Son saying he hates his dad and never wants to see him.

[WaterFlower9]

Hi all, I really need some advice on this situation because it’s breaking my heart every week.

My son is now 6, his dad and I split when he was ten months old so he’s never known us together that he will remember.

We split on ok terms, his dad wasn’t helpful during early newborn stage and was disappearing every night and staying out all hours on nights out, I was basically a single parent anyway so we split up but I tried my best to remain amicable for my sons sake.

When we first split, my ex was reluctant to have him overnight and would only have him on his day off work as he ‘couldn’t be tired for work’, I begged him to make more effort and eventually he had him overnight once a week.

Since my DS started school, the Monday has been dropped as his dad takes him and I pick up, unfortunately this has made the whole thing worse the less he has seen him as he now only really has the one day with him on a weekend.

My son is potentially neurodivergent (on diagnosis pathway) so I think this really is a major factor. He is very attached to me, we have a great relationship and he’s very open with me and feels safe to come to me and tell me how he feels and I’m so thankful he is, but I’m really struggling with how to help here. He is here 90% of the time and has his comforts here and his routines and his dads house doesn’t have that.

Every week is the same, him not wanting to go to his dads, he says he doesn’t like spending time with him, he hates seeing him, he doesn’t like going to his house. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t like going, how he feels at his dads, if anything in particular is upsetting him and he says it’s because he misses me and doesn’t like spending time with dad. I’ve reassured him his dad loves seeing him and wants to spend time with him, I’ve tried to make it seem exciting, told him I understand how he feels and that he can tell me anything, but nothing seems to help.

I don’t have any safety concerns about his dad, but I do think his lack of effort is becoming apparent to my son.

He moved in with his new partner and her child a few years ago, and my son would ask me why his dad sees his step sibling more than him.

They have just had a new baby together and my son has been asking questions about this again saying his dad won’t he able to play with him even more now. His dad hasn’t had him overnight for a few weeks due to the baby, and my son was really pleased about this.

His dad has said he’ll have him like normal this Sunday overnight, but DS REALLY doesn’t want to go now and has been hysterical about ever sleeping there ever again, asking me why he can’t just always sleep here.

I would do this in a heartbeat but I’m also really conscious of making sure he has at least some relationship with his dad, especially because he now has a new half sibling. His grandparents on his dads side are also amazing and I think the only reason his dad is still involved with him at all is because they would never allow him not to be, but I really feel so sad for my son. I don’t want him to be spending every week anxious about going, and I’m really contemplating asking his dad if he can stop the overnight stays, but I don’t want to end up with him never seeing his dad at all and I just feel lost.

I think you need to persist with him going, how do handovers work? Could they take place at school so there is less stress on him where he goes from one to the other?

Really? To be honest his dad sounds like a total waste of space who isn’t interested in him. That’s not going to be good for his self esteem. If he doesn’t have to go I’d just have a clean break.

Could you suggest he just goes for the day on a Sunday for now and see how things go over the next few months? Dad might be grateful because of the new baby and son will then have less anxiety about going because he knows it’s just for the day. This could make him enjoy seeing his dad a bit more and you might be able to bring the overnights back in the future at some point when/if your son is happier with it.

How far away is it? Could he stay until later in the day and then you pick him up or he gets dropped off to still sleep at home?

I don't think you should disregard your son's feelings. I would talk to him about whether he would want to see his dad for an hour or two or do something with just his dad. If your son is open to that, offer it to your ex, but don't force it if he's not. I imagine your ex makes bugger all effort with your son and your boy knows he doesn't like going and when he's there his dad's really not bothered. He'll probably not bother at all when he splits up with his current partner.

Totally agree with this, that sounds really sensible. Maybe instead of 1 night per week it can be 1 weekend day and another afternoon after school, if that works for your timings too?

How would he feel going to his grandparents for the day and seeing his dad there, say once a fortnight? They might be more hands on with him and follow more of a routine?

I'd separate two things: what your son needs, and how you raise it with his dad. The second is where these conversations usually go sideways.

If you lead with "he doesn't want to come to you," his dad hears rejection and digs in. If you lead with a specific, child-focused plan, he has something to say yes to.

Something like:
"Hi [name]. DS has found the overnights hard lately with all the changes. I want him to keep seeing you every week. Could we do Sunday days, say 10 till 6, for the next couple of months and then look at overnights again?"

Short. No blame. No mention of the baby or the new partner. It opens with him keeping his time, which is probably what he's most afraid of losing.

If he pushes back, don't argue the history. Repeat the plan once, calmly, and ask what would work for him instead.

My 6 year old made it quite clear their thoughts on their dad and we were married and had lived together as a family right up until he left so not like she didn’t know him or remember what family life looked like with us all together. Eldest has been consistent with their feelings and at times hatred and disregard of their dad for 5 years. No ND by the way. No parental alienation either before anyone mansions it. I keep my opinion of ex to myself but children aren’t the idiots we often take them for - they are a lot more perceptive. I don’t enforce contact and won’t ever. My rule has always been I won’t frustrate contact I will only facilitate it. If children don’t want overnights then they don’t go that’s simple. If my ex kicks up a fuss I make it clear I won’t drag a child kicking and screaming for contact or wave a child off in tears and if they say they want to stay home with me then so be it.