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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Knocked for six by other people's baby news

18 replies

Chattycat78 · 04/12/2013 17:07

Hi girls,

I had a miscarriage about 7 weeks ago, and was trying desperately to feel a bit better, although the whole thing is not entirely great in that we have to start down the IVF route now due to problems with my eggs :(
However, my husband broke it to me last night that some good friends are pregnant. what's more, I have to go out for a Xmas meal on Saturday with them and also some other friends who are also pregnant.
Now I feel absolutely distraught again, and am dreading the meal because All the talk will be about babies. I also feel an absolute failure because everyone else seems to be able to manage this but I clearly can't. :(

anyone else experienced similar or got wisdom to share?

OP posts:

MGJoey · 04/12/2013 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quodlibet · 04/12/2013 17:19

I came to answer you because I've also been there after a MMC, but the poster above has given such good advice. You are allowed to find other people's news difficult, you are allowed to feel distraught, and you are allowed to take time to heal and grieve.
I read a book called 'Unspeakable losses' by Kim Kliger Bell about pregnancy loss which helped a lot - maybe worth a read? Don't try to bury or deny your feelings whatever you do - its a really hard thing to deal with but you will come out of the other side, promise.

Original poster

Chattycat78 · 04/12/2013 17:29

Thanks guys. It really helps having someone to talk to and know that what I.m feeling is normal. MGJoey congrats on your pregnancy and fingers crossed all is well this time. Quodlibet I ll have a look for the book - thanks.

As for missing the meal, my husband has told me that i'll be making a big deal of it if I do, and it's as hard for him. I can see his point but I suspect that I'm feeling it more at the moment. Xx

OP posts:

Retrofairy · 04/12/2013 17:34

Be kind to yourself. Forget the meal. Your husbsnd is wrong to pressure you. Its alright to hold your hands up and say 'Im not okay'. Much as I dont want to minimise your husbsnds feelings he has not gone through the hormonal changes and it is not the same for him. (((hugs)))

Chosenbyyou · 04/12/2013 20:49

hi Chatty,

I had mmc in sept and am still struggling too tbh.

Have had two friends announcements since which i responded to well (on the face of it) and their detail about the scans, what they saw/felt...one even put my hand on her belly and said - strange isn't it! But to be honest I was struggling, they weren't to know as I had decided to only tell one friend. After both situations I said I needed the loo and took a few mins out to compose myself.

Think the meal is a difficult one to advise on, I expect if it was me I would go and struggle through it but it depends on how you feel and if you can calmly chat through with your husband why you shouldn't go?

Think it is different for the DH's - mine has the mindset that it will happen again very shortly and all will be fine and this is just a set ack. Sometimes I can think like that but other times I have been really quite down :(

We have also missed our two chances since the mmc of getting pregnant again due to circumstances out of our control.

what are you going to do for the meal? are you trying again yet or holding on? xx

Pawprint · 04/12/2013 21:37

Don't go, sweetheart. Make an excuse.

Original poster

Chattycat78 · 04/12/2013 21:41

Hi chosen,

I'm not sure. I 'm going to see how I feel In a few days and then decide. as for trying , yeah we're trying again but who knows if it will happen. Sorry you're struggling too:( I think you've been very brave with your friends. I actually also got a reminder note today from the doctors for a midwife appt I was meant to be attending tomorrow which was booked when everything was still ok, which has n t really helped either!
FIngers crossed for a better 2014 for us all!

OP posts:

lighthousesea · 04/12/2013 22:07

I think you have to go with how you are feeling. I feel I have coped 'very well' with my mmc. But I really have been selfish which meant not going back to work for 5 weeks and avoiding all my pregnant friends until I felt 'better' (or at least able to cope).

I am now at the point where I feel strong enough to deal with these more difficult situations, but I honestly believe that's down to not pushing myself too soon.

Waggamamma · 04/12/2013 22:24

I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage in June and my world is just full of pregnancy announcements and new babies.

My SIL announed she was 28wks a week after I returned to work after mc, she's had her baby now, he's over six weeks old and I have met him once for a few minutes, I think they are avoiding me as we used to see them every week.

My boss was 7 months preg when in returned to work, her baby will be a few months old now and my new boss just announced her pregnancy.

So many friends are pregnant and every day it seems another scan pic pops up on Facebook, my heart is breaking, I want MY baby. Three friends are due this month and my due date is next month. I'm sure other people think I will be over it by now but I'm not and it hurts.

I should have an 8 month bump right now.

it's ok to grieve, it's ok to be sad and it's ok to avoid situations that rub salt in the wounds. (I wish I could take my own advice).

take care.

Parsley2506 · 04/12/2013 22:41

Just ditto all the above. Literally every single one of my friends is either pg, or just had a baby at the moment. In fact I just found out this evening that another friend is expecting, and an insta diff at that which just rubs salt in the wound (we had been trying for 18 months for our BFP which sadly ended in MMC at 11 weeks).

You do not owe anyone anything when it comes to 'putting a brave face on'. Who cares if you not going to this meal makes it a 'big deal'? Is it really worth going, feeling miserable all evening and going home to continue feeling crappy just for the sake of putting on a good front? Bollocks to that! You come first and if you think it's going to hurt too much to be there, don't go.

Personally speaking, I decided to tell most of my close circle of friends (they're a good bunch mostly) and it's helped a lot really. Should ensure no accidental putting of feet into mouths etc. The friend who I just found out about made a point of messaging me privately to avoid upsetting me (impossible, but I appreciated the gesture nonetheless).

Do the friends you're meeting this weekend know your situation? If they do I am sure they will more than understand your not wanting to be there if that's what you decide.

and for you.

Preciousbane · 04/12/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nyborg · 05/12/2013 08:02

I had a spontaneous m/c at 12 weeks this time last year, OP, and I know exactly the feelings you're describing. Your partner should be more accommodating, I think - it's a bereavement and your reactions are instinctive and not easy to suppress. I agree that I'd ditch the dinner, or if they're good friends, text a few days before to explain the situation.

I wish you a very easy conception and safe pregnancy next time around. And be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

KatAndKit · 05/12/2013 08:09

Losing a baby is a big deal. It is ok to miss the meal if you cant face it yet. And no, it isn't as hard for him otherwise he would understand that pressuring you to put on a brave face is not helpful. It is just a meal. If it was a family wedding i would say put on a brave face, drink wine and escape early. But a simple meal isn't worth it. If your friends don't know about your loss all you will hear from the two differs is baby chat.

kilmuir · 05/12/2013 08:10

I have had 6 miscarriages in total. I would try and go to the meal. Do these friends know about your loss? I would hope its not all baby talk if they are aware.
I never begrudged anyone being pregnant, as i hoped they would also be happy for me when it was my turn. It also felt like everyone was expecting when i hah had a miscarriage, think you are more aware.
Difficult time for you. I went on to have 4 healthy babies, so i believe your time will come

Redhairmum · 07/12/2013 19:50

Hi chatty, so so sorry for your loss, I had an mc in Oct, and was just beginning to get my head round it when our close friends announced they were pg....two weeks behind where we should have been. I just burst into tears. Their dd's 2nd bday party was the week after, and I just couldn't go, it felt like one more kick in the teeth.... Even though I am happy for them. Just go with your instincts, if they are such close friends they ll understand if you can't face it, maybe dh could explain? This path is not easy, so let yourself choose whatever is right for you..... Take care, big hugs xx

sizethree · 10/12/2013 11:45

I really feel for all of you. It's important to make a judgement call on the best way to protect yourself emotionally when these situations arise.
I've just excused myself from work for an hour or so because a colleague is in showing off her new born. As I had MMC 3 weeks ago I felt I couldn't face all the cooing and the proud new mum. So I removed myself from the situation and am enjoying a big piece of cake and cup if tea. And positively hoping than in the next year or do it'll be me proudly introducing my new baby.

Wishfulmakeupping · 10/12/2013 11:49

Please be kind to yourself and if you can't face it dont go. If you're getting pressured then show OH this thread I'm sure he would agree if he thought about it from your perspective.

LastOneDancing · 10/12/2013 12:13

It IS a big deal and you are allowed to not put yourself through the meal if you don't want to.

The only thing I could suggest is if you really do want to go, would it be appropriate to see the women one on one before the meal? Just for a coffee and a chat so you can 'break the ice' and get over the initial gut wrench in a private setting? Being forced to sit in public & look happy is a lot to ask.

Be kind to yourself OP. lots of good advice here.

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