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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

can he veto a childminder?

23 replies

chocoreturns · 07/11/2013 09:47

My ex wants to have a say in who I choose as a childminder for our children. They have residence with me, and will never be with the childminder on 'his' time so he has no reason to have a personal relationship with them, above and beyond knowing they are happy and well looked after. But he wants to interview people (seperately from me) and tell me which one he approves of.

I think it's controlling madness and want to tell him to go eff himself. Am I wrong?

OP posts:

gonetobed · 07/11/2013 09:48

I dont see why he shouldn't get a say - they are his children too.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 07/11/2013 09:53

The advice I see on here all the time is that it's none of my business what he does with them on his access, who he sees them with etc and unless I have welfare concerns I need to suck it up. But when he wants to dictate to me how they are looked after (and I do mean dictate, not collaborate, or discuss or share or help, or be a team - I mean he says 'no' and expects me to comply, with no explanation) I'm supposed to kowtow to his opinions?

I'm really pissed off about this one. He's not going to consider what is best for them, or practical for me for work, he is simply going to tell me my first choice isn't good enough for the sake of causing me grief. As he has done on every other occasion he's decided to exercise his 'parental rights'.

FWIW he had zero interest when I chose a nursery for our two and didn't even contact them to introduce himself for over 12 months. He's only pissed off because I'm moving house, and now wants to control what my life will be like in the new area.

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 07/11/2013 10:03

He can ask them if they mind being interviewed separately (they can always disagree) however, ultimately, he has no legal right to stop you entering into a business contract with them unless they are deemed - legally - to be abusive/negligent.

It is advisable to check their Ofsted reports.

Good luck with the move.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 07/11/2013 10:06

thanks caramel. I wouldn't choose anyone who wasn't reputable, with great references and a good Ofstead anyway. sigh it's just one last way of him exercising some control I guess. Should be used to it by now.

OP posts:

HowardTJMoon · 07/11/2013 10:24

It could be argued that parental responsibilty requirements mean you should consult with him. I'm not sure about that as what PR does and died not cover is very vague. But whether you are supposed to consult with him or not he does not get veto power over you.

If you like the child minder and he doesn't then he would have to get a judge to agree with him and unless your child number is a convicted murderer or similar I doubt he'd get very far.

So let him have his opinion but remember thautomatically automatically overrule yours.

lostdad · 07/11/2013 10:25

Legally?

While your DC are with you they are your responsibility and you don't need his permission. Likewise when they are with him he doesn't need your permission about who they are with.

You are both (in theory!) responsible parents who can be trusted to make decisions in the best interests of your DC.

If you need childcare because you work, etc. I would be tempted to advise you put the ball back into his court: Tell him you are more than happy for him to take responsibility to care for them more. That way he can take time off work or handle all the childcare arrangements.

HowardTJMoon · 07/11/2013 10:25

Gah! That last sentence should end "... but remember that it doesn't automatically overrule yours."

Viviennemary · 07/11/2013 10:33

Yes I think he should be involved in this if he wants to be. But on the other hand I can see why you think he might just be exercising control.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 07/11/2013 10:44

I think I'm a bit bewlidered by his approach to things though. I invited him to meet me in person and discuss contact, and all the other things that a move would affect. He refused because he couldn't find time because I suggested it then berrated me for not communicating with him and started banging on about taking me to mediation again so he can force me to listen to him and pay for the privillege when I have happily agreed to talk to him anyway.

So far, he's turned down more contact with the DC because I suggested it. Told me that I'm on my own if they are ill, because it will be inconvenient for him to help out now I'm moving (no change there then) and told me that I should have discussed moving with him before I made a decision about it (not bloody likely, and to clarify we are NOT talking a cross country hike here, it's not far) because he had a right as their parent to have a say. Um, what, like I had a right as their mum to veto him leaving to live with OW? And I'll have a right to veto him moving house, changing job, or having more kids etc in the future? He sees no problem with him supervising my life while he does anything he pleases with his own!

And despite being abundently clear that he won't help me in any way, he does want to 'approve' the school (it's catchment, I have no idea what he thinks he can do about it if he doesn't approve?? please give me a heads up if I'm missing something here) and he wants to choose the childminder, who he will never meet, and won't deal with him at any point wrt the children.

OP posts:

KerwhizzedMyself · 07/11/2013 13:35

I'm sure I read with schools he would have to prove why it wouldn't be an appropriate school rather than you prove is a good choice. Surely this could apply to childminders too? So you could choose the one you want, get the children going there and he can fight afterwards if he wants to cause trouble isn't happy with the childminder. He'd have to have valid reasons why the childminder isn't suitable too so I think you'd find he will give up on trying to get to you through that one.

caramelwaffle · 07/11/2013 13:38

So he is a control freak.

Ultimately, you have your children's best interests at heart. Carry on with your plans and DO NOT let feelings of guilt take hold (that is what he wants from you - to control you).

Good luck with your move, the new schools and childminders.

caramelwaffle · 07/11/2013 13:41

Kerwhizz is right: men (and women) like this are fundamentally lazy. Their actual interest lay in mentally abusing their ex partners, not the wellbeing of any children.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/11/2013 13:43

He would need to take you to court to fight it, he'd also need to provide a very good reason why he get's to decide who you pay to care for your children during your time. So unless you hire an axe murderer he wont get very far.

I wouldn't even bother telling him I was getting a childminder. Ex was/is very controlling, I operate on a need to know basis, I have friends and family and childminders he couldn't name any of them.

AdoraBell · 07/11/2013 13:45

Let him interview CMs if they are willing, then make your choice and if when he complains tell him To write with his actual legitimate reasons.

lostdad · 07/11/2013 13:48

Like I say...ignore him if he's being awkward. It may be something nice to discuss but the OP knows the situation better than anyone else here.

In the wider scheme of things though this is the sort of thing that will always come up from time to time so it may be good in the long term to work out what to do to minimise the hassle.

starlight1234 · 07/11/2013 13:53

I would tell him..he wants to decide he can pay... I think the thing is yes NRP should have a say in their kids life but that is when they are genuinely interested in the childs best interest..It seems in this case this isn't what he is doing.

starlight1234 · 07/11/2013 13:55

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 07/11/2013 14:02

Just go ahead and employ someone - if he has objections get him to write them down and take you all to court.

He didn't let you veto or even meet the OW did he?

mumandboys123 · 07/11/2013 18:48

I would ignore it. Choose the childminder that works best for you - make sure you see their CRB, insurance details and Ofstead report and leave it at that. No court is going to listen to a man who is trying to dictate to his ex what she should to to manage her life whilst she is out working and supporting both herself and her children. You don't have to justify your reasons - let him drag it through court if he's that bothered. You wouldn't need a solicitor to defend such a case - it's logic that you are allowed to arrange your life to suit you.

TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels · 07/11/2013 19:00

I don't understand why you even give that nonsense headspace choco. I get the feeling your ex's arsehole qualities are in abundance, and maybe all the fuckwittery has got you momentarily flummoxed. Think it through logically - your time, your decision. Like others have said, he'd be laughed out of court trying to force his choice of childminder on you. IMO and IME you need to make the choice on this as it's you who will need to have the relationship with the CM, you will be paying and you will be dropping off/picking up.

Personally, in your shoes, I'd just ignore any communication that doesn't involve sorting contact. Your ex sounds like he takes v little encouragement to engage in this sort of fuckwittery. Ignore him. Do what you need to, for your own needs and your DC, and ignore everything other than communication on contact.

CountryPlumpkin · 07/11/2013 20:26

Choco I have followed your threads over the months and I can say in this instance you should tell him to do one that you will arrange appropriate child care for when the children are in your care and inform him of your decision afterwards. Likewise, he is free to do the same when the kids are with him.

Oh, and he is a complete and utter toss bag.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 07/11/2013 22:19

Thank you. I'm not sure either why I've given it head space. Probably over tired and anxious about moving myself, worrying about making decisions on my own but knowing that he is the last person to help me feels quite stressful. I am having a word with myself though and will just keep calm and carry on. Thanks for all of your replies x

OP posts:

mamas12 · 07/11/2013 23:30

Hello Choco I echo what everyone has said about the need to know basis. Only tell him the barest minimum
It is sad that the person you used to rely upon to help with decisions especially about your shared children together is no longer reliable isn't it
Hope you can turn to someone else to talk it through and realise that turning to him even about the dcs is not an option anymore as he is not your friend now. When I realised that my ex was not my friend then I knew what to do
Good luck

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