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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Least worst way to tell a friend who recently miscarried that I am pregnant?

11 replies

OhBuggerandArse · 05/10/2009 13:07

Sorry if asking here is in itself insensitive, but I figured asking people who may have been in this situation what they would find least difficult (or most) might help me at least avoid a really obvious faux pas.

Straw poll? Face to face/phone/email? Should I mention that it was unintentional (she knows I wouldn't have been trying), or would that just add insult to injury?

Is a close friend, someone who I wouldn't in the normal course of events wait till 12 weeks to tell, so feel I need to do something about it soon or she'd feel that it was a bit weird when she eventually did find out; I just don't want to make things any harder for her just now than they are already.

OP posts:

iggypiggy · 05/10/2009 13:15

I think you should tell her - although the unplanned bit you could maybe hold back on unless she asks... That bit would upset me a bit - but to be honest that's kind of for her to deal with and not for you to worry about.

Personally the things that upset me are are wide-ranging and random - and depend on the mood i'm in! Also no-one deals with things in the same way - so can't really second guess how your friend may feel.

I would prefer an email - cos if it does upset me, I don't have to hide it then!

others may feel differently tho!

Is lovely that you are trying to consider her feelings.

LucyTownsend · 05/10/2009 13:15

Definitely face to face - but make sure you tell her that you understand if she needs to keep her distance from you for a while as it may hurt too much.

iggypiggy · 05/10/2009 13:19

Incidentally I can't bring myself to visit friends with children at the mo... or those that are pregnant (think am going bit nuts...) So agree with lucy about the keeping distance thing.

MrsHappy · 05/10/2009 13:25

Email, I reckon.

A very good friend let slipped about her (planned) pregnancy face-to-face shortly after I had lost a baby and to my eternal shame I burst into tears. If she had told me by email I could have done my crying in private.

As it was, because she is such a good friend I told her (by email) that I was sorry, that I couldn't face any baby talk and that I might be a bit distant but it didn't mean I wasn't pleased for her, just that I was grieving. She understood and we are still mates. If your friend does cry/become quite distant, don't be hurt - it is about how she is feeling about her loss, not about how she feels about you.

MrsHappy · 05/10/2009 13:27

Email, I reckon.

A very good friend let slip about her (planned) pregnancy face-to-face shortly after I had lost a baby and to my eternal shame I burst into tears. If she had told me by email I could have done my crying in private.

As it was, because she is such a good friend I told her (by email) that I was sorry, that I couldn't face any baby talk and that I might be a bit distant but it didn't mean I wasn't pleased for her, just that I was grieving. She understood, kept things to a minimum but idn't entirely aboid talking about her pregnancy (fair enough) and we are still mates. If your friend does cry/become quite distant, don't be hurt - it is about how she is feeling about her loss, not about how she feels about you.

MrsHappy · 05/10/2009 13:28

Not sure what happened there - nor why my second post has added typos...

Rindercella · 05/10/2009 13:38

Whatever you do, don't text her. A good friend had a mc a few months ago and a few weeks later had a text from a friend to say, "sorry, I couldn't tell you my fab news to your face as I knew you'd be really upset. Anyway, I'm pregnant "

Really, really not the way to do it.

Congratulations on both your pregnancy and also on your sensitivity - you sound like a lovely friend to have.

Oh, I suggest by email too. And probably best not to say it was an accident.

Original poster

OhBuggerandArse · 05/10/2009 13:45

Thank you all so much for your thoughts - wish you weren't in the position of being able to offer them.

Rindercella, !

OK, seems as if a small consensus towards email is beginning to build? Guess I'd better get drafting.

OP posts:

specialmagiclady · 05/10/2009 13:52

I've been in your position but not the other side. I actually waited to tell anyone - except my parents and the odd random person - until 12 weeks. This gave my friend plenty of time to guess - no drinking, anti-nausea wrist bands, grumpiness gave it away. I arranged to see her very soon after the scan and I said "I know you don't want to hear this and wanted you to be first to know so you didn't find it out from someone else". She had of course suspected as much. She had a good cry after I'd gone. Then fell pregnant with twins about 2 weeks later.

sue10 · 06/10/2009 17:34

Definately email.

What a kind friend you are SML and OBAA, very thoughtful.
XXX.

liliputlady · 06/10/2009 23:23

You are very considerate. Depends on what type of friendship you have; if you tell her face to face you can hug and have a cry together.

I was in the same position as your friend a couple of times. When friends showed their concern for me, it really softened the blow, cos of course I was pleased for them. I had one who made a public announcement of her pregnancy in a group of friends, 2 weeks after I'd had a miscarriage, it had never crossed her mind I might be upset!

Good luck!

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