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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex's "new" partner-am I being rational??

32 replies

nancysgirl · 04/09/2006 20:51

probably not!! She hasn't done anything outrageous or even mild-she just exists and that's bad enough!!
Just wondered what you all thought cos I want to grill my ex about this woman who is spending a lot of time with my dd (5). He's never acknowleged that they live together tho dd says thet do and he says that dd rarely sees new partner cos he has dd on his own but dd constantly talks about her and she seems to be involved in all they do and I know nothing about her. It makes me very uneasy. I want to ask him about her-is she caring? does she bath dd? does she give dd cuddles? etc and I want him to assure me that new partner doesn't do things too differently discipline/diet/morals wise IYSWIM. Am I being too interfering? Should I just let them get on with it? Don't know what to do?!!

OP posts:

gothicmama · 04/09/2006 20:52

no you should ask him if only because dd is mentioning her and he's not

PanicPants · 04/09/2006 20:52

God, no!! I'd want to know.

Maybe you should casually drop it into conversation like, 'oh dd mentioned that ??? did this' etc

crazydazy · 04/09/2006 20:54

I think you have a right as a Mum to ask these questions and tbh I think you are being very understanding about the whole situation.

I am not in this situation myself so cannot really help.

DVX · 04/09/2006 20:56

Its a horrible situation as you suddenly realise that you have no control at all over some of the environments which your child/ren enter. For example if they suddenly go from non smoking into smoking and there is nothing you can do even though they may be inhaling smoke or carcinogenic pollutants and consequently upping their chances of lung cancer.

What is your relationship like with your X. I dont speak to mine at all so can do nothing but if you do speak well perhaps you should try and broach the subject and ask if you can have a chat about how things are going to be whilst she is around. However I would try very hard to be as tactful as possible because if he thinks you are being defensive it may cause problems.

mistressmiggins · 04/09/2006 21:06

why dont you ring the house when you know hes not there - I rang my ex's house when I knew he would be in the car on the way home having just dropped the kids off after weekend at theirs - I spoke to her to ask how SHE felt things were going with the kids etc

told her I didtn agree with smacking

told her that my ex is v soft & she will probably end up doing the discipling - she said she had realised this after 2 weekends!!! said she thought it was just cos he didnt see them much & I said "no hes just soft"

you ARE entitled to it cos whatever they say, if there is another person in the house, they are responsible too

Original poster

nancysgirl · 04/09/2006 21:15

I don't have his home number just his mobile!! Also a bit reluctant to call her even if I could as only contact I have ever had with her was when she rang me up about a year ago to abuse me!!
See why I'm a bit worried???

OP posts:

theheadgirl · 04/09/2006 21:51

Hi, new to site
good luck nancy, its that lack of control thats hard itsn't it? My kids haven't met x's new partner yet, and I'm dreading it. does your dd seem happy after her visits?

Original poster

nancysgirl · 04/09/2006 22:07

you're right-the lack of control is terrible. I'm so jealous of this other woman being with my dd and the 3 of them swanning around playing happy families with MY daughter! I've done all the hard work -he's been absent almost since she was born and I can't bear to think that people think that they are a family when they're not and I'm not there. Sorry-getting increasingly incoherent! Yes dd seems to enjoy herself tho she has said she'd like to see her dad on his own. He just said she always does anyway-he's a compulsive liar BTW!
I'd like to be able to have some kind of contact with new P but I don't feel able to cos in my only dealings with her she seemed completely bonkers. i also think x has told her a pack of lies about me cos I can't think why else she would be so hostile that 1 time she rang me.

OP posts:

rickman · 04/09/2006 22:15

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nancysgirl · 04/09/2006 22:27

God Rickman how do you stand it? I would go ballistic if I thought x was leaving dd with GF. He says he never would but as I say he is a compulsive liar who doesn't know how to tell the truth. It's so awful and wrong IMO to hear your child talking about someone who has an influence on their life that you have never met. Relly struggling to cope with this.

OP posts:

rickman · 04/09/2006 23:36

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 05/09/2006 01:04

the point of contact is so they get to see the kids, but i guess sometimes if he has to pop out to do something or to get something it might be easier to leave them with the gf for a short while? not if it was for a long time though like the business partner thing.

i think you have every right to check that they are sticking to your parenting styles. DD is with you most of the time so they should stick with your routine. i guess it would be ok for him to do the less important things a bit different but not important things like smacking etc.

Original poster

nancysgirl · 05/09/2006 18:09

the thing is I'm unure of how to go about it-any ideas? I thought of writing down all the things I think are important without going in to minute detail over trivial things so as not to sound like a complete control freak!!

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 06/09/2006 12:46

i reckon the list is the way to go. otherwise you may be at risk of saying every trivial thing when you get worked up which you prob will. if you have a list you can say all the important thigns and make yourself stick to it. if you feel like you are going to bring a smaller matter into it you can look at the list and mvoe onto the next thing.

Original poster

nancysgirl · 06/09/2006 18:29

thanks nappyaddict. I think I will go with the list and see how it goes. Dd even said today that she missed X's GF! Wasn't prepared for that one I must say and not very nice to hear though at least she must be nice to Dd for her to say that. You never imagine this sort of thing happening do you when you have your darling little baby? That a complete starnger will be in their life? Weird situation.

OP posts:

SSSandy · 06/09/2006 18:41

Horror scenario for me. Shudders. I point blank wouldn't allow it TBH unless I knew the woman really well, liked and trusted her. Which is no help to you at all I know. You have my sympathy.

Think in your shoes, I would drop round when dd is there unannounced to pick her up an hour earlier than arranged for some reason or other. Find some excuse. Bring a bottle of wine or a cake or something and sit there, grit my teeth and have a half hour conversation whilst screening her carefully and how dd is around her.

You can't just turn dd over to some woman you don't know and have no idea how she will be treated or what the set-up is. Imagine employing a babysitter you hadn't seen or spoken to.

mistressmiggins · 06/09/2006 20:21

I can see what you mean SSandy BUT if your childrne have access with their father & he lives with a woman, what can you do?

my ex lives nrly 3 hrs drive from me so I have to trust him as I cant go & meet her.
I did think about asking to meet her & mnaking her come up here but decided that I didnt want to see her....
I have spoken to her on the phone though & explained my views on discipline etc and it seems ok

malteser1 · 06/09/2006 20:53

Hi NG,
I have a stepdaughter and at the beginning of our relationship when I was just the girfriend my DH's exwife was very rude about finding out about me. I was not introduced to my SD until a good 4/5 months into our relationship and when DH told his ex he was dating somebody new she refused to speak about me banned me from having any contact with her daughter etc which was unreasonable. She sent a solicitors letter asking to know my full name, address age and profession.
I was still happy for her to know, having nothing to hide, but just wish the approach could have been different. I eventually met her when dropping off SD one day and she always has little to say to me.
I do think you have a right to speak to her - she'd probably want to speak to you too and find out basics like preferred bedtime routine, discipline methods etc. Although your ex should be the main carer if the GF moves in or is already living in then she will be involved in the parenting - whether you like it or not.
I can really sympathise with you about it hurting when your DD says she misses the GF. But this speaks volumes. Surely its better that the GF is a caring person who gets on with your daughter than a stepmother from hell. She's not a mother figure for your DD - and never could be.
I'd bet its your ex whose keen to keep the two of you apart. And that abusive call was a year ago - a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then I'm sure.
I'd want to meet the GF as a mum, and having experienced being the GF I too wanted to meet mum to make sure the parenting was the same at both houses.
Insist to your husband that you want to meet her - maybe the Gf could drop your DD off one day without your ex there?

Original poster

nancysgirl · 06/09/2006 21:10

malteser I think that's a good idea in theory.In fact my best friend has been saying for ages that i should invite then both round! Not sure I want to go that far,but insisting on meeting her in some way would be good. I'm not so sure though that it would be as civilised as you think! I don't think she has any desire to discuss parenting issues and the best way forward for DD. My X is a pathetic weak man who will lie his way into and out of anything if it suits him so he will maybe agree and then it will never happen. But that's defeatist-it's worth a try! You're right though-he will be trying to keep us apart-perhaps due tothe fact that he's described her to me as a psycho and bimbo!!! (after she rang me that time and they allegedly split up) Nice chap. God alone knows what he says about me!!

OP posts:

fistfullofnappies · 06/09/2006 21:50

yes, you cant really do anything about it. The only consolation is, that when you get into a new relationship, your ex will doubtless suffer the pangs that you are suffering now.

Being completely rational, it is probably OK unless she is a complete nutter or something.

Original poster

nancysgirl · 06/09/2006 21:55

When?? You mean IF!!!!!! Chance would be a fine thing! In fact I am simultaneously chatting on a dating website right now!
Seriously though I don't think X would be at all bothered

OP posts:

fistfullofnappies · 06/09/2006 22:05

Bet he WOULD. theyre all the same. has he "forgotten" that you are divorced when he wants something from you yet?

Original poster

nancysgirl · 06/09/2006 22:10

makes no difference-he always gets what he wants! I mean in terms of changing contact days/times etc.
Don't think it would occur to him that I might meet someone else (MIGHT!!)and I don't think he is sufficiently attached to dd to be bothered if there was another bloke in her life.

OP posts:

fistfullofnappies · 06/09/2006 22:24

mine is the same in fixing what he wants re contact times etc.

they can be amazingly petty and childish when they realise that someone else finds you attractive

Original poster

nancysgirl · 06/09/2006 22:25

i'll look forward to that then!!

OP posts:

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