Lost my baby at 18 weeks..heartbroken

[Nobhead]

I found out yesterday that I had lost my baby....I was 18wks +5. I just feel so empty, heartbroken and like I've been robbed. I kind of knew something didn't feel right. My bump was very small, I was very noticably showing with DS at this point. Also the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat with the ultrasoundy thing at my 16 week check but told me not to worry as the baby may be really low down and then I had brown discharge on Monday night- very light but something just didn't feel right. I went to hospital yesterday morning and they scanned me and told me the words you just don't want to hear "I'm afraid it's bad news". The baby had no heartbeat and looked like it had stopped growing at 16 weeks.
I just broke down, unfortunately I had to take 4 yo DS with me as he is on half term and DH was at work. I had convinced myself and DH that he didn't need to come with me and that everything would be ok I was passed the danger point and I was just going for piece of mind.
My DS was amazing, especially for a 4 YO, he handed me tissues and hugged me, he told me not to cry and that he would look after me. Itried soooo hard to hold it together in front of him, it's horrible for a child to see their Mummy so upset. He did funny dances to make me laugh and cheer me up, we were there for 3 1/2 hours and not once did he complain. He was just an angel and I am so blessed to have him. It was so hard having to explain what was happening to him, I mean what do you say to a 4 year old? I told him the baby was very poorly and is an angel now that watches over us and it wasn't ready to be with us yet. I told him that when it was ready it would come back. He had been so excited to have a baby brother or sister, it was heartbreaking.
I was given a tablet to take and I have to go back tomorrow for a full day to take a series of other tablets which will send me into labour and I will have to give birth. Just awful, I'm petrified. The midwife talked about a funeral and doing footprints and naming the baby- I don't think I want any of that I just want to know what happened and why and then try to move forward. Itmay sound cold and emotionless but that's just how I feel. I don't want drag the whole process out and none of that is going to change what has happened.
I have got up this morning after crying in bed since 4:20am. I came downstairs and my maternity jeans are drying on the airer and my vitamins are on the side in the kitchen and I just broke down again. I keep thinkingwhat have I done wrong, I have been quite stessed at work and juggling that and home life and housework, have I been over doing it? But then the world doesn't stop turning just because you are pregnant.
I miscarried in May last year at 7 weeks and that was hard but Jesus this is awful. I think because you get past 12 weeks and the 1st scan and you think "yes" I can finally start to plan and be excited...turns out not. I have worked out I have been pregnant for 7 months over the last year and don't have anything to show for it. I'm not sure I can or even want to do this again, I would be a complete wreck until I am actually cradling that baby in my arms and what if it happens again?
Sorry that was so long- I don't tend to talk things through in RL so I guess this is just my way of releasing.

[Thumbwitch]

Sobbing after reading that, Nob. So sorry that you had to go through it but glad that it was a dignified experience and that you got the keepsakes/photos. Your DS is an absolute hero as well, bless him.
I hope that he gets his sibling at some point in this world, to go with his angel sibling.

I don't know if you might like this idea or not but I bought a crystal angel for every MC I had, they come in different sizes and different crystals. They're on my mantelpiece so are part of my daily life.

[magoosmom]

so sorry to hear your sad story, glad you are happy with your decisions, you DS sounds like a little star x

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
We lost our last baby nearly two years ago at 20 weeks.
It was so devastating that at the time i was not so sure i would get through it.
By now i am at the point where when one of my other children asked me a while ago if i was still sad about the baby i could explain that while i would always be sad about loosing him, that did not mean that i could not also be happy.
Looking back there were a few milestones that helped. We opted for a post mortem and got a reason. That gave me some peace. The most important point was my due date. Before that my mind seemed to still think that i was still pregnant and to say i was at times unhinged would be an understatement. With the due date past i was able to accept that it happened.
It essily was the most horrendous and heartbreaking experience in my life but even if it did not seem like it at times, it is survivable.

[drjohnsonscat]

Thinking of you nobhead. Your DS sounds wonderful. You must be feeling very lost. As madwoman says, you might feel that you won't ever get through this but you will. Wishing you courage and strength.

[DramaticGene]

I couldn't just read and run after reading through your past few days of hell. You described exactly what happened to me and I feel for you so much. It is truly awful and SO unfair. I'm 18 months on and it still rips me to pieces some days. Be kind to yourself really kind to yourself - cry it out whenever you need to and be prepared for some really unfeeling people who don't/can't acknowledge what you've been through and can;t say the right thing. Find a counsellor to talk to (try the varaious charities) if it all gets too much. We never got a proper answer for what happened. It's just sad and bloody unfair and unlucky. You are in my thoughts. You never 'get over it', I'm sad to say, you just have to find a way to learn to live with this rotten hand you've been dealt.

[escorpion]

I have just wept at your posts. Bless your little boy. I had a MMC and had surgery. However I can´t imagine how it feels to have got to that stage in pregnancy and what you have gone through. I am so scared at ttc again. I have hashimotos and hypithyroidism recently diagnosed and would hate for the same to happen again. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help many. Sorry for your loss.

[INeverSaidThat]

This is so sad. I am so sorry for you and your families loss. I am glad everyone at the hospital was so supportive, I think it makes so much difference.
Make sure you look after yourself. You son sounds wonderful.