Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

Completely agree. On top of which OP will be claiming child benefit....unless she's on more than £50k a year of course.....

I'm afraid I see your ex's point here. Activities and hobbies are good for kids. He's not talking about them doing it 7 days a week. But 1-2 a week is a positive thing and I'm kind of shocked as a parent you wouldn't prioritise this. In addition that's a very good maintenance that should more than cover this. The bigger question to me is why you sound like you resent this? Is it b/c everything is an argument with ex so it is about who is right vs. the children's best interest? Some people can fall into this outlook and it rarely ends up well for the dc. I've seen it with my dc's friends.

I am a single parent who works full time and have more dc than you. It's not a contest but everyone is supported to have something they thrive at that keeps them interested in more than just school & screens. It's good for them and I love seeing them find their special thing. Does it mean less time for me? Sure. But @DragonBoots you have every other weekend without any childcare responsibilities? That's more than the vast majority of parents.

Why don't you commit to 1-2 activities each and a weekly family activity. Sounds like a good way for you to connect with your dc too.

How can you say that?
You don’t know the circumstances - his income, what the maintenance covers (could include school fees or living in a particular area for the kids schools etc)
it’s not up to anyone else to say he is already paying more than he should when you don’t know the details of their situation.
i know £740 is a lot of money and a lot more than many many other lone parents get - I am one too, but you don’t know the circumstances and agreement enough to comment that she ‘receives enough CM to cover everything’, especially if the DF is that interested and involved with his kids.

i agree after school clubs and interests can be really good for kids, especially if all they would do otherwise is hide away and playing games, but at the same time, the parents should discuss the arrangements and funding between them to facilitate an interest rather than pushing it via a child.

Really the maintenance should cover everything on your time. But it's not up to him to decide what happens on your time, and especially not unilaterally.

If they are overweight get them into some clubs like yesterday. I agree you should use CM money.

My ds does two activities, karate and swimming. I bill ex every month, separately for half the cost of swimming lessons and half the cost of karate plus half of clothes, awards, grading and annual karate licence,

I treat them like school trips. Half each or it doesn't happen. But I do find time to take ds. His current grade of swimming means getting up at 6.45 on Saturdays (not a chance ex would get out of bed for that one 😀) which is a bit grim but hopefully not for long.

You clearly resent your ex 'allocating' your time and money and tbh I see your point on this. You sound busy and tired and it's not up to him what you spend your time and money on.

But...you have an overweight sedentary female teenager (well, two overweight teenagers by the sound of it) who actually wants to join a sports club with her friends. This could be the chance which she takes to turn her health around and get her to take charge of and prioritise her fitness (it could also be a waste of money if she stops going, as you predict). But it could be important in setting her up for a healthier and more active adolescense and adulthood. It would be fine if you were an active family, out walking and swimming during the week and every weekend, so she was getting exercise that way, but (forgive me if I'm wrong) it doesn't sound from your post like that is the case. Separately of your resentment with your ex (which actually I understand and sympathise with - it must be infuriating to be dictated to and your time allocated and viewed as being of no value by him), I think your DD should be given this chance.

I would try to come up with a compromise with your ex - you will fund one activity per week (and associated transport) for each child if he funds a second activity (and either takes them or pays for transport) for each of them. Yes, £740 per month is a decent chunk of money, but none of us know your financial situation or housing costs, and your ex must be earning a significant amount to have to pay that - if he assumes you can afford clubs/transport, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to assume that he can also afford to contribute if he's so keen on them for the DC.

On the one hand you say she's on x-box all evening, is overweight and doesn't want to do anything, and on the other there's a sports/social club she's dead keen to go to and you're putting obstacles in the way.
She might go and hate it and revert to being a lazy sloth or it might turn her into a happy social butterfly with improved fitness levels.
Is the bottom line that you don't like her dad telling you what to do? Do you see it as controlling behaviour?
Please find the time and money to at least give it a try.

With a payment of £740 a month I can see his point tbh. I know it's no race to the bottom but I get £100 pm for 2 dc (when he bothers to pay that) work a minimum wage job plus a second job when dc are at their dads and spend every evening of the week plus all the weekends they are with me driving them to their hobbies. I fund swimming, brownies, guides and their share ponies which are a huge expense in both money, time and effort but what they get out of it is worth the extra hours working and zero down time. Personally if my dc did nothing, had no interests outside of screen and were overweight I'd walk over hot coals to get them out doing something. If she's keen then I'd run with that. Yea maybe dad could pay but he won't. That's not your DD's fault.

9,000 a year maintenance spent on food and clothes for teenagers?

No wonder they are overweight 😮That's an exorbitant amount to spend on food.

I agree with your ex.

I’m not sure why you are prioritising housework/ downtime over your child’s wider interests. Seems selfish to me.

The money he pays doesn't cover it.
£370 for 26 days 24/7 care is £14 a day! As you are covering an extra eleven days childcare for him every month (he does four days a month despite being responsible for 15) he's massively shortchanging you. Overnight childcare would be very expensive for him, you're doing eleven of his days for free.
That's without all the food, petrol etc etc. So no, the money doesn't cover it.
If he was that bothered he'd do 50/50, save his measly £370 and sort and pay for it himself.

I think it's a shame, if your child has shown interest in joining a club, not to do everything you can to take her. Especially if she is overweight and it would potentially help physically as well.

I would definitely prioritise taking her to the club over household chores and down time. That way you don't need to find money for a taxi too.

i thought maintenance was a contribution towards the cost of care and that both parents fund the cost of dc between them . he's doing his bit - why do you see it as his responsibility to pay for this on top? what do you contribute? if she wants to do the activity it's your job to facilitate it and give her the opportunity to acquire a new hobby and help her not be obese . parents up and down the country make all sorts of efforts to allow dc to participate in sport and hobbies - else they can't do it . you should do the same for your dc

Oh please, stop wanging on about how much child maintenance is paid.

This is a man who sees his kids EOW, is blaming their mother for weight issues, but does the absolute bare minimum parenting himself. Unbelievable.

One of my DC was invited to join the advanced gymnastics squad, who train 4 times a week for 3 hours, and my ex expected me to pay for all of it (£75 a week rather than £10 a week) and do all the running around.

I was a student at the time (skint), didn’t drive and had 2 other DC who would have had to be dragged around with us. He is self employed so shafts me with child support, does drive and would neither take DC to the activity nor look after our other 2 DC.

Of course I was the wrong ‘un and a terrible, selfish mother - from the man who has them 1 night a month and pays child support as if he earning NMW when he 100% does not.

If he was so concerned, he would fund it or do the driving himself. But no. His Big Important Job comes first.

How old is DD? Is taxi really the only option? Can she share lifts with a friend or get the bus?

This is a man who sees his kids EOW, is blaming their mother for weight issues, but does the absolute bare minimum parenting himself. Unbelievable.

Maybe he should pay and/or facilitate the activity but he's not going to. So that leaves either mum to do so (highly likely to be able to afford it on a full time wage plus that level of maintenance but I guess we can't know for sure), or teenage, overweight dd to contribute to do nothing. I know which I pick!

If he was so concerned, he would fund it or do the driving himself. But no. His Big Important Job comes first.

I agree. Maybe it's unreasonable of the OP not to take the DC to activities, but it's equally unreasonable of him - he clearly earns a fair amount and only sees them EOW so it's not exactly like he's putting himself out for his kids either.

Maybe he should pay and/or facilitate the activity but he's not going to. So that leaves either mum to do so (highly likely to be able to afford it on a full time wage plus that level of maintenance but I guess we can't know for sure), or teenage, overweight dd to contribute to do nothing. I know which I pick!

Yes, that's the kicker. Unfortunately if one parent is unwilling to prioritise the children, it falls to the other parent to make up for their shortcomings. Or the children miss out.

You need to stop prioritising yourself anf housework and need to support your child to start exercising. A lot of sport is very cheap at low levels so who is paying seems a bit of a red herring and the bigger issue is you not making it a priority

OP indicated there is a distance issue that prevents more regular contact so it's unlikely it's going to be feasible for him to do the driving for this.

he's doing his bit - why do you see it as his responsibility to pay for this on top?

With EOW and no help during the week, he's not doing his bit except financially.

Presumably a taxi would cost as much if not more than the price of the activity. If he gave the DD lifts and the OP paid the activity cost, that would be 'doing his bit'.

I would say you should be able to budget the club in your maintenance and if dd is overweight then yes you should encouraging it. If your worried about your kids weights ban unhealthy food in the house and use the spare money for the club.

If it really is a major issue though ask him to split it.

@liveforsummer Working full time doesn’t guarantee a decent wage 🙄We don’t know how much OP earns or what her outgoings already are. Or what her job is - full time in an office, not as tiring as, say, full time nurse.

If lots of their friends go too, could you arrange to share lifts with them to save some money?