Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

I've just seen op moved away to be closer to her parents... so no the ex's fault that he does EOW.

Not his fault he is the man, either, but that seems to absolutely be at the bottom of some of the appalling views on here about someone that even from his ex’s view seems to be doing his best.

You seem completely unable to understand how shared custody works here, what the money he pays is for, and seem determined to ignore the harm she’s doing to her poor daughter.

No, you seem completely unable to understand how these things work.

Legally, the money he pays isn't for clubs, it is for the RP (in this case, the OP) to spend on her children in the way she feels is in their best interests (which may or may not include clubs). He has absolutely no say in how the money is spent. And there are good policy reasons for why the law gives him absolutely no say. It recognises that it is in the best interests of the children for their main parent, with whom they spend most of their time, to be able to make decisions about what to spend child maintenance on without being subject to the control of the NRP.

Nor does the the OP's ex get to 'armchair parent' his children by issuing orders to the OP as to what she should be doing with them. She decides, within the context of her family life with her children and her other responsibilities and drains on her time, what she can do in terms of facilitating extra-curricular activities. He doesn't live her life and she's not his employee so this (rightly) isn't something he has a say in. The way 'shared custody' works legally is that, certain reserved matters aside, both parents can parent as they think fit. And if the OP thinks that her children are better served by her not running herself into the ground and having a nervous breakdown, then that's a judgement she's entitled to make. It's not 'delinquent' or 'neglectful' even if different people would make different decisions.

As for the harm to the OP's DD, I have already said in several of my earlier posts that I think the OP should give some thought to whether (with or without her ex's support) it is possible for her DD to do this club.

I have to say that I find this manipulative of you.
You've uprooted the children from their father. You've decided that you're too busy to take her. You've decided it's too much money. You've decided a taxi isn't financially feasible. You've then coerced her into accepting that this is all because sometimes we can't always have what we want when it inconveniences you!
So what exactly are you doing with your 30k+ given its a it going on your children's wellbeing? She understands how busy I am, and how tight money is. You mean she accepts that you won't put her needs above yours? Very sad.

“Armchair parent”. How deeply unpleasant you are being here. I’ll leave you to it.

Cba to even consider it from the outset thsy proves.

I’d missed that, so it’s even worse, she’s saving it up when it’s supposed to be to pay for their needs now.

She quite obviously isn't doing enough!

She quite obviously isn't doing enough!

She's doing more than their dad is.

After taking them 50 miles away from him for her needs and even then due to her continued needs won't facilitate clubs as she's tired and busy saving the children's maintenance money! Love to see this one explained in a few years to come when they realise how self centred she has been.
There's nothing in any of the op's posts about what is actually in the children's best interests! It's all about her needs.

It’s quite breathtaking how someone can hear a story of a father whose wife got main custody and then moved his children away, and who’s now paying a good level of maintenance, having them at weekends, and is trying to ensure they are better looked after in the week, and paint him as the bad guy.

If this view isn’t being driven by anger over their own past then I just cannot imagine what’s behind it.

I would just keep turning it around on him. 'Yes she can go and I'll pay for the session if you make arrangements and pay for the transport' then if he says no, it's on him. Or suggest he arranges something like that when he has the children.

In the same vein tho get yourself out and about with the kids on an evening. Walking/cycling/swimming. It will be worth it.

Assuming the house you're in is big enough as you're living in it, so a bigger house is a want not a need. Your child sounds like a sports club would be highly beneficial to her. She's overweight and does no activities. That is more of an actual need.

A bigger house is going to impress the neighbours much more than helping her daughter feel better about herself, so I can see why it’s a higher priority.

People seem very focused on the money aspect.

we don’t know her bills. We don’t know what either adult makes.

child maintenance is to keeps kids on equal footing at both houses.

As the OP has said, it’s not, it’s going into her own savings account to buy her a nicer house.

Thank you those of you who can see that it's absolutely not my ExH's place to dictate to me how I spend my budget!

My DCs understand the sacrifices I make for them.

DD asked AGAIN about the club today, I think she's been chatting with her mates who went on Friday so she's got an attack of the FOMO

So I gave in and called the Ex to talk about it. He offered to pay for the taxi if I would pay for the activity. I said no - DD doesn't want to get in a taxi, and I'm too busy to drive her on a Friday night. And he can't expect me to cover the cost of the club within my budget.

He threatened to enroll her in the club, pay for it himself and deduct the cost from the CM he pays me. He says he'll arrange the taxi and all I have to do is get DD ready and tell her get in the taxi on Friday. I won't be doing that - if a taxi turns up on Friday night, he'll be paying for a wasted journey.

I think at this point that's a reasonable offer from your ex.

In your place, I would offer to take your DD first time (so she can get an idea of whether it's for her), but make it clear to her that, if she wants to join in after that, it's taxis going forward (and that's a good solution for everyone).

How much is this club? Is it something you have to commit to paying for so many weeks or ad hoc?

I do feel like your ex is trying to work with you by offering to pay the taxi fares.

Réorganise your Friday night then. From what you’ve said previously you’re doing nothing tone critical here.

Youvare just being difficult at this point, and extremely selfish.

I think you need to give DD the choice of doing the taxi and going to club now your ExH has agreed to pay or not doing it.

You can't do the travel so what is DDs solution to getting there and back?

Well if your DD wants to go so much, it’s either taxi or nothing.

(Working on the basis she can’t go with one of her friends, etc)

How much is the club ?
Can you rearrange whatever you normally do on a Friday to drive her ?
My DS used to have an activity on a Friday evening and I had to drive him even though I was exhausted; sometimes we just have to bite the bullet for our DC.
To be honest you sound completely unreasonable.

What is it you usually do on a Friday which makes you too busy to drive her? Do you have another commitment or are you at home?

I know you say you're saving for another house but can you actually not afford this? You've said your daughter is overweight so you should really be doing everything in your power to encourage her to be active, even if that means your savings take a hit for a while.