Best friend in Oz recurrent miscarriage what can I do

[Ruperta]

Not sure why I'm writing really but I'm just at a loss what to do/say to my friend.

She is my closest friend but has lived out in Oz for 7 years. She already had a daughter but has had recurrent miscarriage ttc a second and has just found out she has had a missed miscarriage. This is on top of other terrible things that happened to her last year.

I just feel so useless and it's made harder by the fact she is on the other side of the world so I can't even give her a hug. She is too upset to talk at the mo so I'm just sending texts but they all sound so lame.

I want to send something but I don't know what - flowers seem too formal, but nothing else seems to do the situation justice. I just feel so sad for her. Do you guys have any insight or suggestions x

Use this distance to your advantage, I find things hardest at night time, the world is asleep, my support is asleep and it feels like no one cares that my baby is gone and that I am devastated, I often can't sleep. The time difference will help. If you can let her know you are there for her and ask her how she is maybe that could help. My friend Down Under is very good for me at these times because she is awake. It's a good quality in a friend.

Missed miscarriages are awful, I've been having one myself hence seeing your post.

Love to your friend, you sound lovely.

I've had 3 mc's and my last was a mmc. It's been the most distressing year of my life.

There's not much you can say, but just letting her know that you are there for her is a wonderful quality. Acknowledging her grief and her pain and let her talk about, even though it's over text she will find it incredibly cathartic writing it down.

You are lovely lovely friend

I'm sorry brummie

I agree about text. I find writing it much better than the phone. I would never express half my emotions verbally as they are too horrible to say out loud.

Does she Mumsnet? The recurrent miscarriage threads here have kept me sane through 4 losses. There are things that the most lovely and well meaning friend can't possibly get unless they've been there too. For me the most important thing a friend could do is remember for longer than 5 minutes that this will affect her for a long long time, and that you can't just bounce back. It's v hurtful when the world moves on and yours has fallen apart. If you want to find out a bit more about testing etc I recommend Lesley Regan's book What every woman needs to know about miscarriage, or there's a v positive one by Jon Cohen called Coming to Term. I'm not sure whether she'd appreciate being sent them though, I think it's one of those things where you have to do your own research. Just keep being a listening ear and ask her how she's doing and mean it. Friends where you don't have to say "fine" are worth their weight in gold.

Bit of a random suggestion here so feel free to ignore but have you ever heard of Whatsapp? My best friend lives abroad and we couldn't live without it. Its practically free ... Just uses a tiny bit of data instead of text messages and you can send photos, videos etc. My friend is my lifeline and we've both experienced mc over the last year. Just knowing she's there anytime for me... Checking how I'm feeling... Doing... If I've eaten properly... Your texts might sound lame to you but they won't to her. You are a lovely friend caring so much.