Today has hit me harder than I thought it would and I have literally no one to talk to about it in real life.
Dh asked why I was down yesterday, so I told him and his response was just nothing. In fact last night, he was having a go at e for being miserable saying I should cheer him up because his fucking jeans were too tight and he wanted to wear them for work today.
I've dropped my older ds to school and I've got home and I can't stop crying I feel so alone.
I am 19 weeks pregnant again, I can feel my baby kicking me, but I am so sad for the one I lost. I went though hell with the miscarriage, I nearly lost my own life in the process and no one cares.
My father didn't know about my first pregnancy, we are not that close and I had him on the phone this morning reminding me that today is the 20th anniversary of my mothers death, berating me for not remembering or caring (I didn't have a good childhood, so I don't really care, I know that sounds awful).
I am so grateful that I am pregnant again, but I just keep thinking I should be sat here now feeding the baby I lost (I would have had another c section, so he/she would be here by now).
I keep beating myself up about the fact that I just left my baby in the hospital to be thrown away like rubbish. The sac and fetes were manually removed in A&E (I went into cervical shock and was blue lighted to hospital) and I had the option of collecting it, or asking for it to be buried in the hospital ground, but I couldn't face filling in the forms, my stupid arsehole of a husband wouldn't even talk about it. I was so upset, one of the doctors told us that the Chaplin did a remembrance service once a month for all the babies lost that month and my husbands reaction was 'oh, we don't have to go to that, do we?'. So I just left it and I feel so guilty.
I saw that baby's heart beating on a previous scan, it was alive and it was mine and I feel like I just threw it away.