Speaking to the NRP during their time away...

[mammadiggingdeep]

Just a question...does your dc/ dc's talk on the phone with their dad/mum whilst they're with you? If so, at what age? For how long? How do you manage it?

At present my two dd (aged nearly 4 and nearly 2) don't speak on the phone to their dad during the week. They do ask for him and talk about him. I think my dd1 could handle a proper conversation now and gets the whole 'phone' thing. However, is it disruptive? Does it confuse them?

Your thoughts and comments much appreciated...

My son speaks with me while he is with his mum as it's something in the court order i negotiated. It came about because there was, once upon a time, long gaps in the time he was permitted to spend with me.

I speak to him on the weekends he is with me - even if it is 3 minutes just to talk nonsense and say `I love you'. He's 7 - just recently he's been asking his mum to be able to speak to me more.

He's always welcome to speak to her on the phone too and I've made a game of getting him to remember and dial the number himself. I hope she reciprocates on that but I'm not holding my breath!

Thank you. That's helpful. I just want them to have a close, good relationship but am aware that younger children don't really understand phone conversations sometimes- as in my youngest trying to show the person on the phone her new toy etc!

hi. mine are older but we have an open agreement that if the dd wants to ring or face time the other parent they always can. sometimes due to his job ex isn't always free but I never say no unless I know he can't speak. when they go there they get very anxious as again due to his job it can be a long time in between visits. so they do often call me. he can call here anytime. we try to make sure its not too close to bed time that's all .

Thank you. Does the phone call usually help settle them or can it sometimes upset them again?

Feel so full of worry anyway about us not being together affecting them...then it's another worry trying to get contact right.

it can raise questions and it did more so in the beginning. we are 6 months in and they ask to call less now than they did do. their dad still likes to call them every couple of days and they are usually fine. because they are older and can phone themselves his number is on display in the kitchen so they can contact him without having to go through me every time .

it is hard isn't it and I feel bad about them having two houses. that's what bothers my two the most. but we are firm but kind with the facts now and then distract them into something else.

both mine have photos up in their rooms too of their dad and there is one of me at his house too.

The photos are a good idea. That's nice.

It's been a year for us but contact was done at my house until recently and he was here quite a lot, little and often. Also I feel my eldest has just to the age where phoning night b useful. It's a minefield isn't it. The only stressful part of the break up for me has been worrying about the dc's. I don't miss him, I don't feel lonely particularly, I don't struggle to manage alone...my only stressed anxiety about my dd's happiness.

Thanks again- good to get a picture of what others do.

I speak to mine every night at bedtime. She is 7 and it has been this way since she was 18 months old! Her teachers have commented on her ability to focus on conversations. It's easier now she is older and it suits everyone. There's never been a barrier to contact and all parties are very amicable. Hope this reassures you a little.

Mine see their dad once a week and it seems like a long time to them. Sometimes he'll pop in to collect something in between times and the younger ones get very excited to see him, but they often get a bit sad afterwards, as if it makes them 'remember' how much they miss him.

I'm the same with my DP (not their dad!) - I'd rather not see him at all than just see him for 5 minutes as it makes me miss him more, so I understand how they feel.

I think it's good to offer the option and for you both to be open to the odd spontaneous visit if possible as well as phone calls, but be aware that it might upset them for a while afterwards.

Thank you...

Ex is a bit of an arse sometimes re contact. Turns up late and won't agree to regular times which drives me mad.aynd phoning may help to allow dd's feel in contact.

The nightly phone calls sound lovely- I'm full of admiration for others who seem to have it sussed and sorted. Feels such an anxious area to me. I constantly worry about how they feel. Hopefully in time ex might sort his bloody act out and regular contact might help to ease the anxiety I feel.

I think I will start asking dd if they wants to chat to him during the gaps between contact. If it seems to unsettle them Ill take it from there.

Also going to put photo of them with daddy in their rooms- great idea.

Thanks all....

DS is only just 2 and doesn't really speak on the phone yet (just grins manically and ocasionaly says yes/no) and sees his Dad a lot so he doesn't. I'd definitely consider it if he saw him less though. Or maybe skype? You can always reconsider if it seems to unsettle them. In fact, we are off on holiday for a week in June so I might say to ex that DS could skype him then.

My new bf's little girl speaks to him ocasionally on the phone, just if she tells her mum she misses him.

I must remember to do a photo of DS and his Dad for his room too, I think that is a really nice idea.

My ds just turned 7 ..he has no contact with Dad but is still not very good at phone conversations esp if he is doing something or watching something on TV..He would of been awful at 4..It would of ended up me having a conversation not him and Dad so you need to think about her ability to hold a conversation on the phone and how it could be facilitated if you did.

I think Skype or FaceTime is easier for kids, they don't end up talking over each other and they can show their dad pictures or toys etc.

Yes, FaceTime could be a good idea, that way my dd2 will be able to join in and 'get it'.

Thanks all...

I take dd's lead. In my opinion her dad calls too often and I do feel it undermines her time with me. He'll call during dinner and right before bedtime and sometimes three times a day. But I'm loath to say no to her accepting the call. She rarely asks to call him. Or indeed me when she's with her dad. I think she's most happy playing the two separate lives thing as she's told me she is happy until one of us calls and she remembers how much she misses us.

It's hard for me if she doesn't choose to call all weekend and I sometimes wonder of she thinks "why does daddy always call me yet mummy doesn't bother" but I think in the long run I prefer the ball to be in her court.

She was useless on the phone until she was about five anyway

yes we use face time too although mine spend most of that pulling silly faces at themselves in the little box in the corner.

I very much take their lead on it all. I don't prompt them to ring ex. he often does check if its OK to call and I don't think I've ever said no but maybe give us 15 mins or something.

I know we are all happier now too and when my youngest was saying its not fair the other day I told her that and that the grown ups made the decisions for everyone to be happier. mine resent the fact the grown ups make the decisions.

Yes mine do, every Wednesday evening for about 15 mins. My 7 year old has the most to say as he's the oldest, but the others chip in every now and then (they're 2 and 5). Ex phones my mobile and I put it on speaker phone and leave them to it.

Forgot to say it's every Wednesday as that's halfway through contact times.

I encourage DD to speak to Ex everytime he phones whilst she is still awake. Sadly it is very variable either it s every night or it goes for prolonged periods of not phoning or late at night.
When he is alone he phones more, when his alcoholic GF is with him he seems not to phone. This just compounds for DD that he chooses GF over her.

Thanks everybody. So helpful to hear your experiences.