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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Words of wisdom in the days after a stillbirth.

13 replies

DowntonTrout · 01/03/2013 09:09

My Favorite and only DN gave birth to her baby boy this week, he died in the womb at 23 weeks.

He was very small and had not formed properly, she chose not to see him but has the footprints etc. I would like to offer words of support, from a distance, she was texting me from her hospital bed and what I say is important to her. So apart from the obvious, what can I say or do? She has people around her and lots of support but has always turned to me for words of wisdom.

I don't have any and am conscious of not saying the wrong thing, giving platitudes or being overly emotional and upsetting her further. Can anyone give advice on the right things to say or indeed whether to say anything more than we're sorry and we love you?

OP posts:

shakeyjake · 01/03/2013 09:15

I an so sorry for yours and dn loss, just Letting her know you love her and are there for her will help. I lost a little girl at 20 Weeks and just knowing people were there helped a bit because there isn't anything anybody can say that can make the pain and grief go away.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 01/03/2013 09:31

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too. It is a dreadful thing to go through. I cannot imagine what it is like to go through that but I am keen to acknowledge that he would have been, is, a much loved family member.

OP posts:

Treats · 01/03/2013 09:40

Just get in touch by whatever means are most appropriate and let her know that you're thinking of her. It's so important to acknowledge the loss. And next time you see her, make sure you mention it - just ask her if she would like to talk about it and be there to listen.

There are no words of wisdom or comfort you can offer at the moment. You can't make it better or more bearable.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 01/03/2013 09:51

Yes I will treats I have said those things already. My own DD is at the exact same stage of pregnancy and so I am being very careful, with both of them, it is all a bit delicate at the moment.

OP posts:

nectarini1983 · 01/03/2013 12:18

Im so sorry for your family's loss.

I lost a little boy at 17 weeks just over 7 weeks ago.....

I appreciated people saying that we didnt deserve what happened, that they're sorry and that we've been robbed and how loved he is.

I didnt appreciate people asking if I qas feeling 'better'.... as obviously wasnt, I mean I hadn't had a cold. I also hated people saying that 'it wasnt meant to be' as to me he was meant to be, he was wantrd and loved so that should have been enough!! I also didnt want to hear that we could always try again, it just doesn't compensate for whats been lost

I was very sensitive in the weeks that followed when the emotions were so raw.

But I can now see that people were only being kind and obviously just didnt know what to say for the best.

Best to say something than nothing at all.

I really appreciated the flowers that some of my friends sent me and they would text me just saying 'thinking of you'. I just found this easier than being asked how I was doing...

I really feel for you all, its so heartbreakingly sad and it always happens to those that just don't deserve it.

I found a lot of comfort nfrom talking to other women hove had late losses on here so maybe when or if she feels that may help her too she could post
something.

Thinking of you all.

Wisteria36 · 01/03/2013 12:28

Your dn is lucky to have your support. We lost ds2 at 21 weeks nearly 15 months ago. During that time my sister had her second child, it is hard when other family members are expecting. My sister also had my nephew christened without inviting me as she thought I'd be too upset to come which made me feel rubbish!

As others have said it helps if you acknowledge the loss and talk about the baby if she wants to, and if she would like to then even ask your dn to show you the footprints etc. my mum asked to see the photos of our son and it really helped to show her and talk about him. Yes als

Wisteria36 · 01/03/2013 12:29

Sorry pressed post by mistake! Yes also to not asking if or assuming she feels better a few weeks later - it takes a long time to grieve and some people find they never get over the loss completely.

Quodlibet · 01/03/2013 14:09

So sorry to hear of your niece's loss.
I have only had a miscarriage, not a late loss, but wanted to add;

Don't suppress your own pain to the point of not being able to talk about it with her. That will make it harder. It's OK for everyone to express their grief and better than bottling it up.

The immediate time will be terribly hard but her pain will likely go on a long time. It might get better in the short-term and then worse again. Be prepared to support her long-term and as others have said not optimistically hope she is 'better soon'. I imagine the time your daughter is due will be very hard for her.

There is a great info leaflet on the miscarriage association site which lists things that are helpful/not helpful to say, it is about MC but I think much of it applies to late loss too.

You sound very caring and I am sure you will be a comfort to your niece, but as others have said there's nothing you can do to make it better, the best you can do is acknowledge her grief.

Wishing you all well at this horrible time.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 01/03/2013 14:14

This is what I have said.

i just wanted to let you know we are here for you and thinking of you. Little hisname was, and is, a much loved and wanted member of our family and even though we never got chance to meet him he will stay in our thoughts and hearts.

I hope that's ok. I will remember not to ask if she's feeling better. Thanks for that. DD feels she cannot speak to DN at the moment but I have encouraged her to send a message of support.

OP posts:

5madthings · 01/03/2013 14:25

That sounds perfect :) i was going to ask if he had a name.

So sorry for you all.

Be there for her, let her talk and use his name, msny times on mnet i read that people dont refer to stillborn bsbies by name and it upsets their parents :(

nectarini1983 · 01/03/2013 15:02

Sounds perfect.

Maybe your daughter could just text her cousin saying that she's thinking of her. ... it doesn't warrant a response then but shows she cares.

Its just such a saldy tragic time for the entire family. But such a person loss to the mother and father especially as all their hopes and dreams for their child have died too.

For me it was so hard to accept that I couldn't change what had happened and nothing will ever make it right again. Its just hour by hour, day by day, a very slow acceptance that its something I'll have to learn to live with and will always feel I was cheated of.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 01/03/2013 15:59

I'm sorry to hear all your stories. I think having to give birth to a child that is not alive is....well it's just unimaginable.

I feel a bit weepy myself. She seems so bright and positive- I'm sure she's not that way deep down, or maybe is still in shock. I hope that I can help her when she needs it.

OP posts:

SaggyOldClothCatpuss · 01/03/2013 21:36

My sister lost her daughter at 38 weeks. I was so devestated for her, and cowardly and guilty that I had 2 living Dcs, that I couldnt find the words to make contact. Ill never forgive myself for not just telling her I loved her. Make contact any way you can. As someone else said, just send a text, "thinking of you". Anything.
Be there, keep in touch, and let her talk about the baby when she wants to. Remember his birthdays in years to come. Theres nothing which will help really, just be supportive.

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