How do lone parents cope with an absent and inconsistent father?

[PeppyAmberViper]

I’m just venting here and looking for a bit of support and advice on how to deal with my situation.
I fell pregnant with a guy I’d known for about a decade, although clearly not as well as I thought. Initially, I thought abortion was the best option, but as time went on I had second thoughts. I decided to contact him to see how he felt about it. I told him I was 50/50 and that I would understand if he thought continuing the pregnancy was a bad idea.
He responded that he was happy and wanted to connect properly, including through video calls. We decided that, whatever happened between us, having the baby was a positive thing. He came to visit me, seemed invested, talked about moving closer, etc., so I genuinely believed that whatever happened between us as a couple, he would at least be supportive and involved as a father.
Unfortunately, when I was around eight months pregnant, he suddenly went quiet. I asked if everything was okay and he told me he had doubts about paternity. I said that was okay and that we could arrange a test as soon as possible. He then told me there was someone else he’d apparently been seeing throughout this time, which was a complete shock to me.
I was understandably upset, and he then ghosted me until around a week before I gave birth. We eventually established paternity, and I was sending him photos and updates. Things seemed okay again, and I encouraged him to visit us, but he didn’t come until our baby was four months old, and then only for one day.
He told me he’d moved in with his girlfriend when our baby was two months old. Initially, he’d said he couldn’t afford to visit, and since then communication has been very inconsistent. He would frequently ignore my messages and refused to speak on the phone, which I found confusing and upsetting. Perhaps I was expecting too much, or perhaps some of it was postpartum emotions, but we only actually spoke on the phone once after the baby was born.
He initially paid £100 a month in child support, but later reduced this to £60 and said he couldn’t afford to visit again. That was in April, and I’ve had no response to any of my messages since. Our baby is now 10 months old.
I sent him some photos the other day, but after waiting and getting no response, I eventually deleted them because continuing to reach out and being ignored is hurtful.
I’m considering applying for child maintenance, although he’s living in another country, so I’m not sure what my options are. Other than that, I don’t feel like there’s much more I can do. I’ve now deleted his number from my phone because I don’t want to be tempted to keep contacting him. It’s been four months since I’ve heard from him. I even suggested that he could visit once a year, perhaps around her birthday, but I received no response.
I don’t think he’s necessarily sorry for how this situation has affected me, and I still feel very confused by his behaviour. I feel that I was misled about what his intentions were, and it’s difficult knowing that I made such a huge decision based partly on what I believed his involvement would be.
I know that with time I’ll probably stop feeling hurt by it, and I’m trying to focus on being positive and being the best mum I can be. But some days are still really difficult, and I suppose I’m just looking for reassurance from anyone who has been through something similar — or advice on how you eventually stopped letting the situation consume you.

My sympathies, went through something similar. He wasn't abroad, just withdrew and decided he didn't want to be involved. That was around the very late stages of pregnancy.

Take good care of yourself. To me, it felt traumatic giving birth in these circumstances....realising he wasn't committed like he had said. I've had therapy on and off for many years, it doesn't fully go away. But I accept that's my journey.

Cherish your child - my life is infinitely richer for having them in my life. I feel unconditional love for my child and it's priceless.

Take this as a chance, as and when you can, to explore who you are. Remember your passions and interests. This is a way of staying grounded in the longer term so that your hurt doesn't consume you.

And remember too, you never know what your future holds. And you are doing your duty as a parent, whilst he isn't - hold on to that (your integrity) too.

It's a real shock sometimes, knowing that another person's moral boundaries are different to yours, but knowing this means you can move on to build a life of integrity with your child, even if it feels unfair and hard in the short term.

Been here too. He left when I was 8 months pregnant, returned after I gave birth turned up at the hospital. He was so inconsistent and only wanted to see him when he was in a bad way. I felt it was unhealthy for DS so I decided to stop contact when he was 5 he is 14 now. DS isn't bothered by it he remembers the promises that were never kept. I remarried eventually. You will get your happy ending. But I am sorry this has happened to you sometimes there isn't much closure ❤️

I’m sorry you are feeling let down and unsupported. Do you have a support network to lean on; relatives or friends? I made a different decision when faced with similar circumstances. Your baby is the most precious thing you will ever have in your life. They will learn to love by being loved unconditionally. You are providing that love but unfortunately the biological father has fallen short. Please draw your boundaries and protect yourself (and your child). He’s shown you how he feels and his intentions. I hope you can build a network (new mums groups, breastfeeding groups etc) and eventually find a deserving and loving partner and father for your child.

This is incredibly hard and unfair OP, you have my sympathy and also my respect because I know how hard it is on so many levels.

A few things which helped me:

I am not religious but the sentiment behind the Serenity Prayer is something that I come back to often, and which helped me as a lone parent.

Lean on friends where you can, and vent to them but not to DC. Tempting as it might be, try not to badmouth your ex to DC, this is to protect them, not him. There are times where you may have to address his actions / behaviour but tread carefully.

In my case DC are now v late teens and despite the hard times I feel lucky and privileged to have raised them pretty much solo. There were times when I desperately needed a break, money was horribly short, I was exhausted etc., and at the time I was furious with ex.. But now I feel like I was the lucky one and ex missed out on so very much.

Reading as somebody who is struggling with a very similar situation to OP. These replies have been incredibly kind and healing. Your words brought me to tears. It is such a heavy weight to carry.

It’s oddly comforting to hear that it never goes away. That it’s not something to fix. That something can be utterly devastating and traumatic, yet something wonderful comes of it anyway. I just wanted to say thank you.

Glad to be of help, and feel free to PM if you ever want to chat.