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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

Sad to be joining you all

58 replies

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 06/08/2013 16:26

Found out today that my baby stopped developing a week ago at 8 weeks and that it no longer has a heart beat.

I've rung the ward to say I've decided on the surgical management option to get things 'over' but at 3:50 apparently the clerk had gone home and no one could make a note of it so I have to call In again tomorrow.

I have had heavy bleeding for a while now but a scan confirmed I've not passed any of the pregnancy.

How will I know if I have?

What am I to expect for the near future other than a lot of tears?

OP posts:
Fancies40Winks · 09/08/2013 18:30

Hi soured, I was on March 13 under another name and had a mmc. I had an erpc today; this baby would have been my first. Just posting to pass on every sympathy and to let you know there's others here in the same position ready to listen any time.

Sorry your hospital has been shit btw.x

Original poster
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 09/08/2013 20:11

Thank you again for your kind words, both of you, they do mean a lot.

jbrd how are you doing? I agree it had been so quick, I really wish I hadn't had the reassurance scans at just before 7 and just before 8 weeks as I wouldn't have built my hopes up.

Sorry to hear your news 40winks too many of us march ladies are over here now Sad

I'm probably outing myself by posting this but I've been crying along to Mumford and sons today and never a more appropriate lyric was written

"In this body you will live, in this body you will die, where you invest your love you invest your life"

OP posts:
Original poster
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 09/08/2013 20:13

Oh and the slightly more positive:

"Love will not betray, dismay or enslave you it will set you free"

OP posts:
Fancies40Winks · 10/08/2013 11:29

How are you today soured? I feel oddly fine, though I had a horrible nights sleep. I wonder am I recovered emotionally after two weeks, or am I in denial and its all going to come crashing down? The crippling stomach ache I have when not distracted suggests the latter.

Original poster
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 10/08/2013 22:02

I'm similar today. Have had a lot to do as mum came over and made us do the garden with her (it needed doing tbh) and brought loads of flowers from well meaning relatives, sadly no vases to put them in so they're in buckets on the floor at the moment looking rather pathetic.

This is going to sound really odd and far far tmi but I really want to start having sex with DH again because I need the level of intimacy, not the actual act of sex for any other purpose, but i want to be held that closely by him and know everything will be alright. thing is he has gone into himself needing space whereas I've gone ultra clingy, not a good combination. He also is heeding the letter of the law from the nurse about not resuming a sex life until the bleeding stops which yes I get that but still. Does it make sense to be like this?? I feel like a freak right now Sad Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble · 10/08/2013 22:10

I also need to change my name on here but really don't want to Sad

OP posts:
Fancies40Winks · 11/08/2013 05:02

You don't have to do a damn thing until you're ready.

My flat is also like a florists. It's lovely.

I know what you mean about sex and intimacy, but I don't think I'm in with much chance for now. DH can't get turned on if I'm not happy and relaxed, which is obviously fair enough. I've had very little bleeding so that's not been an issue. I also don't want to start ttc'ing until I've had a period I think, but we chucked out our only (ancient) packet of condoms after my bfp and I can't buy more.

Night times are the worst. Days are ok, there is plenty to distract me, but in bed my mind keeps coming back to it. I keep waking through the night too - I'm so tired!

JBrd · 11/08/2013 07:01

Soured - I can totally understand the need for closeness and intimacy, it's a way to deal with grief. It's a tricky one... Maybe you can talk to your DH to come a, erm, compromise? I tend to go the other way, all I want at the moment is a hug and cuddles.

I started spotting yesterday, but very lightly so far. What floored me was the letter from the hospital with the date for my 12 week scan HmmHmm I just wanted to wail when I opened it.

Fancies40Winks · 11/08/2013 10:02

JBrd that sucks. Mine was waiting for me when I got back from the epu last week. I'm assuming the midwife part of the hospital has been updated now...

Souredstones · 11/08/2013 13:27

Oh that is crap about the scan appointments Sad mine came through with all my booking in paperwork and the EPU said they will cancel it all for me.

I don't want to start ttc until after my next period either. The sex issue for me is literally just a 'better' cuddle and not sex sex iykwim. I dunno.

I get where you're coming from about nights being worse. It's when the head starts mulching through it all and then you realise how much it hurts and that everything you've done that day has just been about distracting you.

I hurt today. Just looking at the pain on DH's face hurts me. We will come through it though, just needs time.

Fancies40Winks · 11/08/2013 13:35

Aw love, well done for braving the name change.

DH has gone back to work today, first time since the bad scan almost a fortnight ago. Luckily a very good friend has come up to look after me. I can't quite cope with being alone just yet.

katatonic · 11/08/2013 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Souredstones · 12/08/2013 23:16

Pain sucks

I'm keeping myself amused by playing 'avoid the in your face in laws' who DH had 'kindly' arranged for me to see tomorrow...I cancelled the day bit but sadly can't avoid dinner with them.

I'd rather be at work than be round there and that's saying something because work fills me with dread even though I'm signed off.

Souredstones · 12/08/2013 23:17

I keep hitting send too soon!!

I hope you are all keeping well and that life is being kind to you all

Xx

JoniR · 13/08/2013 11:10

I completely get the need for intimacy. I discovered that I've miscarried yesterday and last night I really wanted DH for intimacy and also to feel anything but what I was feeling. I hope you're managing to keep occupied. I'm attacking the garden today, hacking branches with a saw is proving to be very therapeutic.

Souredstones · 13/08/2013 21:05

Hi All,

How are you today? Sorry to hear your news joni

I'm doing really not very well today, time seems to be making it harder for me as the hormones leave my body my ailments all return and the physical pain now comes back.

I have so much hatred for my body right now it's unreal.

JoniR · 13/08/2013 21:30

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I'm emotionally exhausted but feel better than I did this morning. I think I've got through the shock and I'm beginning to accept it. It's heartbreaking but I refuse to let it break me. Sending you love and hope. Look after yourself.

Souredstones · 14/08/2013 14:54

I seem to be feeling worse not better, how does that work?!

Souredstones · 14/08/2013 15:17

Damnit I need to man up. There are people out there dealing with worse, going through worse than this. It's not right I should be this upset when they have worse to be dealing with.

JoniR · 14/08/2013 20:31

Soured please don't be so hard on yourself. I've thought almost exactly those words in the past. What you are feeling is completely valid and you have every right to be feeling it. I can't say any more than that I care and that I'm thinking of you.

AhoyMcCoy · 14/08/2013 20:41

Soured (&Joni) yes- I kept thinking the same too. That my loss was only 11 weeks and so many people suffer 'worse' - stillborns & losing children. But that's not right, and that's not how to think. You can't always minimise your problems- you are grieving, and rightly so.
You don't just love a baby the day it's born, you love it from the moment you know it's growing inside of you, and losing something you love so much (and sometimes feeling responsible for the loss too), is an absolutely awful feeling.
No- one expects you to get over it, or man up. Take your time, grieve, be kind to yourself.

For me, talking about it helped. And last weekend, me and DH went away together to the seaside, which felt really 'medicinal'. It was like we were us again. I planted sunflower seeds too, and they are sprouting already and it's great to watch them grow. Do something that makes you smile, and don't feel guilty in moments of happiness. Flowers

Bakingtins · 15/08/2013 08:29

There is always someone who is worse off than you. That doesn't invalidate your feelings. Don't try and push the feelings away, they will come back and bite you on the bum some time later.
Someone posted on here a while back that getting over a loss is like "Going on a Bearhunt" "you can't get over it, you can't get round it, you have to go through it"
By all means do whatever cheerful or self-caring things help you to feel better, but accept that this is a shitty thing to go through and that some of the time you will feel terrible about it. The bad feelings will recede with time, it is still very recent for you.

JBrd · 16/08/2013 08:46

I agree with baking - don't try to belittle your own loss and grief. It's is right here, right now, and it's yours to deal with. Regardless of what happens to other people.

I had never so low before in my life before I experienced my first miscarriage. It seemed like a bottomless pit that I was trying to climb out of, but couldn't find the strength to do it.
And that's OK. Don't feel that you have to bounce back immediately, because you just can't.
And remember that grief comes in many different ways - for my first mc, all I could do was sit at home, watch some mindless DVD box set, or sleep (never underestimate the power of sleep!). For my second, I attacked the garden with a vigour that I'd never found before for gardening - it was so therapeutic, hacking away at bushes and trimming hedges, but also planting lots of new things. And I baked for England, 2 breads almost every day.

And please don't hate your body, soured. I know it feels like it has failed you, but it really hasn't, in fact, it's doing what it's supposed to do... I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment.
Treat yourself (and your body) to something nice - a facial, massage, manicure etc. Just be kind to yourself. And on day at a time.

katatonic · 16/08/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zumbasmyfave · 17/08/2013 09:10

Hi soured
I was so sorry to read what of you are going through. You must feel numb about the news of not needing the op.. I hope that knowing that will allow you & your dh to start healing.

I went for my dating scan on Thursday for my 1st pregnancy and to my utter shock & horror there was no heartbeat & the baby had stopped growing at 8 1/2 weeks. Me & dh are devastated & can't imagine feeling normal again.

I hope that you & ur dh are able to make some positive plans for the future & look forward to something nice. I know this has turned your whole world upside down & it's grieving for what will not be as well as what you've lost. Look after yourself.

Hugs xxx