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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Would you expect your other half to come with you to scan if it was a scan due to bleeding and cramping?

20 replies

Nov282014 · 06/05/2014 19:38

Title says it all really.

I posted a couple of days back as I am having a scan tomorrow due to spotting/cramping/loss of all symptoms (am nearly 11weeks)

Anyway....partner isn't coming...never offered to come, assumed I would be going alone (don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful partner and a wonderful man)

he does have work but is a teacher and is on a course so it would be more than easy to get out of to come with me as his class already has cover for the day. Why hasn't he automatically thought 'oh a course....super, it will be no problem to get out of this'...I know the course he's going on and 2 teachers are going from our school and it's only for the morning (scan) and the course is about 'outstanding schools' so not something vital like first aid or what have you!.

Am I being over sensitive (probably am, looking back over what I've written)....Or is it quite normal to go to a scan like this on your own? I think I just assumed he'd be coming?!

Xxx

OP posts:

Casmama · 06/05/2014 19:42

Ask him. Yes I think he should come and it is disappointing he hasn't offered but I think you should make it clear you want him there otherwise you might never quite forgive him.
I hope you have a good outcome x

FatalCabbage · 06/05/2014 19:42

There isn't much my DH wouldn't have cancelled for my viability scans, tbh. Would his job be at risk if he didn't meet his CPD requirements?

andadietcoke · 06/05/2014 19:49

My DH is also a teacher, and also didn't come to the EPU with me when I was bleeding. I'd had a mc previously though, and I kind of expected bad news again, but I didn't want to ask him to miss school as people would ask questions and I didn't want all the sympathy again. I'm much better at putting on a brave face and getting on with things when I'm on my own.

If you want him with you then ask him to miss the course. Or at least ascertain that he would leave the course to be with you if it was bad news.

Good luck with the scan. It's not always bad news by the way, at aforementioned scan I was told I was having twins...

queenofthepirates · 06/05/2014 19:53

Absolutely should be with you, my 12 week scan was incredibly emotional for me and everything was 100% fine. Yes you need your hand holding now and at many stages in the pregnancy. Now go and tell him he's coming and no arguments.

OnaPromise · 06/05/2014 19:58

I think you need him to come with you. I've had scans in early pregnancy twice because of bleeding and both times dh came.

I hope everything is OK.

addictedtosugar · 06/05/2014 19:59

When he could, he came.
EPU looked at me very strangely when I turned up at 6 weeks without a partner. He was on the other side of the world.
They found me a student to sit with me for the day after the first scan wasn't good news.
Ask him. He might not realise what it means to you.

WeeClype · 06/05/2014 20:02

I think you should take someone with you, I went in for a scan due to bleeding, that day will stay with me forever looking at the screen with no heartbeat beating. Even tho I've gone on to have a DD I still well up at how horrible that day was.

Good luck and I hope it's good news for you

FidgetPie · 06/05/2014 20:05

My DH didn't come with me to EPU and I didn't ask / mind (I figured there are so many appointments in pregnancy and he doesn't come to most). Unfortunately on that occasion it wasn't good news and he dropped everything to come and collect me. I really didn't mind him not having been there and in a subsequent successful pregnancy I went to EPU on my own again.

So I guess everyone is different, but if you really want him there then you could ask him.

Forester · 06/05/2014 20:11

I've had two MMC's so those scans were awful - but would have been even worse if DH wasn't there. However they were both "routine" scans so had been planned around DH's work. So I agree that you should speak to him about the scan - but also about if you get bad news as the hanging about afterwards to see a doctor can take a long time. If he can't come see if someone else can go with you.

But I hope that you find that everything is well with your pregnancy.

FranksBobot · 06/05/2014 20:15

I also have a scan tomorrow for the very same reason. The first thing DP did was tell his work he will not be in as I am going to the hospital and he is coming with me.
This will be the second time I have had such a scan. The last time it was bad news and I was on my own. It was horrible. I would never want to experience that again.
OP if you want/need him there please ask/tell him.
Thinking of you and praying for good news

polkadotdelight · 06/05/2014 20:18

There was never any doubt about DH coming with me. He stayed with me through the medical management and only went home for 5 hours over night because I made him go to make sure the animals were ok.

Original poster

Nov282014 · 06/05/2014 20:33

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and kind words.
I think the problem is that we are both the sort of people who don't want to put others out....I was supposed to go for my scan last Friday but said no because there was too much going on in school. I've talked to him about the course and he says whilst my scan is more important, he's worried about what, as the father of the baby, he's entitled to??

Which I guess is a fair point. Eg if all is well, do I then expect him to take time off for 12 week and 16 (as I'm underweight)and 20 week? What are fathers entitled to?!

Thank you for your advice, we have decided on a compromise after reading all your replies.....if I get bad news, he will come up straight away to the hospital, after talking more about his concerns, I can understand why he's nervous asking our head teacher for time off....and says she will get really peed off at us both taking time off.

I just am also thinking...if it's good news....we will not have got to share that special moment together as 11 weeks it can't look too different from a 12 week scan?!

Oh who knows....thank you so so much everyone for your support xxx

OP posts:

TeacupDrama · 06/05/2014 20:39

i am not sure that fathers are legally entitled to any time off for any ante-natal appointments their terms of services /contracts may allow for it, but if bad news i think most would get off to be with you for 1 day at least

Millie2013 · 06/05/2014 20:50

I had a scan due to bleeding cramping at 7 weeks and OH was with me, but managed to get lost between the car park and ultrasound :/, so I went in alone and felt very lonely
Thankfully, the outcome was good, but could you arrange for someone else to be with you?

WeeClype · 06/05/2014 20:52

Please come back and up-date after the scan.

Again good luck for 2morrow.

andadietcoke · 07/05/2014 20:10

How did you get on?

Original poster

Nov282014 · 07/05/2014 20:47

Hi!
Just to say the scan was a success!! Found a heart beat and baby was bouncing around in there!!! Cannot believe it I really can't.

Was a lovely surprise for partner too as he didn't come, I'm not sure how I wd have felt if it were bad news n he wasn't there though.

Thank you for all your answers and support everyone. Ahhh I can go to bed without panicking now :) xxx

OP posts:

addictedtosugar · 07/05/2014 20:49

Thats fab news. Congrats

FatalCabbage · 07/05/2014 20:56

Brilliant news!

Will you still be having a dating scan next week or has today taken its place?

OnaPromise · 08/05/2014 08:55

Thank goodness for that! Great news.

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