Having number 2 on your own - would you?

[EquinoxBloom]

I don't think that in reality I've got the time, patience and energy for two on my own. I'm an awesome LP but one is hard, two I'd be on my knees....

And yet.... I never only wanted one. He'd make a fantastic older sibling. I'm crap with babies but good at 2 plus and when they were 8 and 5 I think it'd be brilliant.

But I expect the first two years would be hideous. I have no family or anyone to help.

But after that it would be worth it and really good for years and years - loads of payoff for a horrible two years.

I go round and round. Would you do it?

My friend, with a history of twins in her family, got pregnant in a relationship which was fairly casual and he knew she wasn't using contraception, and she knew he was a decent guy and she'd have his babies! She had his twins. he's never had anything to do with them and she is great with them- they're 4 now. She is also in a relationship now.

If you've never seen one in your plan, I think I'd do it. You never know who you'll meet, but obviously there's a finite window to have another child and provide your current dc with a sibling. Dunno. I know it's not as straightforward as that with finances, lack of support, maybe more difficult with money /babysitters etc to meet someone else once you've two dc. But my on the spot answer was yes, do it

I am SO sorry but your thread title really made me laugh!

Haha WellErr, I hadn't spotted that!

Oh Dreaming you've thrown me into a quandary now...

My main concern is becoming a crap mummy to the one I've got because I'm on my knees with number two. I'm not the patientest to begin with, but we have a great bond and he's brilliant. I've been lucky he's so easy. What if number two fucks it all up. It feels like a delicate bloody balance as it is....

But I know in ten years, when it would all have been behind me, I'll regret it and forget that most of the early days would have been bloody awful

Finances are ok, as long as I can find a way to keep working. Support less so. There's nobody. And I hated the baby days with number one, although being in an abusive marriage didn't help

I should have said, my friend was 37 and knew it was now or never for children and chose now. Obviously she couldn't choose twins, but she says she's so glad there's two.

The baby days are long and hard. She did have family support from her parents. I take it you'd have noone?

It's a fair point though,it would definitely affect your relationship with your ds because there's one of you and two of them, lack of sleep, those relentless demands of babies... I'd say four tough ish years before it got much easier. (I've 3 dc, I had twins when my DD was nearly 19 months old- that's how I met this other twin mum. My dts were also -are also - less laid back and harder work than my DD, but things are improving a bit now they're 4)

My family aren't in the uk and I don't have friends near enough who could help, or would want to.

I don't know if I can face four years. I'm enjoying DS getting older so much (he's 3.5), even if I was in a relationship is have to take a deep breath before number two, although having the support of a DH I would have done it.

I'm 40 next year. It's now or never.

Is it ludicrous to think about adopting an older child?

I wouldn't. I don't think it'd be fair to the child you have or the prospective new one.

My three year old woke at 4am. I'm wondering how I'd have coped if I'd already done two night feeds and had to work today....

Tigger do you mean adopting wouldn't be fair or having another baby?

I would. I had dd on her own for 10 years, always wanting another one but never met anyone. I'd put it out my mind many times over the years and just accepted just having one. But then all these years down the line I've just adopted a little one now, it is harder with 2, but easier being a big age gap (dd is nearly 12 now). but I'm happy with my decision even though like you I have no family to help me. Good luck

Oh Candy how interesting! Thanks so much for posting.

What age was number two when you adopted? How did your DD react? Did you meet any resistance to the fact your were a single mother? How old were you when you adopted? Does your adopted clad have extra needs?

So many questions....!

Yes

My situation is slightly different in that I have been fostering as my job for the past few years and this little one has been with me since she was born and then I applied to adopted her.
I've not had any difficulty in being a single mother and adopting, though I know if you went down the traditional route to adopting they would explore you're support network and you have to nominate a guardian to look after your child in case anything happens to you. Adopted dc does have some slight developmental differences but this might be OK when they get older, it's just an unknown at the moment and the risk you take.
Having another birth child i would say is easier than adoption, however I consider myself lucky in that I don't have another useless father to deal with now! But equally I have no maintainence and no break. You just have to go with your heart and if you really want it go for it. I'm mid thirties now, but there is no upper age limit on adoption either

Sorry forgot to say dd loves adopted baby, but still has her wobbles every now and then as she was an only for so long. But all in all I think it's been good for her and the right decision

I have to say I would not. I have 2DCs and the pressure in you as a single parent is very hard. The rivalry for your attention, the two of the having crises at the same time, both needing homework help at the same time is very wearing. I know lots of us cope, and of course I love my 2 dearly, but it ain't an easy route, and I'm not sure if the DVs would choose it themselves as they seem to fight incessantly and always strive for more attention each.
And as a lone parent you also need to fit in work, house chores, garden chores etc etc, all of which are greater when there are more DCs.

In the cold light of day I'm back to wondering why on earth I would bugger up the lovely routine DS and I have now for going. He's off to his dad's today so I get two days off as I'm not working. I'm about to go for a run....

I must be mad.

I think it will always be like this. I suppose most parents of onlies live with "what if?" Whether LP or not....

Fuck it, life wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

What's your job now? Could you investigate fostering with a view to a) seeing what life is like with ds and a baby and maybe adopting a long term fostering placement.
I'm often on fostering posts giving the OP a hard time for not looking after their charge's emotional needs and you sound the polar opposite of many foster carers!

I have moments of wishing for a second. Always wanted two, have one DD (6), who would love a baby and asks me regularly to have another. But, like you, no family nearby, and DD spends an afternoon a fortnight with her Dad. If I had a baby that would stop, I suspect.

I would love to have had two, is what it boils down to I think. An actual baby now would be a real struggle financially and emotionally (patience wise, not love wise!) So I compensate by hosting lots of playdates, and then after they are packed off home DD and I can spend lovely cuddly quality time together 😊

Thanks Apocalypse that's a lovely thing to say!

My job isn't compatible with fostering I'm afraid. I work in a school and I live in (boarding) so I don't think school would be happy with kids coming in and out. My job does give me some similarities to fostering though, I'm responsible for the pastoral care of 50 teenagers... But of course it's different to having your own. I do see fostering as a full time job too and I can't give it that commitment as my other job is almost 24/7 (albeit "from home") as it is.

Ida another point that I think your post touches on is that I have been dependent on the goodwill of my family and friends for a lot (although from a distance) and if I had another I very much think there would be a feeling of "well you've done this to yourself" and the withdrawal of that support, or certainly a bit of condemnation. As it is my ex left me with a tiny baby so I've been "the victim" in their minds. If I knowingly put myself into a worse position I think my family would really take issue with it.

Meant having another baby, whether by the usual means or by adoption. Adopting an older one wouldn't be a possibility at this time as I'm pretty sure (could be wrong) the one you have would need to be a bit older.

I have definitely experienced that at the start, people always asking 'how will you manage', or saying things like 'I couldn't do it' (no one is asking you to!), or 'only you know what you can take on'.. Etc
But, I over the years as a lone parent I've learnt not to rely on anyone because I don't have very many people to start with, and if they don't support my decision then I don't need them anyway.
So I think you may have to go into it accepting that people may not be there for you, but I'm sure you can manage if it's what you really what to do. People accept the child once they are there, but they just might not help you in the ways you want or need.
I've had to be very proactive during my fostering and adoption journey in building up my support network, making new friends etc as I wouldn't have managed otherwise.

Thanks Candy, that's good to hear. All useful things to think about.

I've been out with a friend and have spoken to her about it. I think I don't see myself managing another baby, and the timescale for that anyway (40) is just too short.

What I think I would like to plan for is to adopt, maybe an international adoption, and the timescale for that 45, when DD is 10. I think I'd like to adopt a 3/4/5 year old at that time.

I see myself with two kids in my future. I don't see myself with a relationship. I think I have to work towards that over the next 5 to 7 years.