Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

I'd do it a couple of times.

Then she'll either get fed up of it and want to stop going. Or she'll be keen to keep going and you can make it clear to her that she has to go and come back in the taxi.

What have you got to lose? If she's overweight and inactive, you as the parent need to make changes to her lifestyle and up her activity levels - this seems like a fairly easy thing to start with. Otherwise, what's your plan?

I'm sorry op but you're being the shit parent here.

Could also actually watch the activity. The only thing I don't watch is brownies and guides. I watch (all 3 times a week) when they ride, when they swim and used to do so when they did dance, gymnastics, athletics when younger. It's nice to see progress.

Do you really spend £9k a year on their clothes and food?

When DS used to do football ( 2 x training evenings per week, Sunday morning matches in strange places Id never been to) i'd use the time to do the weekly shop - most supermarkets open late these days - or go for a walk or run. If I couldn't be bothered I'd sit in the car and mumsnet. It's just what you do as a parent. Or split lifts with other DPs so you only do in one in four or three.

I find this very sad too. My parents lifted and laid me at clubs and I do the same now as a parent. It’s all part of being a parent of you want happy and well socialised children. I always think the more interests they have the better, gives them focus, fun and more chance of staying away from trouble.

doesn't it depend on age of the other teenager? who may or may not be able to be left alone for several hours on a friday night.

The club MAY be one you can sit on nice warm chairs watching child (or netflix on tablet). or may be a cold muddy pitch where you'd have to sit in your car for the entire time, not seeing anything.

sending a 13 year old off in a taxi and HOPING the taxi collects her on time (late friday night?) seems a bit of a risk too.

If she is obese then it is a health matter and if the club would help I think you need to put her health before your downtime.

After school they’re just straight onto their Xbox, I’ve tried to encourage them to do stuff but you try telling a teenager to get out of the house when they don’t want to!

But your teenager is now wanting to get out of the house to join a sports club .....

That pays for their clothes and food. Am I expected to cover their after school clubs and taxis as well?

I'm sorry but yes, or at least towards it.
I receive no CM from my ex, I work 3 jobs and the house can be a bit of a tip sometimes. Can't remember the last time I sat down before 10pm on a night but the kids get to their clubs, out for adequate exercise and screen time is monitored and switched off if I think it's becoming too much. Happy to remove a plug/ set said device on fire if they argue.

If the £9k a year you get from him covers their clothes and food then what are you actually paying for in terms of your children?

Well my 12 year old is fine while I take younger dd to an activity. 'Several' hours is hyperbole. For older DC's activities younger has to come. We might go to a cafe near by, take uno for the car, walk the dog or go to park of weather is nice.

Absolutely this, as her parent you should be encouraging some form of activity to get a bit fitter and healthier. I get it's your "downtime", take a book, a tablet, whatever, and do what thousands of other parents do to facilitate clubs, it's part of parenting I'm afraid.

Honestly @DragonBoots , even I think you're being a bit unfair now. Ex is trying to meet you half way as it were. Why don't you look into how much the club costs. Surely it will be less than you currently put into savings, so you could still afford to save something each month. Check if its payg, or paying for a term up front. And check the cancellation policy.
How do her friends get there? Maybe you could lift share and ask ex to pay half the fees instead of taxi fare.

My DC have only done a few clubs between them, they've never been interested. For a few years DS1 did dance class. It used to take about 20 mins on the bus, which got us there too early for his lesson but the next bus was too late. DS2 and I used to take a pack of cards/travel game and a book each to amuse ourselves. (Admittedly only possible because it was indoors).
Then DS2 decided he wanted to do the lessons too. DS1 moved up to a later class, so we had the same start time but finished much later. (They had a street dance class between the tap classes, thankfully about half a term in the teacher noticed and rearrange the time table so our classes were one after the other. Honestly. It was exhausting. Class started too early to eat dinner before, but by the time we got home it was late to start cooking. The slow cooker got used a lot! And we had more dinners from the chip shop than we "should" have.
But for those 2/3 years the dc loved it. Ds1 is thinking about looking for an adult class he can join when he gets a job.

He's offered to pay for the taxi and the club you just hand the choice over to DD she uses the taxi or she can't do it. Her choice rather than you dictating.

Why is this thread entitled Who Should Pay? When it frankly doesn't matter as you CBA either way?

If you're so determined 'it's not happening' then why did you bother posting on here? I'm done with this.

Just give them a lift yourself. They don't need a taxi

You can’t drop your overweight child to a sports club they’re keen to try, because you want some down time? Okkkk

If you have the attitude “she always quits” though, that will be what she believes herself, and become a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to change the narrative. I’d personally be telling her how great it is that she wants to try something new, and doing everything I could to support that. And honestly, I think the ex part is kind of irrelevant now.

That's very substantial maintenance. Fair enough if he was paying £100 a month but you are getting a lot.

I agree with this - let her try it surely. Especially if her friends go. You need to help her lose weight - a child should never be overweight and sorry as the RP who has the children so much of the time that is down to you

OP, I feel sad for your child reading this thread. Regardless of the fact she is overweight you should be encouraging and supporting a healthy lifestyle. I do wonder if she gives up easily because she senses your disinterest. I had parents like you that didn't want to take me to sports / clubs because it dug into their time. I have never forgotten or forgiven this. As a parent now myself I spend 3-4 hours a week transporting / watching games and practices. I also work full time. I am now very low contact with my parents. When you say your daughter understands and accepts your position, she really doesn't, what she's hearing is 'you're not a priority in my life' and I hope for your sakes in the future when you are older and need help your DD won't be like me and say sorry I simply don't have time to help you.

Wow! I'm living on the breadline, get no financial support or help from child's dad, my child has additional needs, I run a house AND I work full time! I live in an exhausted state and am always run ragged yet I will always find the time to help and encourage my child to find/do something they enjoy. I actually get no downtime. It makes me sad sometimes but it's just the way it is. My downtime or household chores will never come before my child. I'm shocked OP. You are coming across very selfish.

I actually feel sorry for your DD and her Dad. You need to realise how lucky you are getting that sort of maintenance. He is even willing to compromise but your needs are taking priority. When I used to get maintenance it was around £100 a month. I often questioned the CMS how that was meant cover all my child's expenses. They simply told me maintenance is to cover all aspects of a child, not just food and clothes.

You need to start appreciating it while you have it as what will you do when he no longer has to legally pay you maintenance. It's a big chunk to lose! I'd be amazed if that is all going on your kids. You mentioned mortgage, child maintenance shouldn't be covering your mortgage (in my opinion). I wouldnt dream of taking those bills out of maintenance

so we wouldn't be getting home until 9:30 on a Friday, and I'd have to sit there twiddling my thumbs while she's there
One of my favourite things when my kids were playing sports was the alone time to read, snack and just relax with NO distractions. Bliss.
And the 9.30? What a joke.

It's not happening - I've made that perfectly clear to her
I'm sure you have. No wonder she is overweight and unmotivated. Why even try with a mother that puts her own needs way above.
First time I've wondered if a child/ren would be better off living with their other parent.

No.idea why you.botheted posting.

Maybe it would be more beneficial than your Dd whonis overweight sitting at home doing nothing..

My ds got a job at I might start work.at 8.30 and have to wait till 10pm to pick him up.. not my dream but he is my Ds we put ourselves out for our kids. As a teen she won't be home for that many more years so would benefit from a club more than a bigger house.

I am a Lp .. so no break at all. You are not prepared to look into club. Is it something very expensive ? Because i can't think of anything that sounds completely out of my price range. How long is club? I would ask if you could come home do shopping? But pointless as your not going to do it

This thread is an absolute car crash. Op has no intention of getting off their arse to do anything for their child, feel so so sorry for the kid.