My 8 year old is asking about her dad!

[auntypurple]

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted here before, as I never noticed this section of mumsnet. Anyway my dd who is 8 has been asking about her dad, mostly saying why haven't I got a dad, everyone else has one. I left him for various reasons when she a few weeks old, never stopped him seeing her, but he didn't bother, never sent b'day cards or anything. I decided to write him a letter last night, telling him she is asking for him, looking on 192.com it looks like he is still living in our old place. Just wondering now if I have done the right thing. Have anyone been in the same situation and can offer some advice? I guess I just have to wait and see if he writes or emails me now. Thanks for reading. AP

I've not been in your situation but have been in your daughters.

I think it sounds like you've done everything right. My mum never said anything bad about my dad but did always talk openly about him. I was interested in him when I was about 8 so she got photos out and told me a bit about him. I'm pretty sure she would have encouraged contact if I wanted but I think I was more interested in who he was than actually wanting to see him.

When I was a teenager I had another spell of being interested - My mum told me a bit more including why they split up.

Finally when I was early 20's had another interested spell and rang him - that was enough contact and have never felt the need ever again. My mum is one of my best friends - I have loads of respect for her and I think that partly comes from her encouraging me to do what I wanted to with respect to my father even if she never wanted to hear about the man ever again!

Hope things go well for you and your dd

AP I think you have done the right thing trying to find him, given DD is asking about him. It must be nerve wracking though waiting to hear. I guess if he doesn't respond it will be hard for you. Heartbreaking for a mum to have to accept that he isn't bothered in pursuing a relationship with DD.

My 8 yr old would be able to understand a little bit about the background so maybe you could explain why you left your X and hence why her dad is not around.

It may be that DD thinks dad is not around because it is her fault so maybe it would help her to know that you took the decssion in her best interests to leave her dad.

Thanks for your replys, loler I have never even mentioned ex dh to my dd, as I never had anything good to say about him so said nothing at all. It's my dad who she has been asking about her dad. DD dosen't know I have written to him, as she would get upset should he not reply, or does and say he wants nothing to do with her. The reason for me writing really is so in a few years I can show her what I wrote, and what he does(if he bothers), so at least she knows that I have tried for her.
Lasvegas don't really want to tell her why I left him, as I don't want to say anything bad about him, that he can use against me in the future. If he does decide he wants contact, I am hoping we can be civil and act like adults for dd's sake. We were only 18 when we married, and had dd, so we are both almost 28 now. Maybe he has changed into a better man(here's hoping anyway), but I doubt thats the case. Will let you know if anything comes of my letter, as I expect I will be after more advice then. Thanks everyone