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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Please don't judge me...

18 replies

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 00:11

So back in December I had 2 flings. 1 guy I know and am in touch with but the other the guy, truth be told I have no idea who he is, where he lives or anything. I was just very very drunk, got up in the morning and left, ashamed. I found out I was pregnant and just couldn't bring myself to have a termination so I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. By all means the first chap could be the father, great if he is. But what if its the chap I don't know, I can't even remember his name. Any advice?

OP posts:

ThereIsIron · 19/04/2018 00:27

DNA test

Original poster

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 00:31

ThereIsIron - thank you for the obvious answer, pretty sure that was a given that I'd be doing that.

OP posts:

Avasarala · 19/04/2018 00:32

Does guy 1 know anything? Does he know you are pregnant?

Really, the best and only fair option is to be honest from the get go. Tell him you're pregnant, tell him your nights together where over one cycle, so you're not sure who the father is. You would like to have a DNA test done, and then decide from there. Ask what he wants to do.

If he refuses a DNA test and wants to walk away, you can force a DNA test in order to get maintenance - it's just a pain in the ass. You can't force him to be involved, but if he is the dad, then at least he'd contribute financially.

If he isn't the dad, then you're on your own with it.

He might decide to be with you anyway and raise the kid, he might not. But you just need to be honest and face it.

Avasarala · 19/04/2018 00:36

You're not the only person to have had a one night stand and have no idea who they are. I had a few of those at uni and if I'd gotten pregnant, would have had no way to contact them - probably couldn't have found my way back to their flat to save my life!

It happens. You didnt take precautions, or get the morning after pill did you? Could make it less likely to be the Unknown guy?

If it was unprotected with both men, then you've just got to see this through with the guy you're in touch with and then deal with however it ends up. Also, get yourself an STI screen.

Everywhereilookaround · 19/04/2018 07:03

I'm quite sad that you fear being judged, it's quite normal to have sex, and so you got drunk and had a nice time, and noone was hurt, nowt wrong with that.
Now there's a baby to be involved tho, I would say contact possible dad number 1, be honest and say you don't know if it's his, (I would start with this so no misunderstanding) and give him some time to get his head around it. Don't expect him to be able to decide straight away or judge him for his initial reaction, because you will have had more time to think it through, and it's a shock isn't it.
Have you thought about how you feel with this man being involved if it's his? If it's not his? Or not wanting to be involved either way?

Definitely go get sti check, be honest so they can give you right tests for yours and baby's health.
If it's not the guy you know, I'm not sure what you can do.
Can you remember anything about the night? (So not judging....been there myself!) Just any little detail may help you trace him, or help your child when they are older and ask questions.
First tho, given you don't know which one, I'd start with the guy you know and work from there.
Best of luck xx ps lots of beautiful children grow up without knowing their dads, don't beat yourself up if you try everything and can't trace him. Remember he's 50% willing partner in having one night stand without protection. It's not all on your shoulders!. Just be the best,happiest and most loving mum you can be. X

Original poster

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 07:36

Thanks guys :).

I have had a STI check. The first guy does know, he's known for a couple of months but I had originally thought he was the father as the scan date takes me back to a week before the unknown guy. I remember snippets and somehow ended up with his phone! So I've hired a private investigator to help me find him, I traced the phone number from his SIM card but its now out if use.

I only actually realised it could be either of them yesterday when I asked about conception at my scan. So embarrassed as I've told the guy I do know that he's the father!

Going it alone isn't what bothers me as I had thought I would be from the start, my biggest worry is how to explain this to that little girl if I don't even know her father's name (should it be unknown chap).

OP posts:

Bobby1233 · 19/04/2018 07:56

You've got to be honest with the guy you know, quickly, before this all gets worse. Theres nothing to be ashamed of, he is clearly no saint either. Seriously, just tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do about it.

Original poster

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 08:12

He wants a paternity test regardless, which as we hardly know each other I can't blame him. So he knows I slept with someone else. He's of the mindset 'if it's his' which is fair enough as now I'm aware she might not be..

My scan dates date me back to the end of November I had slept with the unknown guy 7th December? And the other one a around the time of my scan date so is there a 'more likely' scenario?

OP posts:

loopylass13 · 19/04/2018 08:45

Maybe tell potential dad what you told us, that you only just realised there could be an overlap and that you only just found this out. You dont need to tell him it was a one night stand. I got pregnant from a very brief fling, am in no way judging you and because these situations happen more often these days i find there is less judgement as a whole. Try not to worry what others think x

Bobby1233 · 19/04/2018 09:07

DNA tests cant be done until after birth right? if so, no point in worrying, be honest with the guy and ask him if he would mind supporting you until you both know. [he should really be offering support, he's equally responsible for the situation anyway]

PrettyLittIeThing · 19/04/2018 12:42

That's not really the way it works out. I was 2 weeks further ahead in my pregnancy than the date I slept with my ex and I only slept with him (no one else and one time) Its to do with ovulation and apparently your two weeks ahead pregnancy wise from the date you slept with the person. I don't think he should be offering support actually. Not whilst he doesn't know if he is the father. Imagine getting all involved during the pregnancy only to find out it's not your baby!

Everywhereilookaround · 19/04/2018 19:01

Agreed wait till your beautiful baby is born, given he knows there's a chance it's not his there's nothing else you can do. After birthday DNA and just take it from there.
Well done on the honesty, it's not easy, sure you and baby will be fine whatever the outcome x

Original poster

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 23:27

The one I do know isn't involved in the pregnancy regardless and doesn't want the child anyway! I wanted advice on when the time comes how to tell a chil you don't even know their fathers name...

OP posts:

Original poster

louisag1992 · 19/04/2018 23:28

^should it end being Mr Stranger

OP posts:

Raven88 · 19/04/2018 23:32

Do you remember where Mr Stranger lives? Also no judgment from me no one is perfect.

Original poster

louisag1992 · 20/04/2018 07:48

It was a hotel...

OP posts:

TuTru · 20/04/2018 08:02

If you end up with a baby who you don’t know the father’s name you will just have to be honest but age appropriate with your daughter. Until she is old enough to take on board the actual reason you will just have to say you’ve forgotten who he is.
I don’t think it will be too major an issue in the future as long as she knows you’re honest with her & love her. She will not be the only child to have an unknown father xx
Some children would be way better off if they didn’t have the fathers they have.
Try not to worry too much, you decided to keep the baby and you should enjoy being a mum. Forget Mr NoName xx

Avasarala · 20/04/2018 16:10

You will have years and years before you need to tell her the details.

There are lots of single parents. I'm one of them and the kids havnt seen their dad for about 4 years (they are 6 and 5). So, we've had the questions about why they don't have a dad etc and i just answer with "families are all different, some people have one dad, some have one mum, some two mum's or 2 dad's and some have one of each. We are a family with one mum, you're daddy hasn't been here for a long time".

I will give them more detail when they are older. You will have time to get to know your child, and she'll be older before you need to say anything specific. By then, you might even have a partner or husband who is helping you raise her and could make it easier. And if you don't, then she won't know she's missing anything and she will be happy to have you.

I know it's hard, but don't worry about something that won't come up for years. You have plenty of time to figure it out.

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