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Original poster

ExH gone abroad and hasnt told me

15 replies

Planter22 · 07/10/2016 21:52

My husband and I have recently separated we have one DC together. I've found out today from a mutual friend he's gone abroad on holiday and hasn't told me.

I feel really disrecpted as a co-parent that he didn't do me the courtsey of letting me know he's leaving the country. I'm not upset he's gone away, I'm just saddened at the realisation he doesn't consider our DC when he's not having contact. My main concern is, what if something happened to me while DC was at school and they contacted Dad to arrange an emergency collection and he wasn't in the bloody country! I don't have any other emegerncy contacts listed as we don't live near my family.

He doesn't know I know he's away, and I'm not sure how to play it. I want him to know I know and that I don't think it's acceptable way to behave.

What's your advice - should I play it cool, or give him both barrels?

OP posts:
Racmactac · 07/10/2016 22:18

Forget it, you are separated it's absolutely none of your business unless he just failed to turn up to collect child.

JenLindleyShitMom · 07/10/2016 22:22

Ok, you've recently separated. You're both getting used to the new situation, it'll take time to iron out the etiquette you both expect from each other. He's likely just taken himself off as a destresser after the break up. I say let it go this time. When he is back and you're having a discussion about contact for DC then you can calmly say that you should both keep each other informed about changes to routine for things like holidays and emergency contacts etc.

Original poster
Planter22 · 08/10/2016 06:50

Thanks for your replies.

I've calmed down a bit, I just can't imagine leaving my DC with Dad and leaving the country without telling him. I don't understand what there is to gain in keeping it a secret? I'm not interested in what's he's doing, who he is with, I just need to know he isn't someone I can call on in an emergency for the next week.

All its done to our relationship is damage the trust I had in him as a co-parent. And as a result rather than being the first person I'd turn to, he'll be on the list of people to be informed after the event. (Im talking only about situations relating to our DC, I understand he is no longer my husband and his responsibility to me has gone).

OP posts:
Emeralda · 08/10/2016 07:30

I assumed from the title that he'd taken the DC abroad without your permission, rather than just going himself. The emotional process of separation is hard. Sounds like you have different expectations of co-parenting. It also sounds like you need to lower your expectations of him and build up your support network. Try not to take that personally on your behalf or the DCs.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/10/2016 07:44

My ExH does this as a result he is no longer listed as an emergency contact as there is just no point. I find it is easier to not even consider relying on him and am fortunate to have wonderful friends and supportive parents ( who have driven 200 miles once).

mangocoveredlamb · 08/10/2016 07:47

I think just calmly say next time you see him, so and so mentioned you had gone on holiday, I was a bit surprised you didn't mention it because I would have changed the emergency contact at school for the week.
He probably didn't think of anything other than going!

instantly · 08/10/2016 08:03

It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Was he due to see the kids during that time? Did he cancel?

As for "how you handle it", you stop playing games and grow up. Seriously.

AyeAmarok · 08/10/2016 08:15

I disagree that it's nothing to do with you. He doesn't need to tell you where he's going or who with but letting you know he's out of the country and therefore unavailable should DCs need him would be the right thing to do. It just smacks of the children being your responsibility and he isn't responsible for them other than "his days". Sounds like you want a good co-parenting relationship.

I'd send a message.

"Dear X,

Understand you are/were abroad this week. Can you please let me know if you are not going to be available for the DC as I need to arrange alternative emergency cover for them in case something happens to me (unwell/traffic jams etc). I'll do the same for you if I won't be available. I just worry they'll be left stranded one day.

Thanks."

neonrainbow · 08/10/2016 08:19

Is absolutely nothing to do with you. You'd better get the idea out of your head that you've got any right to know what he is doing.

Lessthanaballpark · 08/10/2016 08:24

Personally I would leave it. There's unlikely to be an emergency and you can always give 2 numbers.

Does he have more free time than you (ie non contact time)? Because if so is it possible that you are jealous of his freedom? Which is of course perfectly understandable but one of those things you have to get over unless you're happy to change the contact arrangements.

Original poster
Planter22 · 08/10/2016 08:34

His actions shout that our DC isn't his responsibility when it's not his contact.

I wanted us to be a co-parenting team and treat each other with respect. So far we've had a friendly relationship and the splict has been amicable.

I think next time I see him, I'll let him know that it would be useful if he could let me know when he's out of the country (doesn't need to provide any information apart from dates) so I can make alternative emergency arrangements.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 08/10/2016 09:23

I don't understand what there is to gain in keeping it a secret

He probably wanted to do this for himself as something that was completely separate from you. Selfish yes in terms of emergency contacts etc, but in the aftermath of a breakup people do tend to be a bit selfish. Sometimes out of spite, sometimes just out of realising that they can do things without 'permission', sometimes they just need that mental separation to get through the break up. People process things differently. It's sounds like quite a recent break up?

Fourormore · 08/10/2016 13:15

It really isn't your business.

I went through this too and was furious that he want contactable, until someone pointed out all of the other times he might not be contactable - on a tube, out in the countryside, in a signal black spot, asleep, ill, flat battery, left his phone at home...

The chances of there being an emergency are slim. The chances of there being an emergency and neither of you being contactable are slimmer still. And being abroad doesn't mean he's uncontactable.

If you want to ask him to agree to let eachother know if you're going abroad then the very first thing you'll need to do is drop any notion that he's done something wrong here.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2016 13:19

I think he's not told you because of the financial situation - even if it's amicable at the moment, the fact is he has enough to go on holiday abroad. I think that's something he'd rather not share with you.

And I imagine he's gone with another woman - he may well want to keep that quiet, too.

swingofthings · 08/10/2016 13:23

His actions shout that our DC isn't his responsibility when it's not his contact.
It really doesn't, it is how you interpret it through your own feelings. Being a non resident parent is ultimately different to being a resident parent and yes, one of these difference is that you feel less responsible for the child when they are not with you.

It is perfectly reasonable to ask your ex who you could contact if there was an emergency and he wasn't available, but this discussion doesn't have to be in the context of the holiday and would be best avoided being so because it does frankly come across that your issue is with the fact that he enjoyed a single holiday (or with a lady).

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