Is being a single parent preferable than having a disruptive partner?

[jeaux90]

Hi All,

I'm four months pregnant, my first at 37, a mistake but decided to have the baby.

My partner is dutch and the most unreliable SOB ever.

Without going into details, is there anyone out there that has decided to go it alone even though there is an offer (albeit unreliable) to stick together and work it through?

Also, any experience of claiming support from a partner outside the UK?

No exp but think I would rather be on my own than with a SOB tbh.

Are you working? Does he work and does he want the baby? Do you love him? Do you want it to work?

Yes I work and have a good maternity scheme thankfully.

Yes he wants the baby and love has never been our problem, (his display of love is not the same though as a normal human it has to be said) He's a compulsive liar and I don't trust him. He has messed up so many times, and even though I have given him a clean slate he still messes up.

This baby and I just are not his priority it seems and if I decide to go it alone I just wondered how hard this really is and whether I can get any contribution from him if he is not a UK national.

Did that exact same thing - ex decided to become drug addict shortly after DS born (was always bit an arrogant, bad tempered git anyway) and I made the decision to split - although DS was 1 by then - but have to say, best decision I made.
Didn't get any money from him until couple of months ago (DS now 4) so it has been a struggle and he was around for the early months when it can be tough. Do you have friends/family around who can support you?
It is hard, but you will get through it if you decide to go alone (lots of us do!)
Often though, it means one less person to clean up after!

I am alone but never had a disruptive partner. TBH I don;t have any of the emotional baggage that goes with a difficult partner or any of the frustration guilt etc. But much will depend on your own personailty, how much other support you have around you.

No idea about support from non-UK partners though.

I am very glad I am only dealing with one child not the two I would have been dealing with had ExP been involved...

You guys made me smile actually, one less person to clean up after and just dealing with one child...you have no idea how true that is with this man. And thanks, its good to know that you can survive on your own, I kow plenty of us do.

Luckily I have a wonderfully supportive family and friends so I am really grateful for that. A couple of them have already tried to get dibs on being birthing partner which made me laugh and cry!

My partner "says" all the right things but I have no faith that he will actually "do" them. I have some time, but I really want to make this decision before my baby arrives.

It depends if he is nice and well meaning. If so, accept what he will give and don;t rely on him.

If not, get shot - it's infinitely better without.

I would go it alone rather than put up with a person who doesnt support me etc

I think you need to decide what kind of life you ant for your baby and put that in place then clearly explain to partner what he needs to do to be an active part of that. IF he can do that consistently then it might work if he can't then you would probably be better off accepting that he isn;t going to be a reliable part of either of your lives.

I think it's your mindset you need to have in place. You can't change him - so going it alone in theory is a good way to think, then whatever he does might be a bonus iyswim.

Good luck!

Is he nice and well meaning? He can be really sweet and loving and then completely horrid and unreasonable the next. Eggshells!

If there was an olympic medal for telling lies, he would be up there with Chris Hoy!

I think he needs therapy, he has promised to start when he moves over but who knows.

Maybe I'm being a control freak and just want things settled and in order. Is there anything wrong with that?

You need to look after yourself and baby. Forget about including him in any plans, he sounds as useful as a choc teapot tbh

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting things organised but he doesn't sound liek he'll help you with that plan

Behave as though he isn't there, and let him fit in with you whenever he can. Dont stand any nonsense and don't pretend to yourself that you can make him do or be anything other than what he already is - then you should be fine.

Thanks flightattendant, you are right.

If I plan for us to be on our own then at least I can set my own expectation rather than be disappointed.

The sort of things this guy has done, said, lied about you would usually read in a dross mag...and it makes my friends toes curl!

I think I probably need professional advice about claiming help from him seeing as he isn't from the UK, but to be honest I could probably survive without it.

I did the exact same thing, left my unreliable, compulsive liar, amoral partner at 2 months of pregnancy! I had to go very far away as he was making threats about custody and access and it was damaging my mental health to be near him.
I moved far away where i didn't know anyone, worked through my pregnancy while staying in a homeless shelter and then a temp flat, and stayed strong and positive throughout. I had a horrendous birth alone - make sure there's someone with you! and moved again two days before the birth as i didn't think it was fair to have a baby in a homeless flat somehow, in a bad area!
Through all this, and even working in two jobs to support myself when pregnant, i was INFINITELY more contented, happy, positive, and less worried, obviously there was no clinginess or embarrassment or insecurity as the man just wasn't near me.. what an almighty relief it was to have him off my back.
Yes it is very tough going it alone. But you sound like a strong character for even contemplating leaving this man, who sounds an absolute nightmare. Over time he will also grind down your ability to trust anyone. There is no reason why you cvan't still see him and he can still even be around to look after the baby and give the baby a father, which is meant to be so important, although my little boy is such a happy and very intelligent chap at the age of 2 and he's never had any father figure! In fact i think i talk to him more as i am not busy running round after some jerk.. that contact is very important!

So I'd say if he is stopping you enjoying your pregnancy, and making you insecure miserable and stressed, you would be better off alone. Over time you will find another man who deserves you. I believe there is no healing compulsive liars and i pity any woman who is with my ex. Oh and he doesn't even know i had a baby....!

oh and forgot to say! yes he was almost begging me to stay and emailing all my friends, but it was too late by then! have no regrets whatsoever.

Thanks Milfandonesugar, your observation is true, I'm really not enjoying my pregnancy.

I told my parents and friends last week about the baby and their joy and happiness has started to make me feel better.

That made me stop and think. Any half decent guy would realise that if there is a time to try make a woman feel loved and special its now. But he doesn't.

I admire your tenacity at going it alone depsite the very difficult circumstances, it has given me hope!

Yes it is sad I know, but pregnancy can be a real test of whether a partner is a man or a boy. Some of us unfortunately get pregnant to a man who we don't really know at the time, but you can still have a perfect, happy baby. In fact if you are relaxed, the baby will come out more relaxed! Even things like hearing shouting in the womb can affect a child for years, not to mention the stress hormones.
It wasn't exactly my dream to be a single mum and i have to say, when i was working at a supermarket checkout at Xmas 8 months preggers and beautiful glowing pregnant women were coming in with perfect maternity clothes and dependable looking men i sometimes wanted to cry all over my ill fitting polyester uniform!
However now it is a different story and a lot of couples are already breaking up, their children only 2! Other mums are stressed out by their man making constant demands on them and their bodies, pressuring them to mother the child their way
Enjoy your pregnancy! It is a very precious time! Keep a diary (imagine how much happier it will be without having to include your partner's misdemeanours!
Take care! You sound so rational and intelligent. Congratulations, you're blessed!

You just made me really teary, but in a good way. You have real grit and determination and I greatly admire that.

Thanks for your advice, I think I have the strength to do this alone and its probably going to be easier in the long term as you quite rightly point out, even though there will be times when you covet a couple's happiness, I'm sure those will be few.

I'm ok with me, I think I'm ok, and I'll think me and this baby will be just fine!

Just browsing and found this post - realise its been around a while, but still thought I would contribute I am 38, expecting my first child in April, it was not planned but I decided to continue with the pregnancy. The father is younger than me (13 years), and to be honst in a bad place himself with his own demons to contend with and we were not together for any great length of time. I have had no contact with him since October. At the outset he appeared to be reasonably supportive in his own way, but just turned into a nasty little man that said hurtful things and acted the same way. The first 3 months of my pregnancy I think i cried every day. I did here from his folks, who have offered there support - which is appreciated. However, it was was distressing to here that he was back wth his ex (not sure if they ever really broke up - was way too trusting of this person - promised the earch and all that!) Anyway, it turns out that she is expecting now, and from my calculations he was having his cake and eating it... I thought I could cope wth the news - but gradually as time has passed I felt gutted by what had happened... feel like I should be on Jeremy Kyle or something . I am quite a strong person, independant, and financially OK for the foreseable future, but to be treated in such a manner just breaks my heart at times. Men can be so cruel with their actions and not realise the impact they have - and especially when pregnant.. as if our emotions are not up the wall enough!!! I think reading this post though, it does help to get that perspective back and realise that long term I am so much better off on my own without with the added stress of his behavior. I know it will hurt for a while, but in the end, there will be something beautiful and precious out of all this

Thanks for getting my focus back

Absolutely it is better!!!!!

I am no longer seething with resentment about all the help I'm not getting! When I was with my x I got no support, emotional, practical, financial (he was very mean and critical, but refused to see things that way). He was just extremely selfish and self-centred and wanted a family wihtout making one single tiny sacrafice himself.

Being single is not that bad! Seriously! It gets a lot of bad press!

I could bet if we were on Jeremy Kyle together I would be grabbing the mike and saying, but wait 'til you here THIS!!!

milf what a story, it's amazing how strong we can be when we need to be. I agree with what you say about couples splitting up after the baby is born, or its first birthday. It's rife. Jeaux90, you're just doing the split first! Spare yourself the prolonged agro, if you know it's inevitable, sort out your own life sooner rather than later.

I wish I'd left my x when I was 9 wks prg, as I thought of doing. But no, like a hopeless sap, I stayed until things got so bad I had to leave with an 18 month old who 'knew' his dad. We had just the clothes we had on, because things were so, so awful by then.

Can't endorse any more strongly what FlightAttendant said already, just sort out your own life, and allow him to be peripheral but not to jeopardise your plans for your life.

PS, congratulations on your pregnancy!! I didn't enjoy mine either, and I can never get it back. Come here and tell us what's happening this week?! ARe the eyelashes already formed! It is incredibly exciting. A new life is always so exciting. The other 'stuff' will shift around it.

its difficult to say what you should do. if you have been with the guy for a reasonable amount of time and his behaviour /lies have been constant and almost caused breakups between you in the past and he still hasn't changed, then, from my own experience, i have to say, if you don't leave him now, it will only be a matter of time before you do. unfortunately your child will have an attachment to him and vice versa for him with the child. breaking up then can be more difficult and even lead to unwanted threats. i told my husband to move out in october as i had 11 years of lies and simply just not being 'straight' about things, even little things and i found myself permanently 'confused' by events & conversations and i was always blamed for 'misunderstanding' or not 'listening' or simply looking for arguments. there was an element of mental & emotional abuse (intended or not, i don't know) it was very much part of his 'make up' and so i can't ever see him changing or for that matter having any 'permanent' 'meaningful' relationship with anyone at close value. i became worn down, mentally and emotionally and at times lost a lot of weight. being of slight build naturally, this just made me look ill and many people noticed. i now have 3 very young children, 6 year old, 4 year old and 17 months but i simply wasn't prepared to live with it anymore and more to the point i didn't want my children to think that it was normal to be spoken to by your husband like that or that it was normal to be humiliated in front of others etc. it was my children that kept me in the marriage for so long as they and he love and show love for one another very much, but ironically it was because of the children i left him. good luck. if you don't leave him now, you will further down the line, even if its years from now. babies and children are hard work and its not made easier by a selfish partner or untrustworthy one.

its difficult to say what you should do. if you have been with the guy for a reasonable amount of time and his behaviour /lies have been constant and almost caused breakups between you in the past and he still hasn't changed, then, from my own experience, i have to say, if you don't leave him now, it will only be a matter of time before you do. unfortunately your child will have an attachment to him and vice versa for him with the child. breaking up then can be more difficult and even lead to unwanted threats. i told my husband to move out in october as i had 11 years of lies and simply just not being 'straight' about things, even little things and i found myself permanently 'confused' by events & conversations and i was always blamed for 'misunderstanding' or not 'listening' or simply looking for arguments. there was an element of mental & emotional abuse (intended or not, i don't know) it was very much part of his 'make up' and so i can't ever see him changing or for that matter having any 'permanent' 'meaningful' relationship with anyone at close value. i became worn down, mentally and emotionally and at times lost a lot of weight. being of slight build naturally, this just made me look ill and many people noticed. i now have 3 very young children, 6 year old, 4 year old and 17 months but i simply wasn't prepared to live with it anymore and more to the point i didn't want my children to think that it was normal to be spoken to by your husband like that or that it was normal to be humiliated in front of others etc. it was my children that kept me in the marriage for so long as they and he love and show love for one another very much, but ironically it was because of the children i left him. good luck. if you don't leave him now, you will further down the line, even if its years from now. babies and children are hard work and its not made easier by a selfish partner or untrustworthy one.

To op, ime and imho, probably better off without him. He'll ruin you eventually anyway. Get out as soon as you can.

Oh dear, sorry, sounds very negative, but that's my whole hearted advice.

(formally TJ70)
Thanks Liffey - if I ever find myself on the JK show, I'll drop you a line.. . It must have taken a lot of courage for you to up and leave with your wee one - but am sure you are so much better off and as you said able to focus on your own life and that of your child - its so easy to lose this focus when there is someone so negative and disruptive in your life.

I can relate so much to milfs comment too 'pregnancy can be a real test of whether a partner is a man or a boy'. As hard as it is (or should I saw was - time to be positive!) going through the pregnancy alone, I know I am so much more less stressed than if this 'boy' had stuck around. I don't feel angry towards him though, just disapponited..

jeaux90, I hope you are able to make the right decision and simply focus on you and your baby for the remainder of your pregnancy - keep us posted on how things are going...

I am going to start the new year with my focus 100% on me and my baby and our future