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Original poster

Activities - who should pay?

228 replies

DragonBoots · 20/05/2022 15:07

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 22/05/2022 11:52

I think you are being so unreasonable. He can't drive them because you moved away, not him.

You have children who are overweight and want to do an activitiy. That has many benefits including social, physical, and health benefits.

You're saying you're too busy, why? Just drive them!

ChocolateHippo · 22/05/2022 11:53

He threatened to enroll her in the club, pay for it himself and deduct the cost from the CM he pays me. He says he'll arrange the taxi and all I have to do is get DD ready and tell her get in the taxi on Friday. I won't be doing that - if a taxi turns up on Friday night, he'll be paying for a wasted journey.

What do you want at this point? Do you want your DD to be able to do this club or do you want her just to forget about it?

Tbh, I've been on your side so far because I don't think your ex gets to dictate to you what you do with your time and money (and taxis are expensive!!!). But here is a club which your DD says she wants to do and which would be good for her. And your ex is offering to pay for transport so you don't have to run about after your DD. And, unless it's a very expensive club, presumably the cost of the taxis is going to be more than the cost of the club itself - so it's a reasonable offer from your ex.

So I guess I have a few questions. How much per week is the club that it's completely beyond your budget? Are you worried that you'll have to pay for the term and then DD will stop going after one or two sessions? And why can't your DD just get in a taxi if she wants to do it? It's hardly a big deal.

wishitwasaduvetday · 22/05/2022 11:56

DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 10:49

DD asked AGAIN about the club today, I think she's been chatting with her mates who went on Friday so she's got an attack of the FOMO

So I gave in and called the Ex to talk about it. He offered to pay for the taxi if I would pay for the activity. I said no - DD doesn't want to get in a taxi, and I'm too busy to drive her on a Friday night. And he can't expect me to cover the cost of the club within my budget.

He threatened to enroll her in the club, pay for it himself and deduct the cost from the CM he pays me. He says he'll arrange the taxi and all I have to do is get DD ready and tell her get in the taxi on Friday. I won't be doing that - if a taxi turns up on Friday night, he'll be paying for a wasted journey.

Well you're now just being mean to your daughter. You ex has agreed to compromise. You moved away. You're just behaving like a selfish petulant child. Your poor daughter having to tell her friends that she can't go because her mum is a selfish person.

ChoiceMummy · 22/05/2022 12:16

DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 10:49

DD asked AGAIN about the club today, I think she's been chatting with her mates who went on Friday so she's got an attack of the FOMO

So I gave in and called the Ex to talk about it. He offered to pay for the taxi if I would pay for the activity. I said no - DD doesn't want to get in a taxi, and I'm too busy to drive her on a Friday night. And he can't expect me to cover the cost of the club within my budget.

He threatened to enroll her in the club, pay for it himself and deduct the cost from the CM he pays me. He says he'll arrange the taxi and all I have to do is get DD ready and tell her get in the taxi on Friday. I won't be doing that - if a taxi turns up on Friday night, he'll be paying for a wasted journey.

So he's effectively found a solution to your issues.

You've made sure that dd won't accept a taxi and you still cba to get her there for one evening!

Omg!

Tbh, given the level of maintenance he's paying, I'd assume this isn't via the cms, so he's most likely overpaying as you sound op like the sort that would make sure she had every penny after she relocated for her needs! I don't blame him enrolling her and deducting tbh.

Shane on you for not even attempting to facilitate. Even when you have to do nothing except get her in a taxi you won't do it.

Billandben444 · 22/05/2022 12:23

This must be a reverse surely!! I'd be too embarrassed to have posted that last comment as it shows what an awkward, selfish PITA I am!

milkysmum · 22/05/2022 12:40

Come on, confess OP- this is either completely made up or a reverse!?
I just can't believe you would be denying your daughter access to activities like this. You get a very healthy amount of maintenance ( more than lots of us on here I'm sure) - you should absolutely be paying for the activity / taxi out of this money!

rookiemere · 22/05/2022 12:45

What are you doing on Friday night that you can't drive DD there ?

Nimo12 · 22/05/2022 13:02

You're being so unreasonable and I'll not sure what more you want from him. Why don't you want her to go? Just because your ex suggested it?

Original poster
DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 13:54

My friday nights are my downtime - I'm exhausted after a week of work, plus housework, cooking dinner etc - I rarely sit down before 8pm. So driving her there is simply not an option I'm afraid. She understands this, and has been really mature about it.

I think she'll give up after a few sessions, because that's her pattern - she's tried lots of things in the past and given up. I've told her her father wants her to go in a taxi and she says she's nervous about going alone. I support her in that because she's only 13 and if she's not keen I won't force her to do something she's afraid of!

Sorry - I've explained to her that she'll have to find something closer to home if she wants to join a club

OP posts:
Chilledchablis1 · 22/05/2022 14:00

Can you not make Saturday nights your downtime ?
Also , is there no public transport your DD can use ? Or a friend to travel with ?

rookiemere · 22/05/2022 14:08

Could she take on some of the household chores in return for getting the lifts from you ?

I suspect you'll get enough of a pile on soon so I'll keep this as brief and factual as possible, but if a tubby 13 year old wants to join a sports club with her pals then I'd do everything I could to facilitate that.

Macaroni1924 · 22/05/2022 14:12

Firstly the money you get is plenty to cover food, clothes, a small amount to bills and at least one club per child. Perhaps you need to assess your outgoings and see what is a luxury eg Netflix or tv packages.

Secondly, as a parent who works full time myself I understand how exhausting it can be to keep a house running and look after children but I would never prioritise my down time or housework over my child. When we goes to bed that’s when most of the stuff gets done and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. You have admitted your dd is overweight and really wants to go so I would be doing all I could to support this.

In addition you mention that she quits after a few weeks. This is something you have allowed to happen, more than likely because you couldn’t be bothered to take her anyway. If she chooses to commit to a club then she must understand that she has to attend at least for a set period. Learning to be a quitter this young is not going to do her any good in the long run. So will she quit her college course or any job she takes as an adult?! I’d be wiping this out right now.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 22/05/2022 14:15

rookiemere · 22/05/2022 14:08

Could she take on some of the household chores in return for getting the lifts from you ?

I suspect you'll get enough of a pile on soon so I'll keep this as brief and factual as possible, but if a tubby 13 year old wants to join a sports club with her pals then I'd do everything I could to facilitate that.

As would any good mother or father.

Original poster
DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 14:29

Macaroni1924 · 22/05/2022 14:12

Firstly the money you get is plenty to cover food, clothes, a small amount to bills and at least one club per child. Perhaps you need to assess your outgoings and see what is a luxury eg Netflix or tv packages.

Secondly, as a parent who works full time myself I understand how exhausting it can be to keep a house running and look after children but I would never prioritise my down time or housework over my child. When we goes to bed that’s when most of the stuff gets done and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. You have admitted your dd is overweight and really wants to go so I would be doing all I could to support this.

In addition you mention that she quits after a few weeks. This is something you have allowed to happen, more than likely because you couldn’t be bothered to take her anyway. If she chooses to commit to a club then she must understand that she has to attend at least for a set period. Learning to be a quitter this young is not going to do her any good in the long run. So will she quit her college course or any job she takes as an adult?! I’d be wiping this out right now.

Have you ever tried getting a stubborn 13 year old into a car to go to a club that she doesn't want to go to?

She has quit lots of clubs in the past, her interest is there for the first few tries then she finds something she doesn't like about it and sets herself against it. I can't force her once she's changed her mind.

OP posts:
Macaroni1924 · 22/05/2022 14:35

This is a learned behaviour you have facilitated since she was younger. I would be telling her that if she didn’t go there would be no Xbox for the week as that seems to be her main interest. I’d be putting said Xbox in the boot of my car and taking it to work each day.

Idontevenknow · 22/05/2022 14:36

So honestly, if you're so sure she'll quit, why not just do it for a couple of weeks? How long actually is the drive?

wishitwasaduvetday · 22/05/2022 14:36

"Have you ever tried getting a stubborn 13 year old into a car to go to a club that she doesn't want to go to?*"
*
OP you're making it up as you go along now. Your daughter wanted to go, she even asked you again prompting your further conversation with ex where he agreed to enroll her and sort taxi.

At least refresh yourself on your previous posts before re writing it to fit your agenda.

CJsGoldfish · 22/05/2022 14:38

My DCs understand the sacrifices I make for them
I'm sure you never let them forget it 🙄

Original poster
DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 14:46

wishitwasaduvetday · 22/05/2022 14:36

"Have you ever tried getting a stubborn 13 year old into a car to go to a club that she doesn't want to go to?*"
*
OP you're making it up as you go along now. Your daughter wanted to go, she even asked you again prompting your further conversation with ex where he agreed to enroll her and sort taxi.

At least refresh yourself on your previous posts before re writing it to fit your agenda.

Yes she's keen to go now, but based on previous experience she will give up in a few weeks, and I'll be left having to force her into a taxi that her father has arranged against her will. Then her father will blame me if i can't make her go.

OP posts:
Original poster
DragonBoots · 22/05/2022 14:47

Idontevenknow · 22/05/2022 14:36

So honestly, if you're so sure she'll quit, why not just do it for a couple of weeks? How long actually is the drive?

It's 20 mins each way - and the activity is until 9pm - so we wouldn't be getting home until 9:30 on a Friday, and I'd have to sit there twiddling my thumbs while she's there. It's not happening - I've made that perfectly clear to her.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 22/05/2022 14:48

Why does your downtime have to be a Friday night? Surely as a parent that adjusts around the schedule?

I'd put good money on there being a link between your daughter giving up activities and you not being arsed to take her.

liveforsummer · 22/05/2022 14:49

Rides to your daughter do what's she's told? Dd who is 13 shortly has been complaining a knot having to continue swimming for the last 2 years. She'd never actually refuse to go though. Have you discussed the fact she's quit the other things with her as part of the reason you aren't keen on this. Maybe you could come to a deal that she must at least stick it out til the end of a term

liveforsummer · 22/05/2022 14:51

It's 20 mins each way - and the activity is until 9pm - so we wouldn't be getting home until 9:30 on a Friday, and I'd have to sit there twiddling my thumbs while she's there.

You know that is just absolutely standard parenting? Pretty much every parent I knod including myself does this often several times a week.

burnoutbabe · 22/05/2022 14:52

so it is more a case that THIS activity is too far away and a rubbish time.

But maybe a closer one on say Saturday mornings would suit everyone more. Somewhere you could drop her off, maybe do food shopping/whatever chores, then collect.

(you do say her friends go, so could they not take her?)

Chilledchablis1 · 22/05/2022 14:54

You don’t have to twiddle your thumbs. You could read , sow, knit , catch up with friends by phone or WhatsApp or download a film to watch .
20 minutes each way is nothing .
But clearly you have made up your mind. Sad for your DD.

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