before, not letting him access the joint account, but I start to feel like I am belittlling him so I stop. Then he spends and I am back to square one.

I don't know what to do anymore!!
Other than leave him because I have just had it, up to here with it all!
Always scraping the bottom of the barrel and fearful that we will run out from the middle of every month.

You have to get past the idea that you are 'belittling him'. When you're married to someone that is irresponsible with money you either keep them on a tight reign or you spend a big part of your life trying to buy a fiver's worth on a quid. Tell him first, obviously. But, if he has form, it'll come as no surprise to him if you reinstate the restrictions.

I sympathise because I used to be married to someone just like that. He could blew thousands and have nothing to show for it. In the end it was part of why we broke up. Since he left, and despite him earning a lot more than I did, I've never had so much spare cash.

Good luck

It is the fact that I worry about it, scrimp and save where I can (I can't remember when I bought clothes that were not out of a charity shop) and he is just oblivious or has answers for it all.

Last month he spent £100 on protien powers and coffee capsules!

He tells me now his costs included fuel, lunches and cleaning products, because the accomodation he is in had none.
He shopped didn't he? So why is he also buying lunches?
He has a flatmate, so why did he stump up for the cleaning stuff.
Though the only thing I know he would think on would be cloths and surface cleaner, not big spending huh? Cos, lord knows, he never cleans the bathroom!

I wonder that it might split us too only I am afraid of actually splitting. He is my childrens father afterall. Marriages have to be worked at and all that.

Marriages only work when two people are trying to make them work. When one is acting like they're still single and being irresponsible with the family budget then they're not really working at anything - they're just thinking about themselves.

Don't let fear of splitting make you hold back on this one. Discussing finances honestly is a grisly business because it involves getting everyone's spending behaviours out on the table and means making some grown-up decisions about self-restraint & personal responsibility. But that's what marriage is really about .... trust, responsibility, putting your own needs second place to the family's needs, thoughtfulness. If you don't have that in a relationship, it's not good.

He sounds really immature - so don't worry about belittling him, he's acting like a child so treat him like one.

He talks the good talk when I make him face what he has spent.
Says he realises what he has done, can see what I am saying but then he just does it again.
He sees something, he justifies, in his mind, going and getting it.
Our carpet has needed cleaning since before christmas, but I never feel I can jusify the £50, yet £60 on powder is ok??

As soon as the wage comes in, he spends. Figuring that we have the money.
But by 2 weeks in I am panicing and only just finding out what he has done and what little we have left.

The only way is to take everything away from him, but then that leaves me in the position of having to do all the shopping, with 2 children, because he wouldn't be allowed enough to do it or access to the joint account to do it.

Or give up and ask him to leave, why should I leave our house?
But would the dole take over my mortgage? What happens there?

'But would the dole take over my mortgage? What happens there?'

No. It might, after 26 weeks, take over the interest, to a certain level, but the taxpayer will not buy your home for you, nor should it.

He will be expected to pay maintenance and your solicitor may advise you to sell the marital home.

If your youngest child is age 7 or over, this drops to 5 soon, you will be placed on Jobseeker's Allowance and must look for a job.

It'll get better, it'll get better.
He has signed us up for a trust deed to try to get us out of the mess he has made, meaning that we are now trapped in the house we own. Even though I specifically said sign nothing that jepordises the sale of our house or our capabilities to buy.
They lied to him.
Now we can't sell or move for 5 years!
Not strictly his fault, but certainly not helping his cause at the moment.
'But we will be debt free in 3.5 years!'

He feels sure that working away will save us money so that we can go on the only holiday we have had since our honeymoon (that was paid for by his parents) to a family wedding. But I am seriously doubting that we will make it at all at his rate of spending down there.
Not to mention the overdraft he has created and the £500 we owe the trust deed before the end of July.

First things first. Both agree that you're now sole custodian of joint account. When the wage comes in a monthly DD puts a fixed amount into his personal account for 'spends'... that's his to do with as he wishes. Yo'd either send him out with a fixed amount for shopping or do it online and have it delivered (easier). You'd have the joint account paying all the regular bills and - after a little discussion between you - you'd also use it for occasional expenses like household maintenance (cleaning carpets), family holidays, new appliances etc. If he needed more than his spends to pay for clothes or some other big ticket item, he'd have to apply to you for funds. You'd find a way.

Worst case scenario - a split. You don't leave, he does. :) He'd have an obligation to support his family to some extent. There would be extra help for you in your new role as single parent but you'd also have to accept that you may need to downsize in order to afford your new lifestyle.

I totally did not expect the government to pay for my home, I hope it didn't come accross that way.
I just didn't know how it worked. yes the intrest only makes sense, but then that is all we pay.
My youngest is only 2.5.
Would I not get job seekers then, therefore would get less money?

You would get income support if your youngest is 2.5, potentially. But this, too, depends on assets you have, including a house.

He can get out of a trust deed if he pays the debt early, such as by selling the house and using the procedes to pay it off, or he can negotiate a new scheme if circumstances change.

The house is an asset, though, and will always be considered such by creditors and benefits agencies.

We can't sell the house, trust deed won't let us. It is pretty much a negative equity.
We owe just about as much as it is worth, perhaps a couple of grand, if we got a good price, which is doubtful. It has been on th emartket for a year and we haven't had a viewing!

Then you're kind of stuck together so you'd better get in the financial driving seat - pronto :)

You need to take control of your situation. If it means you keeping him out of the joint account then do it. he will never change, you have to toughen up else you will lose it all. talk is cheap. working away from home is an added cost. if he cant grow up then treat him like the child he is and dont even feel bad or sorry for him coz he's made his bed. I used to be timid and scared, then i realised that we were digging ourselves into a deeper hole and waiting for DH to 'do something' provied futile i had no choice but to take control, he has no access to the accounts, i do everything and things are starting to settle. he might not like it, but tough because either he has his way and my kids loose their home....i chose to keep the roof over my kids, if he gets fed up...he knows where the door is....you can't be looking after a grown man!

£100 on protein powder etc??

You mean the type that is sold to build up muscles that they rip guys off with down the gym?