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Original poster

Activities - who should pay?

228 replies

DragonBoots · 20/05/2022 15:07

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

OP posts:
tiredmumof4teenagers · 20/05/2022 15:19

As him to facilitate it. Cost it up and send him the estimated costs, with the numbers of the taxi firm and the subscription details of the sports club.

You've told him you can't take anymore on.

Tell him you'll willingly support your daughter get ready for club and can he let you know what time she should be waiting for the taxi.

Then it's on him. You are not stopping them going, but can't afford to finance it or have the mental energy to do it.

Original poster
DragonBoots · 20/05/2022 15:25

He has done all of that stuff - before he agreed it with me, he'd already contacted the club and got the joining details. He says he's also found a taxi firm and would book it - but he expects me to pay out of my budget.

OP posts:
Original poster
DragonBoots · 20/05/2022 19:06

Ive just had drama from DD again about this club - her mates go on a Friday night, so she again came home from school asking if she could go.

She's been talking to her Dad about it, he's told her he's willing to make the arrangements for her and that the money he's paid me should cover it. He says he thinks both DCs should be doing afterschool stuff, and that's what the child maintenance is for!

OP posts:
sickofthisnonsense · 20/05/2022 19:32

In a way he has a point in that the CM is for 5e benefit of the kids.

I feel sad that your children don't do any activities because you work and prioritise housework.

titchy · 20/05/2022 19:35

sickofthisnonsense · 20/05/2022 19:32

In a way he has a point in that the CM is for 5e benefit of the kids.

I feel sad that your children don't do any activities because you work and prioritise housework.

It has to house them. Presumably they like having their own bedroom? Maybe offer to get a smaller house and they share bedrooms/or one on the sofa, the you'd be able to afford the club.

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. I do think it's a bit sad prioritising housework over your kids though if I'm honest.

NerrSnerr · 20/05/2022 19:41

Are the children overweight?

Even though it's shit that he won't take them or pay I do think they should have the opportunity to do sports if it is possible?

Original poster
DragonBoots · 21/05/2022 00:16

They’re both a bit overweight yes. Ex has accused me of allowing eldest DD to become obese, but I can’t help what she eats when I’m not around. I’m going to try making healthier meals, but they eat unhealthy stuff when you’re at school which I have no control over.

After school they’re just straight onto their Xbox, I’ve tried to encourage them to do stuff but you try telling a teenager to get out of the house when they don’t want to!

Ex is adamant that DD should join this club, but that I should have to pay out of my budget.

OP posts:
SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 00:21

Isn’t that what the £9,000 per year is for?

Original poster
DragonBoots · 21/05/2022 00:26

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 00:21

Isn’t that what the £9,000 per year is for?

That pays for their clothes and food. Am I expected to cover their after school clubs and taxis as well?

OP posts:
IstayedForTheFeminism · 21/05/2022 00:31

Technically I think he's right that the maintenance should cover clubs etc.

But morally he should, imo, pay as he's the one who wants them to do the clubs.

As a child my dad lived a couple of towns over from us. On the weekends I was at his he would do the 40min drive to facilitate my numerous classes, shows, exams, etc etc. (No idea who paid for it all, probably mum. But he at least did the driving)

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 00:33

DragonBoots · 21/05/2022 00:26

That pays for their clothes and food. Am I expected to cover their after school clubs and taxis as well?

Show quote history

Yes, I’d say so. £9,000 is quite a lot more than you need to feed and clothe two children. Maintenance is supposed to cover more than only food and clothing.

TeaOnTheMountain · 21/05/2022 00:33

Hmm. Tricky. I pay for every club my kids do because I facilitate them. I don’t actually think this is reasonable- I think my ex should pay a bit towards them (even if not half) because he’s a high earner and maintenance is reduced in the expectation the other parent contributes.

but, my kids do instruments and lots of clubs. I don’t think one club a week is unreasonable to be honest- unless she’s picked a super expensive one or something! Though in his shoes I’d just pay for it, or I’d offer to split the cost with you, because I think if she’s overweight and on screens all the time getting her to a club is worth it at all costs.

JessesMum777888 · 21/05/2022 00:34

My son goes to football 4 x week 6-8 and plays both days Of the week.
I work full time and don’t get a penny off his dad never mind £740 per month.
my house is often a tip and dinner is often beans on toast so I’m in no way boasting.

Tothepoint99 · 21/05/2022 00:37

Heavens above...£740 a month!!!! What the hell do you spend it on???

No seriously.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 00:38

TeaOnTheMountain · 21/05/2022 00:33

Hmm. Tricky. I pay for every club my kids do because I facilitate them. I don’t actually think this is reasonable- I think my ex should pay a bit towards them (even if not half) because he’s a high earner and maintenance is reduced in the expectation the other parent contributes.

but, my kids do instruments and lots of clubs. I don’t think one club a week is unreasonable to be honest- unless she’s picked a super expensive one or something! Though in his shoes I’d just pay for it, or I’d offer to split the cost with you, because I think if she’s overweight and on screens all the time getting her to a club is worth it at all costs.

Yes, if it works in terms of getting her more interested in sports and exercise (and it is “if”, it may well not) it can be life-changing, so finding a way to at least try has to be worthwhile.

Is it not possible to drop her off then do your housework while she’s there?

Tothepoint99 · 21/05/2022 00:42

DragonBoots · 21/05/2022 00:26

That pays for their clothes and food. Am I expected to cover their after school clubs and taxis as well?

Show quote history

Designer clothes and shopping at Waitrose?

You can feed 2 kids and yourself on £50 a week and clothes £100 quid a month. If that. Even at £300 a month on just them, that's £440 a month left over.

Poor kids and poor ex.

Imogensmumma · 21/05/2022 00:44

My DP and his ex split the cost and driving of clubs and sports outside of maintenance. Is that a compromise you could make. As an overweight lady who was an overweight teen if she is excited about a club please let her do it

AnotherDelphinium · 21/05/2022 00:47

I assumed you were going to say you were getting a couple of hundred. If you’re kitting them out in designer names etc, tell them how much it costs and that next month they’ll get xx less. Same with food, no easy options, leave something healthier and cheaper for them to eat when they’re hungry!

If it’s benefiting their health, I really think you need to prioritise it. If you really can’t afford if this month as you’ve not budgeted for it, offer to pay half.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 00:51

AnotherDelphinium · 21/05/2022 00:47

I assumed you were going to say you were getting a couple of hundred. If you’re kitting them out in designer names etc, tell them how much it costs and that next month they’ll get xx less. Same with food, no easy options, leave something healthier and cheaper for them to eat when they’re hungry!

If it’s benefiting their health, I really think you need to prioritise it. If you really can’t afford if this month as you’ve not budgeted for it, offer to pay half.

If they are over-eating and overweight then spending a bit less on food and diverting it into paying for a sports club has to be worth a try, doesn’t it?

If you aren’t able to cover all the costs on the maintenance amount it’s maybe also worth doing a proper budget, understanding where the money is going, and trying batch- cooking, meal planning and so on.

AmyFl · 21/05/2022 00:51

None of his business what the maintenance is spent on. He certainly shouldn't be dictating what the DC do when they're with you.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 01:10

AmyFl · 21/05/2022 00:51

None of his business what the maintenance is spent on. He certainly shouldn't be dictating what the DC do when they're with you.

He’s their father, he sees his daughter putting on weight and wanting to do something about it, of course he has an interest in their well-being when they are not with him.

He’s not dictating either, he’s asking, but for some reason the OP doesn’t want to spend any of the very large amount she’s getting on her daughter’s health.

RainbowMum11 · 21/05/2022 01:13

This is outside of maintenance - that is to cover their living and clothes etc.

when it comes to activities that he can’t facilitate as he can’t spare the time but is pushing it through your DC but you can’t afford, then he should pay and organise as long as it fits in, as it’s on your time with them.

RainbowMum11 · 21/05/2022 01:16

Also, the maintenance amount will be relative to his earnings - bear in mind there will be so many other factors too.
so often DF don’t pay sufficient, don’t hold it against OP that he is paying a reasonable amount.

Tothepoint99 · 21/05/2022 01:18

AmyFl · 21/05/2022 00:51

None of his business what the maintenance is spent on. He certainly shouldn't be dictating what the DC do when they're with you.

🙄

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 01:20

RainbowMum11 · 21/05/2022 01:13

This is outside of maintenance - that is to cover their living and clothes etc.

when it comes to activities that he can’t facilitate as he can’t spare the time but is pushing it through your DC but you can’t afford, then he should pay and organise as long as it fits in, as it’s on your time with them.

The OP is receiving vastly more than is needed to feed and clothe two children, nearly £9,000 pounds per year, tax-free, or £170 per week. It’s simply not tenable to claim that a sports club membership and some travel costs can’t be found out if that. That’s only the husband’s share of course.

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