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Lone parents

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Original poster

Telling my 10 year old I'm pregnant

21 replies

fs2013 · 19/03/2014 08:49

I have just found out I'm pregnant & I conceived using a sperm donor. I am a single parent of a 10 year old daughter who knows who her dad is but hasn't seen him for 2 years now & he has not been a big part of our lives since we split up when she was 3. (His choice not mine). My daughter knows where babies come from & that babies have a 'daddy'.

I have been single since she was 8 & nothing serious anyway since her Dad. I decided to have another baby on my own using a donor & will continue to be a single parent. The baby will know his/her origins from the get go-BUT how to explain this to my 10 year old? I plan to tell her later in pregnancy & could use some advice on how to word it all.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

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Original poster

fs2013 · 19/03/2014 10:57

Anyone?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 19/03/2014 10:59

just tell her the truth - there must be some books at the clinic you can use ?

if there isnt then write your own short version in a word document

cestlavielife · 19/03/2014 11:00

booksfordonoroffspring.blogspot.co.uk/ if they aimed at teh conceived child rather than siblings then adapt and write your own version

make it clear it is about positives for your dd to have a sibling

nevergoogle · 19/03/2014 11:05

congratulations!

I think you should just tell her the truth. She won't think it's unusual I'm sure. 10 isn't too young to have/reinforce the conversation about the roles of sperm and egg. I suppose the conversation may now include a discussion around the roles of fathers but it sounds like an all round healthy conversation to have with her given that her own father is absent.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/03/2014 11:10

If it helps at all, I have a 10 year age gap between DC2 & DC3 and DC2 was very happy & excited to hear that there was a new baby on the way.

In so far as explaining how the baby was made, I would also think that the clinic you conceived at would be able to advise? Maybe even have a leaflet explaining things in child friendly terms?

The biology is similar in that the new baby does have a daddy, just not one you will meet or know. Maybe something along the lines of baby's daddy being someone who just really wanted to help you have another baby, because they are kind like that. I would think that more & more questions will crop up over the years from both DCs, so it is just going to be best to answer everything as honestly as possible.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/03/2014 11:13

And yes, as nevergoogle says, as your DD's own father is not in her life she should understand already that not all daddies are 'there' and hopefully this should help her .

Original poster

fs2013 · 19/03/2014 11:19

Maybe something along the lines of baby's daddy being someone who just really wanted to help you have another baby, because they are kind like that.

Thanks SantasLittleMonkeyButler! Love that, sounds good.

I know some people may well judge this but I didn't use a clinic, I found a donor online and paid £70 instead of £1000..I got pregnant first time! I'm 34 and just knew it was now or never so went for it..

Thanks so much for replies! I know there's a lot of stuff out there for my baby but can't find much about siblings. My daughter may not be so excited to have a brother or sister anyway! I have tested her a bit saying things like 'what if Mummy had another baby' when she mentioned a friends baby and she said 'I don't want a brother or sister, I like it that it's just me'! lol..oops!

OP posts:

Lighthousekeeping · 19/03/2014 11:21

Wasn't that risky?

Lollywig · 19/03/2014 12:09

OP, how much research did you do before embarking on this journey? This is an incredibly complex and sensitive issue and it sounds like you are jut chuffed to be pregnant without considering the massive effects of being DC. I see your daughters feelings as a whole different thing, another that you haven't perhaps given due consideration to either....

I have some professional experience of working with people who are DC and I have to say, hearing their perspectives are eye opening. Lots of anger and on-going trauma that can feel impossible to resolve. The issues to do with identity can have serious and long term emotional effects. The 'lack of daddy on the scene' cannot be compared to that of your other child. It's totally, utterly different. At least she knows you had a relationship and you can talk to her about him, even if he isn't around at the moment at least.

I suspect that discovering half your genes where bought from a stranger online for 70quid would have long term devastating consequences most people. It's not just a case of explaining what being DC means, it's a case of living with how that makes you feel and all those questions you may never get answered.

I think how to tell your daughter about this is a dimple on a pimple compared to how you support your second child with this issue for the rest of their lives.

Lighthousekeeping · 19/03/2014 12:19

I agree. I'm sorry. You are only in your thirties how do you know that you won't meet someone that you will want to settle down and have a family with?

Original poster

fs2013 · 20/03/2014 09:42

How dare you Lollywig! I'm perfectly capable of understanding the risks involved and never came on here to ask for help with any moral questions thank you!

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/03/2014 14:20

If I were the OP, I would not be telling either my current DD (obviously about the new sibling) or new child that they were "bought from a stranger online for 70 quid". I would be saying, initially, that they were conceived from a very brief encounter (or words to the effect). The child will obviously want to ask questions about his or her father as time goes on, but there are ways of being tactfully truthful without being so damn blunt. Babies are born as a result of one-night stands, brief relationships or in cases where the father simply does not want to know & runs at a positive pregnancy test. Not all of these babies will grow up to have huge issues about their conception. Surely the way the truth is told & handled is more important than what the truth actually is?

Besides which, the OP asks for advice in explaining the new baby to her 10 year old DD. Not for judgment on her choices. Had she posted an "AIBU To Get Pregnant Via a Donor?" then it would be a different thread. Besides which, OP IS ALREADY PREGNANT - arguing the rights or wrongs is not really helpful. I am sure no-one is suggesting that OP should read your comments and think "oh yes, you are right. I hadn't thought of that" and abort a baby that she desperately wants to have?

And yes, the OP may well meet a new partner in the future. If he is the right person for OP, then he will welcome her two DCs into his life in the same way he would have needed to welcome just her DD anyway.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 20/03/2014 14:47

I have to say, with a dd at age 10 I think I would have already broached the idea of having another child before actually going ahead with the insemination.

She is old enough to understand that you really wanted another child, but not having a relationship you have used sperm from a donor who wanted to help women who don't have a partner (or couples who have fertility problems).

Sell him as a good guy who wanted to help give her a sibling, I'm sure she'll be fine with it.

Original poster

fs2013 · 20/03/2014 21:14

Thank you SantasLittleMonkeyButler! xx

OP posts:

nevergoogle · 20/03/2014 21:28

How are you feeling fs? Have you discussed it with your daughter yet?

Original poster

fs2013 · 21/03/2014 09:16

I'm planning to tell my daughter after the first scan.

I'm feeling good thanks nevergoogle! x

I wasn't starting a thread to hear how people feel about sperm donation or whether I could have a baby in the future with a partner! I don't need that kind of advice as I already have it worked out! Nobody knows my circumstances or even if I want a partner yet!

When I read Lollywig's reply it made me angry. Why should it matter how much I paid? I did the same as anyone else as a clinic without the protection of the clinic's procedures-that is my choice as an adult and I will never regret my actions as it's likely to result in a much loved and wanted child! It seems to me that it's a wind up because no loving parent is going to phase how they were conceived in the way she suggested. My child will have the same questions as anyone else conceived via a donor whether I paid £70 or over a grand for the privilege!

Having a baby actually doesn't have to be that difficult. Many one night stands lead to babies, as do brief relationships with the wrong person.
I found a donor who knows exactly what they are doing and everything is agreed by 2 consenting adults. This is my decision and right-check legal facts! Morally it is up to me. I know what ideals are and would never claim it is the ideal way to have a child but it's still my choice and I'll stand by it always. Lot's of things are less than ideal, lots of families are different. My child actually will have a father figure around, not that I need to defend myself!

Thanks for the helpful suggestions on telling my 10 year old..I wasn't going to bother to retort but..must be the hormones!

OP posts:

nevergoogle · 21/03/2014 13:32

You shouldn't need to justify your decisions but a forum like this allows you some insight into what people in RL may be thinking but not saying. In a way perhaps it will help you to prepare for other peoples opinions if you decide to share the information with them, and they turn out to be less than supportive.

It sounds to me like a much safer and more honest way to conceive than to put yourself into situations where you are seeking one night stands with strangers or to begin relationships where you know your priority is pregnancy rather than the relationship.

But like you say, that's not what this thread is about.

I've just bought a book called 'where do babies come from' to help initiate the discussions with my two boys 9 and 7. Baby no 3 is due in a few weeks and it seems like a good opportunity to begin with the facts. Also there is a section about how baby's are born and that is the bit i'm preparing them for.

In the book, there is definitely a focus on the having sex or making love to make a baby but there is a small section that covers artificial insemination and IVF although it says that doctors do this. It explains how this works and why 'couples' might choose these as options. It's a shame it doesn't cover your situation as I expect it's more common than people realise. I know at least one person for whom this is a real option.

Here's a link to the book. You might find it useful.

Good luck with everything.

LizSurly · 21/03/2014 22:13

I agree with Lynda, I'd bring it up first in a round about way. Admit to wishing she had a sibling, say you'd always hoped and dreamed that you would have another child, that you were a bigger family..........

Give her a day to digest that then tell her the truth

Original poster

fs2013 · 22/03/2014 15:24

Thanks Nevergoogle I just ordered that book!

OP posts:

nevergoogle · 22/03/2014 16:08

No worries, we took a look at the birth bits today.

9 year old laughed at the title of the book. "where do babies come from?" "well that's obvious he said, pointing at my huge bump". i'm not sure he's interested how it got in there.

Steelojames · 22/03/2014 18:34

Congrats and good luck fs2013!
I'm sure all will be well! You do not give a toss what anyone else thinks and I applaud you, your story is inspiring and I wish you all the best!!

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