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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

When does the sadness stop?

28 replies

Cakelaur · 12/03/2018 07:35

I guess what the title says. When does it stop being the only thing I think about? The only thing that matters? I have no idea what happens every day. Its all a blur. I lay awake most of the night crying to myself while my OH sleeps soundly like it's never happened. It's my second AF since MMC and I just wish the world around me would stop.

When does it all stop?

OP posts:

Mwnci123 · 12/03/2018 20:19

I remember being surprised how long the sadness lasted, and how low I felt. Is there someone you can talk to about this IRL? It will get better xx

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 12/03/2018 20:21

You need to give yourself time to heal it will eventually stop hurting as much you will eventually not wake up or go to sleep every day with it being your only thoughts. It's hard to think about but it will happen

ImGoingForATwix · 12/03/2018 20:22

I'm also on my second AF since a late MMC in January. I'm not sure the sadness will ever go away. Maybe we'll just learn how to exist alongside it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it really hurts

Lisalou88 · 12/03/2018 21:25

I had a MMC back in January and I still cry almost every day. I know in time it will get easier but at the minute it seems to be all I can think about from the moment I wake up till I go to bed. My husband seems to have got over it pretty quickly and whenever I talk about he just always says we need to stay positive and look to the future but how can I do that when I know I should have been 20 weeks pregnant. I’ve still not even bad AF and that’s been 8 weeks so I feel as if my body is broken and I will never get pregnant again 😪 thinking of you xx

Original poster

Cakelaur · 13/03/2018 11:12

Thanks ladies. Really appreciate your words. Glad I'm not the only one. I just wish AF would actually show. I'm pretty sure I ovulated 15 days ago. (Opks, cm and bbt) And I though she arrived yesterday but nothing. But I'm testing negative and AF is now 3 days late. Just want to move onto next month so I can try again. So desperate to have a baby in me again.
Sending hugs to you all and so sorry you're going through it too. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Cakelaur · 13/03/2018 11:15

@Mwnci123 I do have people I talk to IRL but none of them have actually been through this. And they all had easy pregnancies. Or haven't been pregnant and aren't trying. It's tough.
I started a blog as an outlet if any of you want to read it.
ttcabigherhousehold.blogspot.co.uk
I had to say it somewhere so I stopped burdening friends and family. It helps a little but i just don't feel like I'm healing.

OP posts:

Annab1983 · 13/03/2018 11:54

So sorry for your losses.. It's still early days give yourself time, it's a massive loss.. I had an ectopic pregnancy the first time.. everyone is different, some will need time before TTC again but I had lost a tube so started again straight away.. got pregnant 3 months later and had a healthy baby which was a miracle given only one tube.. that was the right course for me just do what you need to and when, it will ease in time and you will always remember but you can live with it-for me the sadness is now tinged with being grateful I got to know I was pregnant and carry that little one (I was 9 weeks before the pain started) and it was so loved in that time.. maybe it's strange but I look upon that pregnancy really fondly despite the trauma that followed.. I appreciate i am privileged that I can say that in hindsight and having had a baby since but just wanted to let you know the all consuming despair you are feeling right now will ease, just be easy on yourself xx

HidCat · 13/03/2018 12:28

@Cakelaur I could have written this myself. Just back from EPU having had yet another blood test 8 weeks after being referred. Will have to have another blood test before they can decide why I'm still not back to zero but it kills me every time I go there. Was supposed to go straight back to work after but had to come home coz I can't stop crying.

We're NTNP in the hope I might ovulate soon but like you this is all I can think about and I'm exhausted. Hubby is fine but constantly worried about me and I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want my body to either be pregnant again or get back to normal.

I know it's hard when AF shows up but keep plugging away and your rainbow will come soon I'm sure. Keeping everything crossed for you that it happens quickly and that I'll be right behind you.

meme70 · 13/03/2018 12:38

I Ttc 6 years and miscarried at 9 weeks in 1993

In 2015 I had another one at 9 weeks

Fell immediately the following month for twins
Lost one at 2 months pregnant to hemorghing

Then had soild bedrest for 3 months
I caught sepsis and my waters broke at 5 months pregnant and I nearly died along with baby Lily

I grieve for my lost babies even the one I lost in 1993 I have had 3 children and 3 grandchildren but it always feels a piece of me is missing

Sorry for your loss the pain dims but the loss will always stay with you in your heart xx

ImGoingForATwix · 13/03/2018 13:50

It's that ache to be back in the pregnancy bubble isn't it? I totally understand. Everyone says we just need to give our bodies time but it feels like all we do it wait, wait, wait whilst everyone around us moves on...

We're ttc too. Although I'm trying to be relaxed about it I know this cycle coming is our last shot at a 2018 baby and if that doesn't happen it's going to be yet another kick in the teeth. Have no idea if I'm ovulating again yet. Don't think it happened last month (but I did have norovirus at the time I should have been fertile too so who knows if that played a part!). And then I'm not sure I want to ttc the month after this and have a due date around the first anniversary of the loss of our son...

I just want a miracle! We totally deserve one I think 🤞

Original poster

Cakelaur · 13/03/2018 16:32

@ImGoingForATwix omg that's by biggest sadness at the moment is that there's unlikely to be one in 2018. And in April we go on our 'baby moon' it was booked for the last week I could fly. And I'm dreading going and not being pregnant. So silly.

OP posts:

Welshcake77 · 13/03/2018 19:10

I also had a MMC in January and am on my second AF now. I’ve been so upset the last few days again and it’s all I can think about. I thought I was ok a few weeks ago but now I’m not so sure. This was a surprise pregnancy for us so we aren’t actually TTC now (although we had always talked about having another) but all I want is to be pregnant again. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way too xx

NotBurpeesAgain · 13/03/2018 20:21

Twix and Cakelaur my period came today and my first thought was also that there would be no baby in 2018. I guess it was to be my son's year... he does not want to share.

ImGoingForATwix · 13/03/2018 20:56

It's hard when you hit events/big dates you would have been xx weeks pregnant at cake. The baby moon will be hard but maybe also an opportunity to reflect on everything that's happened and help move through your grief? Looking for a silver lining is hard though. There aren't many positives to look for when you've lost a child.

ImGoingForATwix · 13/03/2018 21:00

I think one more go at a 2018 baby burpees if you've just had your AF? If I got pregnant this cycle it would be a mid December due date (although have already been promised a 37 week induction by our consultant if I ever get that far and if that's what I want). I'm going to give it everything I can this month. But I'm scared about how I'll feel if it's AF again this time next month.

ImGoingForATwix · 13/03/2018 21:01

Sorry for your loss too welshcake, it's the saddest, most painful thing xxx

iamloading · 13/03/2018 21:25

I found it easier once the dates that I'd imagined being pregnant or having a baby had passed. I have one wedding this weekend that I wasn't expecting to be able to go to as my daughter would have been too young. I'm now going but honestly just want to wallow at home. It's 4 months since she was stillborn and it defo is getting slowly easier though. Hugs to you all.

Astella22 · 13/03/2018 21:39

It’s awfull isn’t it!
I’ve has 3 now and the sadness is always there, I remember after my first it was so raw for weeks but as the months ticked on I found myself thinking about it a little less each day and when I realised the guilt took over. TBH it’s a massive rollercoaster of emotions which everyone deals with in their own way. For my first I kept it all bottled up, didn’t want to bother anyone with my sadness but after the second I opened up and talked with my DH, we made a point of saying how we felt everyday and it helped me allot. I had no idea how much it effected him too, he seemed to be grand which I equated to not caring but this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Open up to him it will honestly help you.

If you can take some time off to try ‘reset’.

Heartofglass12345 · 13/03/2018 23:47

for you. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and it was horrible. I was only 8/9 weeks and didnt think it would affect me as much as it did. My sister in law actually gave birth on what wouldve been my due date, so i had a cry then. Luckily i got pregnant 2 months after and had my son 6 weeks after my other baby wouldve been due.
I remember wondering when i would feel like me again, and i think it just gradually happened. It heals with time. Try and talk to your partner about it and just cry as much as you need to.

Original poster

Cakelaur · 14/03/2018 08:06

My OH actually had a chat with me last night (he's been really worried about me) and he said I take too much responsibility for ttc again. And that he wants to share the burden, so that he's helping too. It was the nicest thing he could have said to me. So reassuring. And it's one of the many reasons that I chose him to be my partner in life!! It makes me feel like there's hope. Our relationship has taken a massive beating over the last couple months.

Sending hugs to you all. I'm so sorry for all your losses. Planned or unplanned, losing a baby is horrific. And to lose a stillborn even more so!! Xx

OP posts:

HidCat · 14/03/2018 08:39

Big hugs 🤗 your way @Cakelaur. Sounds like you have a great man there.

Welshcake77 · 14/03/2018 08:59

So glad you had a good chat with your DP last night @Cakelaur sounds like sir what you needed! The sadness and grief can be overwhelming sometimes but is definitely coming and going for me and I guess like all things with time it will get easier to live with. Hope you have a better day today xx

Thank you @Imgoingforatwix it really is just so so sad.
Much love and strength to you all x

Dav029 · 17/03/2018 13:17

I’m new to this, can someone tell me what AF stands for it’s mentioned in a lot of the posts? I had my MMC, first pregnancy, on Thursday evening following some light spotting and was then referred for the scan. Took medication yesterday to manage it and still no signs of anything happening. Like a lot of the people here, my OH just wants to get on with things. I can’t even contemplate that when the worst part is yet to come.

HidCat · 17/03/2018 15:47

@Dav029 so sorry to hear your news. AF is Aunt Flow which is code for period.

Trust your instincts and don't let your partner push you into trying again if you're not ready. He probably doesn't realise what you're going through emotionally and what you have to go through physically. I hope it's all dealt with quickly for you. xxx

Dav029 · 17/03/2018 15:52

@HidCat thanks for the kind words and for the explanation xxx

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