Adult daughter controlling my relationship

[Classy59]

Hi to anyone reading this, I need guidance and advice please.

My 20 yr old daughter diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, Autism and ADHD, lives at home with me and is making it difficult for me to have time to myself and a new relationship (which she encouraged by suggesting I went on a dating site).
So now I have met someone 8 weeks ago she’s making it really awkward by saying she doesn’t want him to stay over any time soon, and won’t even consider meeting him.
Ive also had to force the issue with getting some help as I’m on my own with this and an unpaid carer 24/7, 7 days a week. I am on the brink of burnout. I’m tired, mentally exhausted and she expects me to be doing everything for her.
Help please on what to do. Do I put my foot down ? I feel if I carry on allowing her to block my happiness she’s just taking the mick and not really caring about me as a person. She’s always gives me a hard time for anything to do with myself but if it’s her it’s really important.
im at a loss and can’t think clearly.

How have you even met and embarked on a relationship if life is as you describe? 24/7 7 days a week.

why is is daughter’s PTSD related to

'She expects me to be doing everything for her' - is she incapable?

8 weeks?! She is exactly right, she shouldn't have to meet him any time soon and she shouldn't have to put up with a random man in her home overnight.

Do her diagnoses prevent her from doing normal self-care and household stuff? If not then she needs to start doing them for herself. If you want to spend night with partner then go away for a minbreak.

I think it’s fine and healthy to have boundaries in place, what does your dd do? Does she work? Have any hobbies?

Personally I wouldn’t bring a man into the house if my dd wasn’t comfortable with it, can you stay at his?

Sorry but after 8 weeks, she doesn't need to meet him. Have sex in a different location.

Has she explored her own housing options? She might be well suited to assisted living.

That’s ok for her not to want another man to stay in her house too, that you’ve only know for 8 weeks. That you met online! Slow down.

Woah. What a lot of judgement assuming I’m after a bunk up!!!! Seriously. Small minded people.
im 61 years young, single parent, 10 years divorced from her dad.
it was my daughter’s idea that I went online to find someone actually and we get on great (I had chance to get to know him when my daughter was away on holiday with her friend for 4 weeks).
I’m looking for a life partner to be involved and support me in my everyday life together and be there for him too, as a family. Hence I would like them to meet so I’m not walking about on eggshells in my own home. I do have a right to a personal life you know, I am not only a mum and a carer.
Anyway, thanks for the non helpful comments and bitterness from all you perfect yummy mummies. This world has become very small and unkind sadly.

I'm the same age as you so it's not just younger yummy mummies. Eight weeks is too soon to bring someone new into your home. Your daughter might be 20 but she's in a different place to her peer group and you still need to see her as a young person.

If your daughter is able to go on holiday for 4 weeks, why are you her carer? Have you got into a default situation where you were her parent and as she has got older the relationship hasn’t developed or changed? This is quite common, especially with those with special needs. I think you need to reassess how things work for you both at home etc. I think you need to solve this first before addressing your new relationship. For now, I’d respect her wishes not to meet him but continue developing your relationship with him outside of the home.

You do need to establish boundaries with your dd. She is not entitled to dictate your life. However 8 weeks is too soon so I would carry on the relationship outside of the home and slowly address her anxieties about the new man. She may be feeling very anxious about the thought of a new person living in the home, as anyone would be. She's not in control of it so it's a worry for her. Reassure her that he's not coming to live with you at the moment and gradually introduce her to him when you are sure the relationship has legs. She has options when the time comes, such as moving out. It's a complicated time for you both and both of your needs and feelings need to be in the mix.

Has she had a social care needs assessment?

What a defensive overreaction. You absolutely can and should put boundaries in for your adult life, but 8 weeks in it's unreasonable to expect your autistic and vulnerable in various other ways daughter to want to meet him or have him in her home. You need to go slower, that's all.

If your daughter can cope going on hoilday for 4 weeks, you don't need to be at her beck and call. She can manage a evening on her own while you go out or a day on her own. My son has a learning disability, autism, adhd with a few other bits and he's capable of being left a few hours and doing basic chores and hes much younger than your daughter. She's become to reliant on you and its time you start stepping back bit by bit.

Your daughter has support needs, but does not actually need 24/7 care if she is able to go on holiday for a month. You need to step back a bit and carve out some time in your day to day life for yourself.

That does not mean that having overnight guests in the home needs to happen. Especially for someone with autism, a home is a safe space where masking does not need to happen. Overnight guests, especially a man with the statistical risks, are often harder for us.

You can still meet up with the man you are dating, just go to his place for now. Once you have been seeing him for longer, have the first meeting with your daughter be somewhere like a local cafe where she is comfortable, but that she doesn’t feel like her space is being invaded.

This advice is good. Build a relationship between your daughter and man outside the house first, so that when he does come over he isn’t a stranger.

If she can manage a 4 week holiday, you don’t need to be at her beck and call 24/7.

Im sure you have put EVERYTHING into parenting her, but it’s time to step back a bit.

I have a child with SEND. It’s waaay too early to introduce her to anyone. Her resistance doesn’t mean she doesn’t support you. She can’t handle the lack of certainty it brings into her life. I’d be saying you need to be dating a year before they meet tbh.

Also if she’s capable of going away for 4 weeks with a friend then it’s fine for you to have sleepovers at his place or go on holiday with him etc.

This poster put it better than me

Why are you doing everything for her when she’s at home if she can go on holiday with a friend?
Why would this new man want to join your family and all of its complications rather than just dating you? Does he want to be a carer for her? Why?
What’s the longterm plan for her, is she aiming to ever live independently? Where’s her dad?

The bigger question here is about how she transitions to an independent adult life. That needs to happen at some point.

Your daughter should not have to meet someone you only met 8 weeks ago. You say you want a life partner for support day to day (after 8 weeks). I give 24/7 care and my child is not going on holiday for 4 weeks.

Firstly, I think OP is getting a hard time. She's 20 not 5, I think OP can have her boyfriend over for a few hours in her own home without catastrophising that it's causing trauma to an adult child. I would agree if OP was talking about moving him in but she's not.

OP your DD is a lot more capable than she makes out of she went on holiday for 4 weeks so I think pulling back from enabling her dependence on you would be wise here! Don't let her control your life.