A Christmas hand-holding thread for all who have suffered losses or are waiting

[spiderlight]

Just that, really....I'm trying to be Christmassy for my DS, but all the while I'm thinking 'this time last week....' and dreading going to stay with the in-laws on Thursday. We'd planned to tell them about the baby by making a card with a scan pic wearing a Santa hat :(

I'm just home from an emergency erpc in the early hours of this morning. I was 12 weeks and like you looking forward to telling family over Xmas instead having to make heartbreaking calls while trying to keep things normal for dc. It's horrendous isn't it.

Recently lost my baby due to it being ectopic, a friend has just told me she is expecting and her due date is July, mine would have been too the 13th!
All I want for christmas is a bit of luck and a baby next year.
RIP baby.Taylor, miss you soooo much.
I'm sorry to hear about all your losses too! Roll on 2013! Xxxx

I'm should be happy, it's my 5 month old LG first Christmas, but I am struggling to come to terms with what I have done. My coil failed and we found we were expecting another baby which would of been due in July. My OH decided he was not ready for another, with our first still so young so agreed to terminate. However I broke down at the last minute as it was not what I wanted to do, but still ended up going through with it. My OH is carrying on like normal, and I feel so hurt and lost, and it's my own fault

Oh Shorty you cannot possibly carry all that alone, there will have been many many factors contributing to the termination. So sorry.

I've had 2 mc this year. and a BFN this morning so am not coping very well. am fluctuating between being miserable or really angry or jealous about people with babies. Hopefully we'll have better luck next year.

I am reeling from news at our 12 wk scan yesterday that all that is there is a yolk sac. Told to wait and see over Xmas and come back in a week but I knew it was over immediately. Can't stand this horrible limbo land - like others we were planning on sharing news today.

It must be so hard to keep yourself together those of you who have small children. I am at in laws and am managing about an hour of social jolliness at a time before having to come to bed to cry. Absolutely dreading today.

Sorry to everyone who is going through the same thing.

Mmc discovered last week. Hiding in the bathroom in tears. Due at mil for dinner. Bleeding so heavily I can't see how to get dressed. Worse last weekend was the edd of my first mc pg. so when I should have a new baby I'm mc again. Heart broken. No idea how to get thru today, esp as I can't even see a way to getting dressed.

And spiderlight thank you for the thread. I'm really grateful to have somewhere to post.

And ladies, I'm sorry.

Mytimewillcome sorry for you losses. That is horribly cruel. Taking it one hour at a time is the only way I am coping.
Had my own getting dressed meltdown earlier over fat bulging tummy in tights when tummy has no rights being fat or bulgy because there is NOTHING THE FUCK IN THERE. Unspeakable rage.

Have successfully negotiated breakfast and presents without dissolving, just hiding upstairs girding myself for lunch. One thing at a time.

Also feeling it today...miscarried at 8-10 weeks last sunday....was going to be so happy, this was a 3rd longed for child...but wasnt to be. Im grateful to have my 2 girls with me....but cant help feeling sad for the little one i never got to meet.

Sorry for everyones losses on here, and may 2013 be a year for smiles

Sorry to all of you, this is really not the thread I wanted to be on today. I had a miscarriage yesterday at 10 weeks. Boobs were still sore until just this morning, I still felt pregnant even after it had all gone and just can't believe it has happened.
Quod I must admit you made me giggle a bit with your rant about your fat tummy. I had exactly the same rant this morning when I couldn't do my jeans up.
I think I am in denial, have managed to host Christmas dinner today and did alright, I'll probably have some big embarrassing melt down in asda or something

Borg - I'm wondering when my meltdown will come too. I had thought it may be at dinner with my mil an in laws but luckily DS was so over excited that I could leave the table without it being obvious.

I came home last might and I felt so relieved that Christmas itself was over. The only good thing is that DP has been off work. Ive been a bit grumpy with him over the last few weeks and was moaning away to the extent that someone asked what I got out of the relationship ( nb my hormones have been fecked for a while - mmc). Anyway I have my answer which isn't romantic or exciting - but when I'm so beaten by life that I can't bear to talk to anyone, he's the person I want to talk to and be around.

Posted too soon. Quod - thank you.

So sorry for all of you :(

I went for my 12 week scan on Christmas eve hoping to announce it on Christmas Day, I was told there was no heart beat... I was booked in for a d & c on Friday but have spent to days in pain naturally miscarrying... This is the worst Christmas ever, I just want it back... I managed to put on a brave face yesterday but today I feel angry and at a loss... So sorry for everyone on here x

Jilly sorry for your loss too. Don't feel you have to be brave. Angry is an understandable reaction to this horribly cruel trick nature has played on us all. Having Xmas over and done with feels like at least a small relief for me. Be kind to yourself first and foremost.

Quod - you're very eloquent. I tried to answer Jilly, as I've found myself to feel very angry but I couldn't say what I meant. You've done it very nicely, thank you. X

Quod - yes to the no right to fat bulginess. I'm so feeling that too. Prob doesn't help that I've eaten like a piggy to cope with MMC and ERPC last week I do keep feeling so sad thinking we were meant to have a baby by this time next year. Now, due to already having one Chrimbo LO & can't afford 2, it will have to be 2014 at earliest now...& that's if things go right. I have a bleak conviction that I'll be one of the many who have multiple mcs. Thoughts with all of you. They don't teach this stuff in school do they :s

Hello everyone. I had a scan on the 11th that found there was no heartbeat, so on the 13th when I was supposed to be having a 12 week scan I was at home taking the miscarriage pills. In the week up to Boxing Day I felt so ill and tired with a cold that I was distracted from feeling sad but now I don't feel ill any more and it's just rubbish. I don't know what to do about my job now, and we're going to have a massive gap with DS who is already 3.4 and it's all my fault because I didn't want to start trying with no job security so we left it too late... aargh. Hugs to everyone who's had awful Christmases.

It is rubbish isn't it Ninja, and so hard not to feel overwhelmed by all the other things in life, I feel exactly the same and am dreading having to tackle my work (I am self employed so can't take time off, but just don't know where I am going to find the motivation). It isn't helpful to beat yourself up for decisions you've made in the past that now haven't come good - you did what you thought was best at the time, and adding unhelpful retrospective guilt to the equation now isn't kind to yourself.

So sorry for everyone else going through this at the moment too. I started miscarrying on the 14th dec and it's still going on, spent most of Christmas Eve in hospital with a suspected ectopic (thank heavens it's not) and have arms like pincushions from all the blood tests. we spent most of the day in hospital yesterday too just waiting round to see people and for more blood tests and to be scanned, my little girl has spent far too much time either in hospital waiting rooms or screaming as I've disappeared. It's been. so hard being sociable over Christmas, I'm just so tired and so sad. My little girl is keeping me going and I feel even luckier to have her than ever, but at the same time she's waking 2-3 times a night and is v clingy, I think she knows something is wrong. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I've felt angry too and know exactly what you mean, it's so cruel. Takes us ages to conceive so quite depressed at going back to square one again while all my friends are popping out siblings.

It's horrible and I'm sorry for us all. I was 9 weeks and had a sudden massive bleed on the 23rd - was up North visiting family who didn't know, DP wasn't arriving till 48 hours later and the hospital were shit....not that the hospital here in the midlands is much better...I'm still bleeding and having to wait till Monday for a Dr's appointment...apparently they're the gatekeeper to the EPU. I have to go to my MILs birthday party on Tuesday - they didn't know I was pregnant either and honestly, I don't want to go. This was my last chance at being a mum - total accident, DP doesn't want kids - and I didn''t realise how much I wanted another child until I realised this one wasn't going to be. Now I'm just miserable and can hardly look DP in the eye because I know I'm devastated and he's not.

Shorty - I'm so sorry for you too. I was facing that decision in January - he was adamant the only way was termination. Be very very kind to yourself. x