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How much contact do YOU have with ex-p together with dcs?

23 replies

tvaerialmagpiebin · 16/09/2009 16:12

I don't want to put too much detail in case of the Daily Mail. But I'd like to know what those of you who are on reasonable terms with your exes do together with your children, if anything.

My xp would like to spend more time with me and with ds who is 2.11 but I am not keen. I currently spend all day Sunday with them both, as well as an evening in the week. Whilst I am not too bothered I do worry that it is giving mixed messages to ds. Other people seem to view this as an odd arrangement. DS does stay at xp's one night on his own too.

What do other people do?

OP posts:
Scorps · 16/09/2009 16:14

Just when he picks up ds1 from the door. I do parent's evenings etc, as I am the one who 'deals' with school. The other time we will be together is at birhtday parties. Ex and I get on well.

brightwell · 16/09/2009 17:33

None....10 years down the line dc are 15 & 11. When he picks them up he parks on the road & phones the house to say he's there. He can barely bring himself to be civil to me at school plays, parents evenings etc. Any communicating he needs to do with me he does through the dc. I'll nab him for a word when he phones to speak to dc.When we split up I thought we would be able for him to come in for a coffee, have the occaisional meal but all too often he's been verbally abusive to me in front of our dc so now he doesn't come over the threshold.

mmrred · 16/09/2009 17:34 list would be 10 minutes or so having a chat in the kitchen when he's picking up/dropping off, or at his place (same thing)Have spent days out together but as two couples eg him and his new wife, me and my hubby. School events like sports day, as above, but school events like parents evenings, options evenings, just the two of us. Birthday events, all together.

Not so much now she's older though, as one parent is embarrassing enough, never mind two!

So long as DC get plenty of time with both, just do what you're comfortable with. One night contact doesn't seem like a lot - maybe if you offer more time for them on their own?

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 16/09/2009 17:36

Why is everything in bold?

tvaerialmagpiebin · 16/09/2009 17:39

I don't know why it is bold. It wasn't me, honest!!!!

Thanks for all your comments. XP has not coped well with us splitting up (although it was his fault) and I sometimes wonder whether I had better be out of the picture totally because he obviously thinks there is a chance we will get back together (hell, freeze over, etc.)

He would quite like another overnight but ds isn't keen.

OP posts:
cccccc · 16/09/2009 17:52

all of it, so a couple of hours a week. Dd2 is only 3 months though. Ex lives in the same street.

I dont think I will ever trust him enough to have unsupervised access because he has family in China and he has been making vague comments about taking her and just today he was asking if he could have her birth certificate.

shelleylou · 16/09/2009 17:59

simple answer is none for me ds and exp and none for ds and exp

floatyjosmum · 16/09/2009 20:29

i have 2 exes, dad of ds who is 8 - we dont speak to each other and dont see each other - picks up from driveway

dad off dd who is 4, speak to him at least once a day, see him twice a week for pick up, have tea once a month at least, go on holiday together each year and do xmas together, split up when dd was 10 months and its worked really well for us like this.

ElenorRigby · 17/09/2009 09:23

DP goes to DSD's parents evenings, doctors/dentists appointments and DSD's birthdays with his ex.
I think your current arrangement would be confusing for your lo and that your ex is blurring the boundaries.
Yes have a amicable business like arrangement with your ex for parenting time for your son but possibly keep jaunts together to a minimum.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 17/09/2009 13:54

just the 10mins or so it takes to get kids jackets on as only 2 and 3yo.

ex would like to spend every visit us all together.

but in his mind, i have not left.. just on small holiday and will be back in the old home one day

mines is a loon. try to avoid being in same room at all costs as results and me shoving barge poles up his arse to keep him at arms lengths too these days.

mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 17:58

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OrangeFish · 20/09/2009 18:31

We used to bump on each other on different ocassions like parties, or days out with mutual friends. He used to invite me for dinner at least once a month, etc. This was a great time for DS. Meet at school for related activities, etc.

Now, he is in a new relationship and his new girlfriend didn't consider that appropiate, so as he needed to show her there was nothing between us I was getting a lot of rudeness from him when she was around. So, we are hardly speaking to each other right now. DS is picked up from school and returned to school. I think this is a disgrace whose main victim will be DS, unfortunately, his father seems it now as the only reasonable way.

mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 21:39

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OrangeFish · 20/09/2009 21:51

I understand what you mean. Some people just think that there is something wrong about you, you were terribly selfish and divorced without a reason, or try to find proof that you actually care in a romantic way for the person you have left.

IME only the persons nearest to us, those who knew the in and outs of our relationship over the years, were the only ones able to understand a friendly break up.

mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 22:01

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mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 22:01

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jamestkirk · 20/09/2009 22:56

maybe 5 minutes a year - had this years' worth today - tho we didnt actually speak to each other. will keep me going till next year

Snorbs · 20/09/2009 23:19

The only real time I spend around my ex is at school events. It used to be more but it became clear that the less contact I have with her the easier and calmer my life becomes.

tvaerialmagpiebin · 21/09/2009 18:35

Thanks everyone for your responses.
It is hard to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
OrangeFish · 22/09/2009 00:03

GEt this book, it's really good: Putting Children First

tvaerialmagpiebin · 22/09/2009 20:27

Thanks Orangefish - it looks good, will deffo have a read

OP posts:
rachyh85 · 26/09/2009 18:34

cccccc - my ex asked for dds birth certificate (he is non-uk) so he could get her another passport. i said no, not until she is old enough to ask for one herself. i said she has a passport to go abroad, why would she need 2? (its so that he has one of his own) anyhow, i found out he just went and got another copy from the registrar.. apparantly anyone can get a copy if u know their name and dob. anyhow, in secret, hes trying for a passport in home country that i dnt have to sign for as im uk citizen and only 1 parent sig reqrd. telling u this so that u are aware.. oh, he also applied for deep poll to change her name, stupid man, but theres no way that can be honoured without my consent.

giantkatestacks · 26/09/2009 18:37

school events - dinner every sunday with all of us (exp, dh, ds, dd with dh and me), birthdays, christmas, one holiday a year (not main holiday), drop offs and pick ups, occasional days out...

We find it absolutely fine but we didnt have a difficult messy split.

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