Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

Yeah he's got form for telling me what to do with the kids. He's been obsessing about them joining an after school club for years - but as I said, DD has tried and given up on so many different clubs now. This one will be no different.

Younger DS isn't bothered, he's happy enough playing at home or out with his friends. He too has tried and given up on Scouts, and various sports clubs at school. There isn't much going on in my local area, so any clubs they do attend I have to drive them to.

Well, you're entitled to say to the other parent, "I want you to do this, this and this for the children and pay for it as well".

But they're equally entitled to tell you where to go with your demands. So no, you don't get to tell the other parent what to do and expect to be taken seriously. Do it yourself if it's that important.

He doesn't get to decide what the child maintenance is spent on. He has no say in how it is spent. It is for the RP to spend the money for the benefit of the children.

So no, he hasn't already 'paid' for this.

I can't believe how many people don't understand that maintenance is to cover housing the DC not just food and clothes. If you live in an expensive area mortgage or rent for a 2 or 3 bed house plus all the bills is huge. The op has clearly said they are struggling financially despite maintenance.

Generally I’d say it’s up to each parent on their time. But on this occasion - and with your daughter wanting to try it - I think you should give it a go. Maybe tell her you’ll trial it until the summer holidays, and then go from there.
I don’t know how expensive the activity is, but you probably get more maintenance than 95% of us, so I can kind of see where your ex is frustrated, paying you £££ each month, and then you’re pleading poverty with the dc.
I do sympathise with the need for downtime, and the difficulty of activities, but it’s only one night per week.

You’ve switched to writing this to me as though I am an absent parent, which is a bit weird, it’s “him” not “you.”

Is it safe to assume that you’re reading something if you and a partner in this. I’m very happily married, our children live with us, and we are both extremely happy to facilitate their activities, financially and in terms of time.

I feel so, so sorry for the OP’s daughter here, and find it appalling that her mother is putting her child’s needs so far down her priorities.

Yes obviously I don't just spend all of the CM on food! I also need to provide a home for them, mortgage, bills etc. I'm furiously saving my money to try and move to a bigger house so all my spare funds go towards that.

Someone upthread asked how much the club and taxi would be. To be honest I don't know - all I know is it's going to be beyond what I can afford.

@SlightlyGeordieJohn - I am in fact using 'you' instead of 'one' as a singular, impersonal pronoun, as is permitted in colloquial English. As I would have thought was obvious from the context (seeing as you hadn't mentioned your parental/marital status) 🙄.

So please don't get your, err...unmentionables...in a twist - I haven't been addressing you personally! Hope that clears it up.

£740!!!!! For two kids wow that's a lot - and you work full time? Sorry I don't see how you couldn't afford after school clubs when you've no childcare to pay for.

I get £300 a month for a 12yo and a 9yo and most of that goes on childminder, their savings accounts and clothes.

I suppose it also depends what the club is ?
Saddle club is £30 a week so dd doesn't go every week. I could see how something like that could fairly add up.

Interesting how in the past I've seen women on here told they can't dictate what their ex does with the dc on his time (in relation to him refusing to facilitate clubs on his weekend)
Yet an ex can apparently tell the RP what to do on "her" time.

Your maintenance is way more than it costs to feed and clothe two teenagers so I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay. If your ex paid less then I would agree with you but £740 a month is more than enough to pay for a club or two.

Maintenance has to go towards mortgage, energy, car wear and tear, food etc. It's not just for kids things.
As a lone parent my dcs didn't do some activities as my health and work had to come first. I wasn't going to be let off the mortgage if I was too burnt out to work. And I came very very close quite a few times, even now their teens I'm run ragged.

they're I hate electronic keyboards. Bring back blackberries that are easy to type fast on.

It’s almost as though different people have different opinions, and also as though you are taking someone saying that the husband can say what he wants, and changing it to “dictate” dishonesty, to try to make a point that you couldn’t if you were honestly quoting posters.

But he is trying to 'dictate'. He's telling the OP he expects her to pay for it and then trying to guilt her though their DD (a low move if ever there was one) when she refuses. That's not exactly simply expressing his opinion on the point.

It’s saying what he’d like, and the OP doesn’t have to go along with it.

She should, she’s being delinquent, but sadly in the UK there’s nothing to be done if a mother wants to act as she is.

YABU your overweight child wants to do a sports club and you appear determined to prevent this rather than examining how you can facilitate this.

If you're convinced she won't do it for long why not just sign her up? You won't suffer for long after all.

I get that you're saving but if you're children have no activities and you a healthy CM then maybe some of the money you're squirrelling isn't actually spare.

If she has friends that go can you not ask one of their parents to help with the ferrying or share it?

Obviously it's tiring and draining being you and you've been through the mill with clubs but people change and people find their thing. As someone who was an over weight teenager for a couple of years I think she'll grow to resent for this when she's older and will never know if it would have been a game changer for her or not, but she'll probably assume it would have been.

I mean this kindly, though these things never sound it in text, but,is your issue with your ex's behaviour more than logistics? It's entirely understandable if it is, but don't punish your daughter to make a stand against her dad.

Delinquent ? Oh give over. OP is unable to facilitate the club. Her teen seems to understand that.

Her ex otoh is trying to guilt trip her into doing it anyway. What a decent parent would have done is say "I know you want to di the club. But mum can't get you there at the moment. Perhaps if i can offer to pay for a taxi there and back etc can come to an agreement about the fees " rather than "mum won't let you go".

And yes, I'm well aware there are different people with different opinions. But funny how the overall consensus is always that the RP can't expect the NRP to facilitate clubs on their days and the child should just miss them on those weeks. (Even though the RP probably has to pay for missed sessions)
Yet the NRP can expect the RP to facilitate things that they want the DC to do regardless of the time/ money constraints.

She should, she’s being delinquent, but sadly in the UK there’s nothing to be done if a mother wants to act as she is.

That's just not true. There is absolutely something that can be done if the mother is providing inadequate care. The father in this case can argue for 50/50 care or even to be the primary parent, and request that the children come and live with him. Then he can facilitate as many after-school clubs as he wants. If a parent suspects the other parent of neglect, they need to try their best to remove the child from the care of the neglectful parent.

No, she’s made clear that she could facilitate it, but she wants her “down time” and “me time”.

Her father has truthfully told the daughter why she can’t go.

Somemposters here need to stop excusing bad parenting based on which parent is which. The maintenance payments are to cover the children’s needs for the nights they are not with him. Their mother is choosing not to do that, to deny her daughter something that the daughter both wants and needs.

Then in this case I hope he does.

Lots of people taking issue with ex only seeing them EOW... Op states that's due to distance from house.... if it was op who moved away then he can't be criticised for not seeing them more.

And the £740 a month is a good amount of maintenance... that's his contribution... mum also has to contribute so the £740 isn't supposed to cover everything for the children.

I'm sorry op but I'm with the ex on this one. He's not being overly demanding to expect one weekly activity to be paid for.

No, she’s made clear that she could facilitate it, but she wants her “down time” and “me time”.

She's not a service human being. Her ex gets plenty of "down time" and "me time". Why can't he sort this one out?

She can't facilitate it because she needs some downtime. Take it from someone who did so much i had a breakdown.

If dad's that bothered he can take her. 50 miles isn't that far.

And actually, even if what he told the dd is the truth it doesn't matter. Sometimes children need a modified version of the truth not "mum could take you but won't" which implies mum isn't doing enough.

Because she took the children and moved them away from him. You seem completely unable to understand how shared custody works here, what the money he pays is for, and seem determined to ignore the harm she’s doing to her poor daughter.