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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can you keep a secret forever .....

14 replies

karmagetsyou · 15/05/2015 13:37

To cut a long story short, I know a big secret about someone. Some secrets I think can be kept forever and life just goes on ....

But can this secret be kept forever?

Person I know has had a child with a very married man, MM knows but has no intention of leaving marriage etc ....

The person I know is happy (as one can be) with said situation - but can you really keep that a secret forever?

I'm just curious what anyone else's thoughts are to it being a secret forever.

We rarely discuss it, but one day I'm sure the child will ask, however, she covers it with "I will explain in an age appropriate way"

The Father has very brief contact, pays, calls occasionally etc .... child too young right now to know anything.

I tend not to ask many questions

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ancientbuchanan · 15/05/2015 16:43

Her business. And ultimately the child's . Yes she could and it might hit bother some children. Some might want to know at some stage for some reason.

I would welcome the fact you don't ask many w
Questions. If you did, I would tend to shut the friendship down.

ancientbuchanan · 15/05/2015 16:43

Not rather than hit.

Quitelikely · 15/05/2015 16:44

I'm sure it will come out one day and break the wife into a million pieces.........

LetsTalkAbout · 15/05/2015 16:50

It's perfectly possible for her to keep it a secret forever if no-one she's told opens their mouth.

She need only tell her child as much as she wants to. The thing to remember is that by the time her DC is really old enough to ask pressing questions his/her father's situation could have changed completely. By then he might be divorced, widowed or separated, or in a publicly acknowledged relationship with your friend and there'd be no secret to hide.

ancientbuchanan makes a good point that the DC might not be bothered. A lot of it comes down to his/her upbringing and how much of an issue his/her mum makes of it.

happy2bhomely · 15/05/2015 16:57

'Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.'

It won't be kept forever. One day it will come out.

I would hope the MM spends every day until then with a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

I hope the child doesn't suffer for the decisions of it's parents.

I hope the wife of the MM finds out sooner rather than later.

I would hate to know a secret like this.

CrushedCan · 15/05/2015 19:23

What a spineless POS husband! I hope the wife finds out and kicks him out! The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end!

neverendingtales · 15/05/2015 20:12

Well on the general idea of keeping secrets I don't think the truth comes out eventually in all cases. I've kept secrets as major as this (but not affecting anyone in the same way as the wife here) and nobody knows after twenty years. I'm just very good at keeping quiet about things, some people aren't. Not convinced this woman is, as she's already let the OP know. And there are some mysteries in my family tree which have followed people to their graves.

Original poster

karmagetsyou · 15/05/2015 21:08

Good feedback. She does keep secrets, I only know as she is a seriously close friend & she has mentioned she would never knowingly want the wife to find out.

I respect her & her decisions, I know this wasn't a "light decision" she made.

I've never pressed for more info as you say ultimately it's her business

Time will tell I suppose! Thanks for feedback - I tend to worry about her, however, her & her child seem to be very happy, healthy & not in turmoil of how the child was brought into the world. The child is certainly loved, wanted & cared for by all of her family.

I find it quite amazing how she can do it to be honest, she's even said the door is always open to MM for the child (not for her for obvious reasons!!) but she is adamant it's ultimately not the child's fault.

Between "us" ... tricky situation as I do believe the truth always comes out.

OP posts:

abreakwouldbenice · 15/05/2015 23:27

I'd think about the poor wife as I would want to know if it was my husband. She will feel very foolish if she finds out and will feel like people have been talking about her behind her back. Poor woman and what a tosser he is!!

TigerFeat · 15/05/2015 23:37

Ds has a friend (Y5) who doesn't know anything about his dad. He quite freely talks about the fact that he doesn't know who or where is dad is and says that his mum doesn't know/ has never known either. He's very accepting of this now, but I imagine he's going to want more details at some point.

DressingGown · 03/06/2015 00:40

Sounds callous, but MM won't live forever. What provision in his will for his child? How awful if that's how the wife finds out about the child. Or alternatively, how awful if no mention of his child. So so sad.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 03/06/2015 00:49

I don't know about forever but a very long time they can be. Someone I know didn't find out they had a sister until they was almost 50years old.

Atenco · 03/06/2015 02:43

Can she get as much information from him as possible about his health history for example and every possible and family in terms of his parents etc. but some day the child is going to want to know these things and anything could happen to the MM and they would have no-one to ask.

A friend of mine is the daughter of a man who not only was married but died before she was born. She has found it very upsetting not even to have a photograph to look at or to know anything much more about him than that.

NAR4 · 06/06/2015 18:20

I had a friend I had known since school, who had a child by a married man. She never said who the father was, although I suspect, but never asked. Dad has been financially supportive and has some contact. Child is now17. Mother has married someone else and had another child. I only have the very occasional contact now, but know the married man is still financially supportive and in her child's life, she has never told anyone who the father is (so child has obviously also kept it secret) and somehow it has worked for them.

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