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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

confused what should i do

18 replies

lochlanfaidesmummy · 03/09/2008 01:25

Having found out i was pregnate, i told the guy i have been seeing. he was shocked first of all i am on the pill he is snipped and we used a condom. then he tells me he is married i was shocked and disgusted. he has 3 kids already and one baby which was born yesterday. We haven been seeing each other for 2months. how could i not know.
my decision is what do i do about the pregnancy, he obviously wants me to terminate, i had previously agreed i just really dont feel right about it. i know he will not be there at all, and i already have a DS 3 to a previous relationship.
i dont want a termination but i am scared to do it alone

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 03/09/2008 01:31

Only you can make this decision, but there are helplines etc you can ring to chat to someone (just be careful you don't get an anti-choice one as all their information will be inaccurate and biased).
If you don't want a termination, don't have one, especially not for the benefit of this dickhead. SIngle parenthood is not that bad, in fact it has many joys. But there is also always the possiblity of having a baby adopted.

FlightAttendent · 03/09/2008 07:23

Ok, well first of all you poor thing and what a horrid bloke for deceiiving you like this.

I would say he has absolutely no right to ask you to have a termination and all the fallout will be on your shouldres, so please, please take a step back and try to think about what YOU want. Leave him out of this decision - he mucked you about and any consequences he faces are entirely his own fault. You have no responsibility toward him whatever he says.

If you don't want to terminate, then it is simple - don't. I have two children both of whose fathers wanted me to have abortions. I was under immense pressure each time, and could not bring myself to do it - so I kept both babies, and now I have two fantastic sons

Do you have any other support - family etc or good friends near you?

I am sorry you're in this situation, but it doesn't have to be awful. Lots of us here to listen if you want to rant xx

FlightAttendent · 03/09/2008 07:25

Ps it is much easier the second time, I was afraid about coping with a baby as well as ds1 on my own, but it was just way easier because you already know how to do it all.

Don't be scared.

Original poster

lochlanfaidesmummy · 03/09/2008 11:19

thanks flightAttendent for your very nice words. i do have a decent family support around, but it isnt going to go down well with them how this baby was concieved. i would have to wait until no point of return to tell them. i have a fantasic base of friends aswell whom i know will help me through thick and thin. my second thought is how can i support a new baby. i lost my job last week and Im studying at uni, i dont want to give up my education because i have thought so hard to start it. but how relistic is it to find a job that will fit my uni and family hours?
If i dont consider him at all i would keep the baby, but i cant not consider him, it is a part of him too.

OP posts:

bethoo · 03/09/2008 11:25

but just because he wants no part of it does not mean you should terminate. at the end of the day it is your decision.
i am amazed you got pregnant what with you on the pill, hes had a vasectomy and you used a condom! super sperm/eggs!
at the end of the day only you can make that decision whether to keep the baby.
and your parents may be shocked on the conception but once they are holding that baby (should you keep it) none of that will be relevant.

bethoo · 03/09/2008 11:26

hello Flightattendant

Tinkerbel6 · 03/09/2008 11:56

lochlan you will cope there are loan parent benefits for uni students, it might be hard to do both but you will get there and it will only be for a couple of years. You don't have to tell people how your baby was conceived, its no-one elses business, hopefully you do keep the baby and get some kind of financial support from this guy if nothing else

FlightAttendent · 03/09/2008 13:39

I understand about taking him into consideration, but it sounds as though he will not rpay the favour - he is not really taking you into consideration at all is he?

love and good luck to you, I hope you can find a way to make things work xxx

citronella · 03/09/2008 14:23

don't let your parents beat you up about how the baby was conceived. If you didn't know anything about his situation he has behaved despicably both to you and his family.
I agree with FlightAttendent, you are probably best rid and as far as the baby goes its your decision. For what it's worth, I was conceived in a very similar fashion. My mum's parents wanted her to abort but she refused. I had a lovely childhood with my single mum (my father died anyway although he wouldn't have been on the scene much) and much much later in adulthood have even made contact with half siblings. It's not all bad but I wouldn't place too much faith in him he has already shown his colours.
Very best of luck to you

FlightAttendent · 03/09/2008 14:30

That is so nice to hear citronella

my family were also against my having the baby but they like him now! they had already supported me through one pregnancy. so they weren't very pleased but they stuck by me.

citronella · 03/09/2008 14:38

Exactly, my grandparents also ended up doting on me and spoiling me rotten.

Original poster

lochlanfaidesmummy · 09/09/2008 12:08

I made an appointment, and went there alone, He was suppose to pick me up, i had an ultrasound to confirm dates and found out i had concieved twins. i couldnt go thru with it and made my decision just as they put me under. i woke up crying upset cos i didnt want them to do it, i thought they had. but they didnt. i am so happy i didnt go through with it.
He picked me up but we didnt talk he brought me home and put me to bed. and as agreed we said our final goodbyes.
he doesnt know that i have kept the pregnancy, and i dont think i will tell him.
We agreed that after the appt. we would not have anymore conatact with each other. so i completely deleted him. he is moving at the end of the month so i wont have any contact with him.
i dont know now wether or not to tell him that i have kept it.

OP posts:

estuaryfairy · 09/09/2008 15:56

I had split with my dd's dad before I found out I was pregnant and decided not to tell him about it. Not sure quite how realistic that was seeing as we live in a small town and have mutual friends, blame the pregnancy hormones. Of course, he did find out and he did support me throughout the pregnancy and the birth and during dd's first few months. She's now 15 months and has a doting and besotted daddy in her life. I realised very quickly that not telling him would have been very wrong of me. He had a right to know about his child, how he chose to deal with that information was then up to him.
Of course, your situation is very different and if you choose not to tell the father, it sounds very unlikely that he'll ever find out (until your children want to find him, that is...) but I think he does have a right to know. He may choose to have no contact and offer no support, but that's his choice. You will be doing the right thing by telling him and giving him the choice of being part of his children's lives or not.

Tinkerbel6 · 09/09/2008 17:04

lochlanfaidesmummy awwww twins that is lovely and you will cope with support.

I wouldnt bother telling him now incase he starts and I dont think you need the stress, you can always tell him when the babies are born and you never know he might want to play an active part in their lives, good luck to you

MrsSnorty · 09/09/2008 20:45

Congratulations lochlanfm... it is lovely news.
Agree with tinkerbel - you don't need the stress of dealing with him at the moment. Enjoy your pregnancy, look after yourself and get yourself sorted for when the babies come. You can deal with XP later.

citronella · 10/09/2008 12:42

You will be fine and don't think twice asking for help where and when you can

Original poster

lochlanfaidesmummy · 12/09/2008 01:41

I was thinking about it for a bit, i have decided i will write him a letter, after the 4month mark. i would tell him straight away if he wasnt married.
this will be his 5th and 6th child i want to wait a bit to tell him because his wife just had a baby herself. if he wants a part in the babies lives he might have to ease into telling her.
thank you all for your very kind words

OP posts:

Tinkerbel6 · 12/09/2008 10:20

Its your choice but do you see any good in telling him whilst you are carrying ? I think you will be bringing a lot of trouble and stress your way, if his wife has just had a baby then he will be even more adamant in protecting his family. I think you should wait until your baby has safely arrived before you contact him, this is something that can break a family, yes this man is a pig and in the wrong but his wife don't need this just after having a baby, I don't think you are going to get the response from him that you think you are going to get, sorry hun

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