One of my best friends had a miscarriage very recently... what do I say to her?

[sophied1983]

Want to be the best support I can be, but don't want to keep asking questions and making her think about it all over again.

I'm trying to conceive myself, so obviously feeling pretty emotional anyway about whether or not I'll be able to have kids and dealing with facing that life change.

Want to be there for her no matter what and in the best way that I can be.

Any insights much appreciated.

The miscarriage association website has a good leaflet on what NOT to say!

Its really impossible to tell you because everyone is different. What one person needs to hear is the very last thing another one will. There is no proper way.
She's your good friend, you know her. You know if she's a talker, or the quiet type, if she wants attention or to be left alone. And if you're not sure, just ask her. Tell her: I want to be here for you in whatever way you prefer, and then listen and do that.
Personally after each one I preferred a simple acknowledgement and condolences and then to be left alone entirely, but thats not what everyone wants.

"do you want to talk about it or not?
I'm here for you either way"

I would ask open questions that give her the opportunity to talk about her experience in detail, or not if she prefers. Often no one in RL other than your partner actually knows what has happened - yes there was a mc, but a discussion of how she found out, how the hospital treated her etc didn't happen for me at all. Things that acknowledge the baby as a loss - so don't just talk about how it will work next time! It is kind of you to ask

Sorry for her loss, make her a cake or a meal, something to show she is loved, and say that you are there to talk or to help distract her, which ever she prefers. If she already has kids offer to take them out.

I'd recommend that Miscarriage Association leaflet too.

It's really hard to generalise - mc is a very personal experience. For me, I felt very drained physically and emotionally. I found it hard to be on my own and helpful to be distracted (I watched a lot of crappy comedies on DVD) but the thought of going back to work was overwhelming for a while. A good friend just wanted to get back to work asap after her mc, though.

I think sorry and how are you and then follow her lead is the best approach. Let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk. Practical help, especially if she has older children, might be very useful.

I found it really hard when noone mentioned it again. I know they were trying not to upset me but the reality was I was very upset anyway! It's not like I forgot it if noone spoke about it. One lovely friend did ask how I was from time to time and just let me talk. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.

What Alison says. Just ask them.

Whatever you do, don't tell her 'everything happens for a reason'. This was the most frequent and least helpful thing people said to me when I had my MCs.