Can I talk about contact and AIBU

[MikeTheShite]

Can I ask some thoughts please, regarding 2yo DD?

She has contact with her father for 24 hours a month. 2 x 12 ish hours.
I drive her the 3 hours there. He drives her home.

I won't lie. She doesn't like going, he makes no effort, we don't hear from him inbetween only a Friday to demand what time I drop DD off.

Over Xmas and new year I have offered contact and I just got ignored.

Dd is very clingy, and after going to him is so very unsettled when she returns (sleeps in my bed for 3 nights, back in nappies, tears at nursery)

I won't lie is getting me down.

So I know come Friday evening he's going to text and bully and demand what time I'm expected to drop dd off despite knowing it shouldn't be done the night before.

He's awkward, reduces me to tears and his mothers just as bad.

What can I do? Dd hasn't been for over a month I feel awful and am getting anxious

One thought could you pre - empt him by letting him know before then what time you will be dropping her off.

What does the court order say?

Court order states drop off and pick up between me and him.
EOW
He wasn't happy with that he wanted me to do all the driving and adhoc contact which he was told no and the reason I took it to court

If i preemt him he will just ignore the text and email.
I don't particularly want to deal with him. I really feel for DD so long without contact then being shipped about.

It's the fact she hasn't seen or spoken to him for so long that's upsetting me. She gets confused enough as it is

This is all about him controlling you. Take charge.

Can you arrange to drop off at the same time every Saturday that he's due to have her? Then you wouldn't have to communicate so much. Just say 'every other Saturday I'll drop her at yours at 12 noon'. I need a weeks' notice if this is inconvenient. I'll expect her back home at 8pm each time.

Otherwise, text at the beginning of the week, giving your arrival time and ignore anything else he says.

You do have to make an effort to let your DD see him, but if she gets very distressed about it, you may need to discuss other arrangements. I doubt if he likes having her while she's upset either.

Very difficult situation - I sympathise.

Sorry, sound like a bossy old mare there .

No no you didn't.
He only wants her dropped off at 4pm and return her the following morning or it's nothing and he says I'm preventing contact etc

I feel awful just driving off and leaving dd somewhere she's upset despite the fact she hadn't been for over a month.

He won't discuss alternatives it's all the above or nothing and he threatens me with court and I'd be in breech by not sending her

Can you just write and say it'll be 4pm every other Saturday until further notice?

I can imagine it's dreadful having to leave her there - for you and for her - but you have to be seen to be doing it for her sake.

I'd have thought he'll be struggling to manage her overnight anyway and I know that's difficult for you to think about, but maybe he'll change his mind about it after a while.

You've been doing all the right things - trying to maintain contact for her etc and that's obviously v stressful under the circumstances, but bear that in mind. Ideally she should have contact with him and in a convoluted way, he's trying to keep it going. Perhaps in time he'll start thinking about her feelings rather than his own issues.

Thank you, I know your right, just so bloody hard.
They give her calpol for sleep. Dd says 'says daddy night night' if she sees the bottle

Oh dear, just as well it's only once a fortnight then .

Unfortunately, as there is a court order you would be in breech if you don't send her. You can minimise the anxiety by putting some boundaries in place regarding your interaction with him; if the drop off is always at 4pm you don't need to discuss it; email him with the list of dates EOW and tell him that apart from an emergency he has to give you a week's notice in writing/email if he isn't going to be there. Tell him you are unhappy with the phonecalls and so will only be responding to emails (again, apart from emergencies) and then don't pick up the phone when he rings to be unpleasant. Keep a copy of the letter/email and a record of the times he doesn't have her.

You could, possibly, return to court to alter the order but there has to be a change in the circumstances and I'm afraid I'm not sure DD's distress will be enough.

Thank you Balia.
I know your right

He would never give me a weeks notice, ever

And if that happens say 24 hours before I don't know what to do

Well if he doesn't give you enough notice, you'll have to still go with it, because he's changing the arrangement and you'll be taking 3 hours to get her to his place. BUT, keep a detailed record of every instance that this happens, keep copies of texts/emails and when he's done it 5 times, tell him that next time he doesn't give you enough notice, the arrangement will cease altogether and he can take you to court and discuss it there.

Do make sure you keep all the texts and emails for proof - the more you have in court to show his unreasonableness, the better.

If he emails or rings and leaves a message to say he won't be there (because you won't be picking up the phone) then that is fine, just keep a record and you don't have to go. If he then wants her the following week you are sorry but you have plans, he'll need to give a weeks notice if he wants her on weekends that aren't scheduled for her to be there. If he routinely puts her off then you could go back to court with your records and ask that the contact is reduced as he can't manage EOW.

Hopefully, though, he will realise you won't be bullied and will stick to the court-ordered arrangements. And you'll probably find DD's upset about going diminishes as the anxiety around arrangements decreases (and generally as she gets older).

Thank you guys, I'm not going mad after all.
That's the sort of plan I want

He's literally just text saying 'drop her off at 1.30pm'

I don't know what to do

You can say 'I'm afraid that's not convenient - I had planned on 4pm drop-off as per usual and won't be able to make it any earlier due to previous commitments' and see how it goes from there?

Long-term, could you ask for something less vague in terms of a court order?

I tried that

She hasn't been for over a month, I feel like I'm betraying her

I just don't know what to do?

Do I send her, or do I suggest he takes her out for a few hours down here instead?

If the court order is for overnight contact then yes, you need to send her. If you don't. it will be even longer between visits and that is worse for her. Take a letter with you outlining fortnightly dates for contact (say from now until Easter) and stating that any changes to the dates (other than emergencies) need to be organised a week in advance.

Thank you Balia

He medicates her with Calpol to make her sleep! I'd be speak to child social services and taking advice. Mediation and contact through a contact centre might be the safest option. I hope he's paying child support.

Mediation failed hence court
I hate this situation.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. You need to put in writing the dates he's having her for the next 3 months and say you'll drop her at his at 4pm unless you get a week's notice in writing requesting a different time. A text 24 hours beforehand is unacceptable. Don't ask him if it's ok, just state what you're going to do. Then keep copies of all his texts/emails etc in case you end up back in court.

Start making a stand now. Of course he won't like it, but stand your ground, if he's determined to see her, he'll have to be reasonable and what he's doing isn't reasonable.