Kids just got back from a weekend with the Ex

[OldHag1]

One child has again come back extremely argumentative. What the hell? I was so excited to see them now I feel like sending this one back. I know he tells them horrible things about me sometimes true/mostly not. Reading every message I have sent him.

My dc has not long come home and doesn't want hugs or kisses and has yelled at me to leave them alone.

I'm not biting, however much I need a hug off them right now. They do need time to adjust and settle back in at home don't they. I've jsut left dc to watch TV and chill and am pottering about doing bits and bobs, I know dc will come to me in an hour or so.

It does suck though

Maybe that’s what I need to do. I sent her to her room telling her to come back when she can be civil and apologise which she has done. We have had a chat about whatever goes on on his weekends.

Just waiting on mine to come back and the transition is tough for them and me. Bath and settle down hopefully and quickly get back to their usual selves.

Don't give him any ammunition. If you don't send any unpleasant/abusive/unkind texts they can't be used against you.

I had to remind SH's ex of this when her DD read the bile she was sending her father.

You can only reap what you sow. Sow only good.

Also please remember your children have TWO homes.

Is your ex strict on bedtimes, amount of sweets they eat etc? Maybe they're just out of routine and tired?

I need to clarify..... he had asked for extra time for special occasions for example Easter & Christmas on both occasions he bought them home early as he had restaurants booked. My texts were asking him why and getting grief back from him. Moaning about the times the kids didn’t want to see him and blaming me and me pointing out that he has been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to spend extra time with them and saying about dads who are fighting to get extra time and not seeing their kids and he is cutting short their visits.

Laine - no, no set bed times they eat a lot of junk, don’t brush their teeth or their hair.

I think you have to try and accept. You cannot change him . Presumably you felt he would make a good father once?

It does get tiresome reading exes slag off the dead beat dads they were clearly happy to have several children with.

I’m not slagging him off and although he is crap I won’t go as far as to call him a deadbeat dad. He absolutely hates me and makes life as difficult as possible for me.

I will take onboard what people have said and give the kids time to readjust when they get home (they actually wanted to come home early, which they did by about an hour). I guess it’s still new and confusing for them. I might have been a bit full on as I had missed them but as stated I will let them lead the way when they get back home.

All is back to normal here.

My kids need to be left alone for an hour or two after being with their Dad/at school. No drama, they just need time to adjust.

My Ds doesn’t see his dad anymore the one thing I will say is I stopped debating trying to make him a good dad . Don’t really engage in conversation . It isn’t going to change him . Can I have extra time ? Yes/ no
His rant at you ignore .

Believe me it is liberating

My 4yo DS is very difficult and argumentative after he's been with his father for 24 hours. Also takes me 3 days to get him back to a suitable bedtime routine. I spend Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights constantly reminding him it's bedtime. The rest of the week he's fine ... until he goes to his father on a Friday. Fun!

Thanks J I think this is the way forward s

S - we don’t speak it’s all done by text. I don’t even look at him as he just glares and it’s intimidating. He’s only nice when he wants something then reverts back to type but I guess you all have experiences of this too.

grinandtonics - not sure what your beef is but you are obviously anti the EX.

Difference is all the abuse I get from my EX and his dearest DP, is saved where my DCS can never find it. That your SDC has seen it - speaks volumes about your DP allowing her to read it and how vindictive that is. What is between adults stays between adults - someone in your house ahs deliberately alowed her to see that.

OH and wander off tot he Stepparents forums - step kids def do not have 2 homes, they are tolerated as unwelcome inconveninet distuptive visitors - so not the lone parent does NOT have to remember they have 2 homes- because 90% of the time they do not.

It gets tiresome reading sanctimonious shite from new partners who believe the BS they are told and do nothing but criticise the RP for their parenting skills or lack of them, right to have any form of monies for the upkee of their children, their morals, work ethic etc etc

If you ahve nothing constructive to say then piss off. this is a really difficult phenomenon to deal with for kids and the RP. Mine just wanted to have some space then would eventually sit on the sofa for a snuggle under their blanket and always would say - it is so peaceful here. It was compared tot he shouting and fighting that was going on in their DFs home - it was not there -sleeping in the laundry room with the washing machine 2 in a bed was not a home.

Thanks TakeIt just to clarify he does give them access to his phone etc but the texts during a ‘heated discussion’ were actually read out to the kids. She was not allowed to see the texts in MY house..

Why are you telling me to go to the step parenting forum? Neither of us have new partners as far as I am aware. No step children involved.

To clarify for you and anyone else who may be confused.,, I was talking about my ex and our children.

OP - was not having a go at you it was grinantonics further down your thread.

Okey coke

Thanks again everyone for the advice given

My kids are 17 and I still get this - only now it can be " fuck off you c88t" I can't tell you how hurtful this is -

@grinandtonics yeah I thought I had 'chosen' a good father too - all those little things that I thought were part of a normal marriage under going stresses and strains of everyday life were massive indicators of how I would be treated once he decided he'd had enough - had either of us died it would have been easier on the kids.

I know now I have been subject to emotional and financial abuse - I am not going to keep this from my kids - sadly for them they have to see the ugly side to some people's character even though it is their DF.

I believe my own DM was subject to E&Fa except I saw her Mental health issues as weak and my DF who kept everything going _ well I idolised him- except since my DM died I have seen a different side too him. I married someone like my DF - I too thought he was a good father - but both myself and my DB have been through midlife hell - he doesn't want to know - he's getting on with his new life. He's old we are adults does his responsibility to us end - he could make changes that would make it easier for us but he doesn't - I don't know the answer to this - I am having to face this same dilemma now and I don't know the answer - at what age do you put yourself first over your kids - when they are 13 as my x did - at 17/18 as I am considering - at 50 as my DF or never - are we always meant to make sacrifices for our kids?

My only hope that I have gone through this, my kids have gone through this is that they get to see the difference between a controlling relationship and a healthy one - and that the generational link has been broken - I don't know the answer to this either yet but I'm hoping.

Most kids don't have Two homes - if the parents are amicable then yes they may be lucky but you don't read many situations like this on here. Keep going ladies - let your kids adjust and keep showing them the unconditional love you give them and they need

greenberet thank you for your honesty.

Some people change over time some people are really very good at hiding who they really are and some of us don’t want to see the bad traits or are too blinded by love to see them.

I hope you arn’t verbally abused by your child all the time - is it just when they come gome from their Dad’s? At 17 they really should know better but I suppose it has a lot to do with their own confusion about the transition from a teen to an adult.

I hope it gets easier for you.