Hi all,
I was posting in the June 2018 babies thread until recently. Got a BFP on October 2, four days before AF was due. I was thrilled, as was DP. For some reason and despite everything appearing normal, I had a 'funny feeling' things weren't going to be OK. I am a bit of a worrier and a cup-half-empty sort so I tried not to worry too much, saw the GP who confirmed via 2 blood tests my HCG levels were rising nicely.
We went on holiday to Spain for a week mid-October with DP's family. He told his Mum and Stepdad who were really supportive and thrilled, though I haven't said anything to my own family as they've been very vocal about not wanting me to get pregnant 'any time soon' (I'm 27; it's none of their business, obviously - but I was planning to wait until a scan to tell them and avoid an unnecessary drama should something go wrong.)
Two days after we got back to the UK I had the tiniest bit of spotting, literally one smear of pink but panicked so saw the GP who referred me for an early scan. By that point I was 7 weeks exactly. The scan showed a totally empty sac, nothing more :( A rescan was booked as my HCG levels were still doubling and up to 19,000 and once again it showed empty. The on call doctor said we could schedule an ERPC providing there was one more follow up scan showing no further growth. I was absolutely devastated.
A week later we had the scan with another doctor (this time the consultant) who wanted to do ANOTHER one 'in case my dates were wrong.' By this point I was beside myself - suffering terrible morning sickness, getting what I perceive to be a 'bump' and falling apart every few days. I've just started a new job (am a teacher) and was really struggling to hold it together. When I said I just wanted it to be over I was sort of made to feel I was giving up on my baby and was I sure I was planning on keeping it - bear in mind at this point I'm 10 weeks 'pregnant' with an entirely empty sac measuring nearly 30mm :(
DP seemed to have come to terms with everything so quickly and the strain my misery was putting on our relationship was horrendous. Enormous rows caused by my up-and-down mood and what I perceived to be his insensitivity. Sex life out the window and no spotting, cramping or any sign anything was wrong. He's being lovely and supportive now and has been consistent in articulating he knows it's so different for me because of my body and hormones and that he can't help the fact that for him the grief was much shorter lived. Funnily enough yesterday before surgery he was very low and said it's really just hit him I'm not pregnant.
As suggested, finally had the ERPC yesterday. Feel very hollow and sad. I want to try again as soon as possible and I keep dreaming about holding my baby. I had a termination about a year ago (same partner, bad timing in our lives with no jobs or home - we've since bought a house and are much happier and ready.) In that Marie Stopes scan at 7 weeks I had seen a bean with a heartbeat. I went ahead with the termination but was devastated and regretted it for a long time afterwards. I feel like I'm being punished by some higher power (nominally an atheist..) Feel like the world has taken away my wanted pregnancy to serve me right for getting rid of the healthy one.
Bleeding and cramping a bit now.. Just feel awful. Physically I haven't felt sick for the first time in weeks this morning which sort of makes me feel guiltier. I just want my 'baby' back yet don't even feel that's justified since nothing ever grew beyond a sac.
Sorry for the long, pointless rant. I just want this so badly. I never wanted kids before DP but he's my soulmate - the urge to have a family with him is enormous and I so badly want a child to look after.. you know how it goes.
Any success stories TTC after 'blighted ovum' (I know it's not called that any more)? How soon afterwards?
I hate myself for killing my baby last year. I'm scared that was my 'one shot.'
I want to curl up in a ball :(