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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Coping with a newborn as a single mother.

17 replies

Mummy2014 · 20/10/2013 13:59

Hi all,
I am 7months pregnant with my first baby & Fiancé walked out on us last weekend.

I'm much more positive now, if he's walked now he was never going to be much use with a newborn baby!

Just curious to know coping strategies for others that have been through the same.
I'm already worried about the first night alone, just me & my baby - will I manage? :-/

The ex wants to be at the birth & move back in for a week when baby born but not allowing it - cake & eat it springs to mind!!!

Just really want to know how people have coped in same / similar situation.

OP posts:

IsisOhIsis · 20/10/2013 14:11

Hey, I'm sorry this has happened but glad you're feeling strong and positive. I was in a similar situation and it was hard but, I believe, easier than if I'd had a useless lump of man-child hanging around as well! Do you have family near you? Good, supportive friends? I dont have family near by but my mum cane to stay for a week after dd was born (she was at the birth too). I appreciate this may sound like hell depending on your relationship with your mother!
I batch cooked while pregnant and filled the freezer with healthy, filling meals I could just pop in the oven so I was well fed without having to cook.
Ask people for help. Do NOT feel guilty about this! When people come to visit have them make you a cuppa. Pick up some shopping or hang some washing up for you before they get to hold baby! Or they hold baby while you have a lovely bath.
Go easy on yourself. If you don't have a shower for 3 days or get dressed? That's ok. You have a newborn. Concentrate on the cuddles.
You will be fine! It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Good luck x

RitaFajita · 20/10/2013 15:27

I'm sorry you're going through this. It happened to me too, my husband left me when I was about four months pregnant. I let him come to the birth and stay for week as well. To be honest I found it hard having him there for the birth as I wanted him to be there for me too, he did the hand holding etc but not the same....having him at the house for a week was a good help though. just the extra pair of hands and letting him see what a responsibility it was. I think its probably helped us stay amicable that I let him be involved from the start. Do what's right for you though and ask for help, whether from your ex or others

honey86 · 20/10/2013 16:06

i was single when i had dd and had 2 toddlers too, when their dad died of sudden death. its not as scary as it seems honestly. im about to do it again. i split from my fw ex at 4 months. just if it gets too much, dont be too proud to ask someone for support xx

starlight1234 · 20/10/2013 16:30

My ex left for the first time when baby was very small...

My advise is take all the help that is offered...People like to help...Also don't worry about the cleaning..when Ex left I was so worried about getting behind and never catching up...It is unrealistic..Try and enjoy the time with little one and sleep when little one does...

When you want a nap don't be afraid to ask people to leave..they will understand

nannyj · 20/10/2013 16:34

I found it lovely just being able to suit myself. I slept when my dd did and didn't worry too much about housework as it was just me.

Hawkmoth · 20/10/2013 16:46

I did this. I second sleeping when baby sleeps. You will find yourself doing all sorts of odd things in the middle of the night... But there's no one to complain and sleep is the most precious thing!

Co sleeping is easier alone, again prioritising sleep.

The eating and drinking thing is a bit of a faff. Get a thermal mug and have a sports bottle of water handy at all times.

Since you have nobody else to consider, just be led by your baby. Who cares if you're in Asda at 3am? Or that you become an expert on Australian Sports? After a few weeks of total weirdness I gradually found myself noticing more and more normality without really trying.

Good luck, you'll remember it as a lovely precious time. I have two further DC but the babyhood of just me and DD was so special.

stubbornstains · 20/10/2013 16:53

How's your relationship with your parents? I went and stayed with them for a month- it was a godsend.

But I'll echo that it's not too bad- you just end up inhabiting a strange bubble with just you and the baby in. Try and get out to as many baby groups as you can, before you realise you've let yourself become completely isolated.

vichill · 20/10/2013 17:01

To be honest they're often not much use if around. My dd is 4 mths and dh has changed about 3 nappies, made me a fish finger sandwich for 7 nights in a row during the first week. You will find that you want to do most of the baby care so tell people doing bits of shopping, making meals and a bit of tidying will be most helpful. You will be fine..us women are remarkably strong and just get on with it..you're attitude of "right what now" a week after that bombshell proves that.

niceupthedance · 20/10/2013 17:28

My mum came to stay for two weeks. I also had a doula, who I found through the Doula UK site. She was a trainee, so a lot cheaper.

When everyone went home I coped fine. I think when there's no one else there it's just a 'get on with it' situation.

Three years later we are both still alive...

Original poster

Mummy2014 · 20/10/2013 18:32

Thank you all for your replies.

I'm lucky my family are really close & have some amazing friends, so very lucky in that respect.

He wants to still pop round of an evening, feel the baby kicking & then sod off to the pub or do whatever is more important, which I'm guessing is OW.

Bulk cooking of food is a defo in the next week or so :)

Do I allow him at the birth? Do I keep in contact with him? Do I let him stay over when baby is born? It's all so confusing & I'm the only one who can answer :-/
It's so frustrating that my life has changed completely & his remains exactly the same! Men!!

A very true saying, a mother becomes a mother when she's pregant, a father is a father when he meets his child - I think this could be true in my case.

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 20/10/2013 18:37

You will be at your most vulnerable, and equally most powerful when you are giving birth. I wouldn't have anyone in the room that I didn't trust 100%.

If you're hoping it will lead to some sort of epiphany of fatherhood, it wouldn't be worth any potential stress to you. He will feel the same seeing her a few hours after.

vichill · 20/10/2013 20:14

I agree with hawkmoth. Any negativity in the room will make it doubly stressful which will exacerbate the pain and your natural coping mechanisms.Be selfish and don't people please. Doesn't sound like he has earned the privelege to be part of something as amazing as birth anyway.

starlight1234 · 20/10/2013 20:24

My husband now ex was in the room...I wished he wasn't I was having to calm him down because he felt useless.. Is this the person you would like to be there to support you?

I also wouldn't want him round touching my bump every night...I do think however if he can build a relationship with baby will be a good thing....This is your body right now...If it feels uncomfortable don't allow it.

honey86 · 20/10/2013 21:55

i couldnt have my ex in the room, hes caused too much hurt already. i couldnt allow him to see me in pain, i wouldnt wana give him the satisfaction. id prob scream obscenities at him anyway lol x

bluebeardsbabe · 20/10/2013 22:05

I was stubborn and was going to do it all on my own, thank God I didn't. I moved back in with my mum and she was a Godsend. I was ill after the birth and totally shellshocked (first one) and could not have done it alone. To be fair I did all the nights etc but just to have someone to cook me food, support me, hold dd a couple of times to allow me to shower etc. Whether you feel comfortable with your ex or can move in with a family member I say do it!

My ex didn't want to be anywhere near me at the birth. He came to the first scan and then changed his tune. Then told me giving birth is unatural and he couldn't support me!! (hmmm what was that about twat of the year nominations, surely giving birth is the most natural thing in the world).

Anyhoot, I digress. Have someone you feel comfortable with in the house for a good few weeks if possible.

Sending you supportive hugs. You won't really know how you got through it, but you will!

Seth · 21/10/2013 22:21

It sounds like everyone has quite different experiences and as you say OP only you can decide.

Ex DH did want to be there at the birth bit as others say, I felt so vulnerable and didn't want someone who I was no longer in a relationship with where I felt comfortable being naked , out of control possibly in the room with me. At the birth I had my 2 closest friends. It was a lovely empowering experience and having had my then DH there for the first birth of my DD , there is no comparison. My two friends had both been through childbirth, they knew me really well and I felt very safe with them..unlike how I felt about my H after he walked out.

Good luck -my advice would be only do what you do and to not do anything just because you feel you should. This is too important for you not to make your own choices.

By the way, 3.5 years on and my ex have a very strong relationship with our DS despite having never lived in the same house. It can work if you can put your own pain and differences aside in time ( we still have many)

Good luck .

lilysept1980 · 29/10/2013 19:51

My husband left when I was 4 months pregnant and I'm now mummy to a beautiful 8 week old. He offered to be at the birth but I had my mum instead - as others have said I wanted to be with people who support me and love me, not someone who can behave how he has. For the first two weeks my mum stayed with me which let me sleep as I was so exhausted after a lengthy labour. I let him visit everyday for around an hour during his 'paternity leave' and it was such a relief when that ended and we moved to more arranged contact times I.e twice a week.

Like others have said batch cook so meals are easy, let friends pick up your shopping and grab some sleep when you can.

Only you can decide what is right for you...I promise you it's not as scary as you think it will be and when I hold my baby I know I'm the lucky one as I see her everyday. He almost became irrelevant as she is my focus and it is easier now to have a reasonable relationship with him in the long run.

Good luck x

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