I'm supposed to be 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We went for a private scan on Wednesday 23rd so that we could surprise our families with our happy news on Christmas eve and tell our 4 year old dd she was going to be a big sister. The scan revealed that our baby stopped growing at between 7-8 weeks. I had no indication that anything was wrong. Super strong nausea even made me think it could be twins. I never had nausea in my first pregnancy. I've struggled though the last couple of months, being sick and completely exhausted. Every day I told myself that I could handle it if it meant my baby was healthy. We had planned our surprise announcement to a tee. A special breakfast with the ils Christmas eve morning. A special tea with my parents Christmas eve night. We had special calenders made with photos of dd. We were going to attach a copy of the scan photo to the date of July 15th with a little message saying 'Due today!'. DD would give it to her grandma and nana, she would be in on the surprise. DD would make sure they looked at the July page. The grandparents would think it was because DD's birthday is in July. Every one would cry and be so surprised because we had kept it so secret. We'd even tricked mum into baby sitting so that we could have our scan. Instead, we had to tell them that there was a baby, but it had died. My dad cried. He never cries. I knew about 3 seconds after the scan had begun. I'd had a scan at 10 weeks with dd. I'd also spent the last few days googling scan pictures at 10 weeks 5 days so I knew what I was supposed to see. What was on the screen was too small. Not the right shape for 10 weeks 5 days. I burst into tears before the sonographer could even ask if I was sure of my dates. My poor dh stood there utterly confused. He didn't realise what I knew immediately. The sonographer explained every thing to him. They were so lovely. The placenta was functioning and so the blood flow made it look as though there was a flicker of a heart beat. I knew it was impossible - I can tell you the date of conception. I was tracking my cycle desperate to conceive. It just wasn't possible for the dates to be wrong. DH was momentarily given hope. They did an internal to confirm and it did. I'd lost my baby 3 weeks ago but my stupid body still thought it was pregnant. Still made me throw up. Still gave me achy boobs with blue veins all over them. Still gave me a small bump. And it was Christmas. We told our parents so that they would understand why we weren't ourselves. But, I wanted to be normal for dd so we pushed on with all of our plans. Special breakfast but without the announcement, pantomime, special tea but without the announcement. Trying to be jolly and festive because we hadn't told my brothers or dh's sisters and their partners because I didn't want to ruin Christmas. Every one came here on Christmas day. My family for breakfast, the in laws for lunch. I cooked, I threw myself into trying to give dd the Christmas we had been planning. Had a bit of a sob when I had a tiny bleed but it stopped so I ploughed on with the festivities, albeit watched very carefully by my mum and mil. By the end of Christmas day I was impressed with my own strength and then promptly fell to bits. Now I'm sat alone downstairs, we have no plans for today, no family to distract me. I'm in bits. My hospital appointment is tomorrow and I'm terrified. There will be another scan which will be awful. Mostly, I'm scared they will tell me to wait and see and I just can't. My baby has died but is still inside of me and that is just heartbreaking. I can't grieve when it is still going on can I? I'm terrified of it happening at home. I can't just flush the toilet and wash my baby into the sewer. Every time I go to the toilet I hold myself just in case my baby comes away so that I can catch it in my hand. I hate my body for not realising. I had another dmall bleed yesterday and some water came away but it all stopped again. I know that other people have it far worse than me. The two things I have been truly grateful for since all this has happened are that I have a healthy dd and that this has happened earlier rather than later in pregnancy. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but is not the worst thing that could have happened. I'm grateful for that. I keep telling dh that I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and that we will get through this. The truth is, I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. I'm angry at myself for planning such an elaborate announcement. I almost feel like I challenged fate or something. I'm terrified of even the thought of trying again. Counting cycle days. Tracking. Peeing on a stick. I just wish this could be different.