Upset with my daughter

[Zame]

Hello, I need a bit of advice pls.
My ex and have have a very acrimonious relationship, he was very controlling etc and I can't stand to even look at him.
He has taken me to court twice now to try and gain residency for the children, he now has joint residency and the majority of weekends as I work on those weekends.
I want to stick rigidly to the court order. That's the point of it, to reduce the need to communicate with each other . He cannot be reasonable, he is incredibly abusive towards me and my family.
He had them for tea on a Monday and has been bringing them back late every single time by 20 mins/ half an hour or so. I asked him to stick to the time agreed, he argues back as per. My daughter (9) jumped in to say 'it doesn't matter, we see you more than daddy anyway, so we get more time with him'
I can deal with shit from him, I expect it but I am so so hurt by what she said.
I want to tell her it's not true, I barely spend any quality time with them. It's like listening to him talk when she says that, I don't know what to do.
It seems like no big deal when I write it down but it's really upset me

Sorry it's long

You're not upset at your daughter though really, you're upset with him.

Your daughter is a child and doesn't get it. Don't misplace your frustration on her innocent, unintending words. She's a kid who loves her dad and her mum.

Can I suggest you don't say anything to him in front of the children, open the door "Hello DC, say bye to Dad" let them say their goodbye shut door in his face.

Stick to written communication with him only.

I think I'm upset with her because it seems like she doesn't want to be here? And what she was saying its what he says to her and she regurgitates it back. I don't know how to stop it, he shouldn't say things like that to them but he has done ever since we split up. I know I'm not helping when I confront him in front of them
Normally I do stick to emails , he will then email back page after page of abuse and nothing changes. You're right though, I shouldn't have bothered saying anything at the door. I'm just so very tired of just shutting up and putting up after 5 years + of his crap.

What are you emailing him about? If he doesn't stick to the contact agreements etc. then you could choose to take him back to court or you could completely ignore it - if he stops getting a reaction he may up the anti for a while and then find someone else to try and control...

It sounds horrible and miserable for you tbh

Thank you for all replies,
I will take him back to court but really don't have the money right now.

He loves to control and bully, one of the reasons I actually spoke to him rather than emailing was because I am so tired of him.

He also had it court ordered that he collect the children from school on Fridays (he has a lot of contact) but has since changed his mind about doing this as it interferes with other commitments he has made since.
He expects that I will look after the children until whatever time he picks them up. I asked him to let me know what time he will be collecting them so they don't get started with a game or have a snack just before he arrives.
He refused and I relieved a barrage of abuse from him. It was ridiculous

Don't be upset with your daughter, it sounds as if she was trying to diffuse the argument which, to be honest, she shouldn't have been hearing anyway.

Don't say one word to him at the door or ever in front of the kids. Ignore completely if you have to, it took two years until I even said hello and bye to my ex at the door.

Do all your communication by email.

You have to stop sweating the small stuff. Let it all go, all of it. Th past is in the past and it doesn't matter now who said what or who treated who like shit. It's over.

When you get wound up ask yourself, does it really matter? Being late doesn't really matter most of the time. My ex used to bring my baby back late and she'd be in bed an hour late. It was fucking annoying but it wasn't life threatening. I soon realised that he did it more if he knew it pissed me off.

Stop rising to the bait. Ignore and disengage and eventually let go of your anger.

You must put your kids first, and holding onto the anger will stop you doing that.

Cross post.

Don't get annoyed about not having time with them AND about him being late picking the up. See his being late as a chance to spend more time with them.

Does it really matter if they have a snack beforehand? If they are in the middle of a game he'll either have to wait or they will have to interrupt it. If they don't like doing that then they can tell him themselves it's annoying when he's late and interrupts their games. If they don't mind, then what's the problem?

Rant on here, but in real life you need to prioritise.

I wish I could I really do but his goading is constant, he is doing it now. Calling me a cock, telling me to take him back to court if I want to stop him doing this . It's so so frustrating, I know I can't win this and I hate him so much right now.
There wasn't an argument at the door, I told him he was late and asked him to bring them back on time, she immediately jumped in to defend him. I shouldn't have said anything I know I really do but god it's so hard

I know I need to get a grip, I know i do and I will but right now I'm so fed up with his shit.
I'm probably just mega hormonal because I'm due on and everything will seem ok tomorrow

I will keep my rant on here,
Calm down and get on with it in real life

Thank you for 'listening' , he rarely gets to me so much these days but to have my daughter stick up for his shit really hit a nerve

I can imagine. Honestly, I went through it too.

Starve him and his bullshit of oxygen.

It will make him furious in the short term. My ex spent a year being spittingly, furiously raging with me because I stopped playing the game. He knew his steps to that old tired dance, but I wouldn't play along with him. He was left trying to argue with himself

Eventually, it burned itself out.

We're still capable of having the occasional humdinger, but it's been a long while now since the last one. And the longer it goes between arguments, the less either of us can be arsed, and the less either of us wants to upset the apple cart, because arguing is so fucking exhausting.

Stop dancing to his tune. Have the satisfaction of knowing that ignoring him, as well as being the right thing to do, will also make him really, really angry

Each thing that he does or says, ask yourself "can I respond with icy calm silence or does something really, really need to be said? Will someone die or be injured if I don't say something?" And if the answer is no, stay quiet.

It works.

Thank you, it's so helpful to speak to someone who understands.

I'll have a cry and a rage tonight and then business as usual tomorrow. Back to ignoring it, you're completely right, he absolutely loves getting a response, I can tell he's just been dying for an opportunity to email all this bile over to me.

Once again, I'll try to rise above it x

Use a condescending smile at all times.

He turns up whenever on Friday - well all the more time you get with dc and shows how he disregards the contact times he fought for...

Please come and rant as much as you need to but the sooner as you can view him as the annoying fly that needs thwacking the better for you.

Invite people around on Friday evenings show him that it doesn't matter what he tries you're busy getting on with your life WITHOUT him!

Stop reading his email

Or best of all tell him that you have someone else reading is emails for you and they will only pass over the information you need...

Yeah I used to get someone else to read all his emails for me, could do it again. I usually do just ignore him but tonight, grrrr
Thanks for the support, it's all what I needed to hear, sympathy mixed with common sense!

Let him know someone else will,be reading emails and passing on relevant child arrangement details.
Also why must you pick them up at school when he is supposed to?
Is this every Friday or just whenever, as the next time he asks you to do that I would be tempted to say sorry I have something else to do and he must make other arrangements and to contact the school.
I know you think that would impact on the dcs but if you tell them and the school daddy is picking them up tonight and he doesn't then that is down to him

No mojo I disagree

It's cruel to make your children suffer when you know damn well he won't turn up.

Plus playing tit for tat with him just prolongs the nastiness, the anger and the upset for everyone, including the children.

It's the OP's job to protect the children. A bright and cheerful "never mind, let's do something fun at home and he'll be here soon" is the mature and adult reaction.

No one should be purposefully leaving their children standing confused on the pavement, and that goes as equally for the OP as for the ex husband.

Your dd wasn't really defending him, she was cleverly trying to diffuse the situation. Sounds like you have raised a lovely girl! It's a pain when the children sound like they're siding with a parent, but 9 times out of 10 they are simply trying to keep everyone happy. She's trying to keep you happy and him. Take the stress away from her and not have that convo in front of her again.

He sounds like a right twat, and you sound like you have put up with a lot and you are only human. But ignoring the behaviour is probably better for you in the long run. He'll try something else, but keep your chin up. One day he'll meet another woman and cock her life up and the children won't be nearly as interesting to him as they are now. Sounds like that is already happening with him stopping seeing them on the friday. That's a good sign for you....he's losing interest. Sad for the kids, but he's a nob and the less they see of him the better!

Sadly it is his intention to upset you, so he has no interest in resolving the situation. Rant here then ignore his provocation.

And record every time he doesn'tkeep to the ararrangements. If you ever need to prove his pattern of behaviour you can quote dates and times. And knowing you have that info - even if you choose not to use it - might help you feel more in control of the situation. If nothing else you protect yourself from him claiming more time with the children if he is continually unreliable.

And DD probably knows that you will forgive her and he wouldn't - so it is safer to appease him

You are right undoubtably but it's bloody annoying isn't it that he gets away with treating his dcs like this and she has to pick up the slack and put up with the crap.
Yes every time dad doesn't pick up do something really good maybe that that would be something good to look forward to instead of being disappointed in dad not turning up.
Would be good idea.
It is tough you cannot say anything bad just grit your bloody teeth and be honest

do you think a judge would take it seriously over "20 mins/ half an hour"? it is hardly worth getting worked up about is it?

choose your battles.