Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

You are spending far too much on their clothes and food if you spend £9000 plus child benefit on them. Are you using some of that money for other things that are not child related? I really think you should pay for those clubs. The father is already contributing a good amount

Do agree with a PP to let DD start the new club because she wants/needs to and not because the ex-husband decrees it.

I think this is the core of the matter.

In your shoes, OP, I would tell your ex that he has no right to dictate what you do with your time and your money because, contrary to what he seems to believe, you're not his paid nanny.

And then I would take a deep breath and sign your DD up anyway - because she wants to do it and because it will be good for her.

My lousy ex gives me £55 a week for our two children. They both do two activities each, we struggle like hell ( me and dh) but I personally think it's really important

Good for you. I get slightly more than you and really struggle. Just out of interest, how old are your DC? How much rent do you pay?

It really is. Standards for NR Dads are subterranean now.

If you read some of the opinions on here about how they should butt out entirely of decisions while they aren’t staying with them it’s clear that the criticism here is unrelated to what they do or don’t do. They are slated for wanting to be involved, as here, and slated for not being involved.

It’s pretty clear that their actual crime in the eyes of some posters is that they are men.

But can you not see that theres a massive difference between "dc would really benefit from joining x club. How can we facilitate that"
And "dc would really benefit from joining x club so you need to facilitate that"

If you read some of the opinions on here about how they should butt out entirely of decisions while they aren’t staying with them it’s clear that the criticism here is unrelated to what they do or don’t do. They are slated for wanting to be involved, as here, and slated for not being involved.

What they don't get to do is tell the RP how to parent in their time (just like the RP doesn't get to tell them how they should parent in their time).

It’s pretty clear that their actual crime in the eyes of some posters is that they are men.
Yes, I agree. And children of separated parents are talked about as though they should be passed backwards and forwards so everyone 'does their fair share of childminding'. Sometimes this just isn't viable with schooling and jobs and better a happy child settled with one parent than feeling like an Amazon parcel - at least this absent parent is supporting them financially.

Absolutely there is.

But that's if both parents are coparenting and the resident parent isn't apathetic and prioritising their evenings/needs.

If one parent is like this, it's no wonder that the NRP feels lope they need to command/insist.

It is during the time they are with their mother, and he’s fifty miles away. The mother is receiving a lot of money for exactly this sort of thing, but can’t be bothered to even look after them properly, so no, in this case it’s of course right that he’s asking the mother to sort it out.

Of course they do. They are both still parents all the time, they absolutely get to say what they would like the others to do.

It sounds as though someone needs to have serious words with her, why shouldn’t it be their father?

The mother is receiving a lot of money for exactly this sort of thing, but can’t be bothered to even look after them properly,

Not look after them properly? Fuck me. How dare the Mum work full time and make sure they have a clean and tidy home to live in, whilst doing all the parenting 12/14 days. On what planet is that "not looking after them" ffs.

Of course they do. They are both still parents all the time, they absolutely get to say what they would like the others to do.

No they don't. If you want to 'direct' someone as to what to do with your children, you need to do it yourself or hire a nanny. The general consensus when it comes to NRP weekends is that the RP has no right to tell the NRP what they should be doing during their time with the children.

If you want to have a conversation with your ex about how you think it would be good for the children to do X, Y and Z and how you can help to facilitate it, that's a different matter entirely.

The mother is receiving a lot of money for exactly this sort of thing, but can’t be bothered to even look after them properly, so no, in this case it’s of course right that he’s asking the mother to sort it out.

She's not his nanny. If the children are being provided with 'good enough' care, then he can't complain. And if they aren't, the solution for this is for him to play a greater role in actually parenting them, not try to dictate what his ex does and doesn't do.

Parenting is more than having a clean home!
The bar should be a damned sight higher.
I quite the op,
Once...I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs.
Well,this is no different to Millions of other parents who have to do this. I have to work, get dinner, get back out for clubs and for activities related to my child's disabilities that I have to pay for. I do it work and have a clean house! It's what good parents do!

The op continues, I need my down time after working all day.
Guess what, when you choose to have children you are accepting that your needs come second place. And giving up.some time once a week on the Friday when you have the weekend is hardly that selfless is it! Though given the op doesn't give a shit about the children's diet and their health status, I understand why someone of that calibre cba with their own child's needs over theirs just once a week!

I quite her again,
I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. The father quite reasonably has suggested an alternative given that the op cba and receives a minimum of 31k a year when you include child benefit, more if claiming uc or tax credits. She's not someone on the breadline.

I feel sad for the daughter, knowing that her wishes are so worthless and effectively now a pawn in the parents battle. With, only one parent focussed on the child.

With, only one parent focussed on the child.

But not focused enough apparently to, you know, just pay for the damn taxi given he earns a fair whack and leaves all the other day-to-day stuff to the mother.

^The op continues, I need my down time after working all day.
Guess what, when you choose to have children you are accepting that your needs come second place. And giving up.some time once a week on the Friday when you have the weekend is hardly that selfless is it! Though given the op doesn't give a shit about the children's diet and their health status, I understand why someone of that calibre cba with their own child's needs over theirs just once a week!^

But all this only applies to Mum? Dad has 12/14 days to himself. Plenty of downtime. Plus none of the extra mental load/life admin that come with children. I'd imagine mum is putting the children's needs above her own every bloody day.

Glad it's not just me that thinks this might be a reverse

Cant comment on your personal finances but imo yabu to prioritise household chores over childrens health. Take them to activity then get them to help in house.

Sorry i've not responded sooner, I've been out all day.

So, the ex can't take DD to the club himself because he lives too far away - I moved recently to be closer to my parents. He suggested the taxi alternative when I told him I'm too busy to drive her - but I've put my foot down and said no. DD doesn't want to go in a taxi, and I can't afford to cover it.

Her Dad has been on the phone with her today and told her that I'm refusing to allow her to go because I don't want to drive her or pay for it! I'm furious that he's told her that - but I sat her down and explained that sometimes we can't always have what we want. She understands how busy I am, and how tight money is.

You might be furious with what he said but hes not wrong.

This is the most bizarre and entitled point of view I’ve ever read on here. You seem not to understand even the concept of freedom of speech, let alone parenting.

Having shared custody doesn’t mean that your interest in your children’s well-being stops when the other parent has them.

The mother in this case unfortunately doesn’t have to do what the father would like, but to suggest that he has no right to ask is mental.

You’re furious that he told her the truth? Why?

As to money being tight, how can you possibly not have enough to take care of them when you are getting £9,000 from their father, plus whatever your share is?

Cut down on how much you feed them, you have already said they are getting fat, and put that towards the costs.

He has already paid for it, he’s paying nearly £9,000 pounds a year for this sort of thing. You want him to pay again, for some bizarre reason.