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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

EX instructing me to make my plans to 'reflect the DC's needs'

27 replies

chocoreturns · 04/09/2013 14:48

Because he wants to return them early on his weekend, and I'll be travelling back from visiting friends, so I asked him to arrange for his mum or someone else to help out. I'll be a 3.5 hour drive away and won't be there to collect them 2 hours early. He sees them for 48 hours a fortnight, never any more. 2 overnights a month. This is his choice.

I just needed a little rant and some sympathy about how arrogant and impossible he is, its crap when the father of your DC literally doesn't give a shit about them day to day. XH thinks it's my job to raise them, his privillege to play with them when he can be arsed.

I've made the mistake of asking for help with a big purchase once before and was told to budget better. Now, on his weekend, he expects me to change my plans to be home for them early so he doesn't have to change his own.

It's just the unbelievable wankerishness of him telling me that I should make my plans to reflect their needs, as if I don't do this every single day!!! It's him who is more or less invisible when they actually need something!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

OP posts:

Mumof3xx · 04/09/2013 14:51

I didn't want to read and run but can't offer advice only sympathy
I'm new to being a lone parent and haven't yet faced anything like this!

mistlethrush · 04/09/2013 14:52

What would happen if you didn't change your plans?

'Sorry, X, your requested hours are .... and I have therefore arranged to be away and will not be available before .... to care for the DCs. They will be in your care until that time as it it the agreed contact time, and you need to make sure they are safe and well-looked after, even if you choose to ask your mother to do it for you.'

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2013 14:54

Sympathy and for you. Too many of these wankers out there, I'm finding (from friends). :(

burberryqueen · 04/09/2013 14:55

what mistlethrush said - do that or it will be the thin end of the wedge

Original poster

chocoreturns · 04/09/2013 14:57

thank you, good advice. I may also call his mum (who I have a good relationship with) to prepare the ground for that one. It's just really hard not to want to punch him in the face sometimes for being such a douche.

thanks for the !!

OP posts:

TheGirlFromIpanema · 04/09/2013 14:58

Tell him to plan better

and then just don't be there.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 04/09/2013 17:07

Tough. He sorts childcare during his contact times if you can't be there to accomodate his changes of plans. You are not a babysitter.

balia · 04/09/2013 18:00

Thank him for reminding you to consider the children's needs. As evidence shows that what children of separated parents need is regular, consistent quality contact with the non-resident parent, you will be two hours late home.

The fucker.

lostdad · 04/09/2013 19:59

As his parents you are both able to act in your DC's be interests. You are able to haggle, compromise and work together to achieve this.

Regular contact is in your DC's best interests - not whatever fits around his (or your) life. Some flexibility is OK of course...life isn't always predictable but where ever reasonable possible there should be structure.

From your post, I'd say `What Balia says'.

grumpydwarf · 04/09/2013 21:40

I feel your pain and could have written your post. It's horrible to know the other "parent" thinks they are super dad for giving up 48 hrs a month. I have the same! Sympathy here x

Redoubtable · 04/09/2013 21:49

Oh lord choco, I could have written your post. Another 'superdad' who takes them overnight for 2 nights per month; often delegating that joyful task to his mother (from whom he learnt that women exist to indulge and revolve around him) as he is 'so busy/stressed/tired/deserves one night out'.

But I've learned not to engage.
If I agreed to come back 2 hours early (and I have made that mistake) then it becomes the norm that he changes times to suit himself.
If I dont, then I'm being inflexible.

As lostdad says, one should be able to haggle and compromise for the children's best interest, but there are men for whom contact with the children is another weapon in the war against their mother.

It seems that you are in the latter situation.

I use the MN classic 'No'....it is a complete sentence

DollyTwat · 04/09/2013 21:58

My sympathies, my ex does this too. In fact he's gone as far as to say if I'm not there he'll call social services to say I've abandoned them before. Seriously!
You can't win with a fuckwit of this magnitude. Don't respond to his texts. Keep repeating the same thing to him about his times etc

I'd put money on him being able to sort something out and bringing them back late.

lostdad · 05/09/2013 13:13

The main principle is `the best interests of the child'.

I've watched my ex insist on sitting in the cold while it rained rain with our son on her lap rather than allow him son to get in my car (with or without her!) because it isn't time for `my' contact.

That's an extreme example of inflexibility when it's better to be.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 05/09/2013 21:52

the silly thing is the inflexibility is all one way. When he cancels contact or is late etc there's nothing I can do about it, so I just have to deal with it, which I do without any fuss in front of the kids. But when he demands to bring them back home early, it feels like there's nothing at all I can do. I feel so bad for the kids that he is such a shit in the first instance, and also a bit worried that he'll put them through the misery of sitting around waiting in the car ("Mummy can't be bothered to come home" stuff) to make his point. I have bent over backwards to make sure he sees them regularly, because I honestly believe it's best for them to know him. However I question my own sanity sometimes as it's such a one way thing - and I do wonder if I'd just been unhelpful whether he'd have buggered off completely. I don't mean that's what I want, I just mean it really highlights to me that I'm the only one making suggestions, running around, encouraging etc. And that sucks.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 06/09/2013 01:43

Choco, that's just his way of making sure that you know he's still "the boss of you". He knows full well that you will not let the DC suffer, and he plays on that. He, otoh, is quite happy to use them as pawns in his powergames with you - which shows how little he thinks of them and their feelings.

I often wonder with arses like this whether it IS worth keeping them in the DC's lives - it doesn't give the DC a very good example of how to behave, or a feeling of self-worth. But at least you'll have the knowledge that you tried to keep him included, so they'll not be able to reproach you for that. And when they're old enough, they might decide that he's too much of an arse and not bother with him any more by their own choice.

I bet, if you said you were staying out those extra 2h, he would actually consider dumping the children on the doorstep and leaving them there, showing you up for being a bad parent - when he can't see that he would be the one abandoning them, not you.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 06/09/2013 10:01

so I made the mistake of trying to talk to him and sort things out, improve communication etc. He says he can't see any reason why I'm not 'professional' with him and clearly thinks leaving me pregnant with DS1 for OW, then doing sweet FA to show any consideration to me thereafter, is irrellevant.

His 'solution' is for the children to move in with him and OW full time and for me to see them 48 hours a fortnight instead, or stop complaining about how hard I have it. I don't ever complain, I've simply asked him to step up a bit more :( its just so hopeless sometimes. I can't see him ever showing me any respect as a human being let alone the mother of his children.

It just makes me want to give up. Then I get terrified he'll suddenly decide to rip everything that I've built up for them apart and demand 50.50 after never spending more than 8 hours in a day once a week with either of them since DS1 was barely 18 months old. He plays on my fear of losing them and I know it, I just don't know how to deal with it.

I feel so low and fed up today.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocoreturns · 06/09/2013 10:04

oh, and for the record, because I know that people will tell me that 50.50 should be the 'norm' I have offered again and again for him to see them more and do everything possible to give them time with him as well as routine. He doesn't want it. He only wants to hurt me. If he genuinely wanted to spend time with them he would use his annual leave and days off to be with them, ask me when they are free, offer to be with them. He doesn't do any of that. His annual leave is spent going diving with his gf and his days off are 'his time to relax'. The idea that he'll move them in with him and OW is purely designed to strike the fear of god into me. I hate that it's effective :(

OP posts:

burberryqueen · 06/09/2013 10:06

Original poster

chocoreturns · 06/09/2013 10:08

thank you x

OP posts:

WithConfidence · 06/09/2013 10:13

It's not fair but what you have to do is give up any hope of him becoming reasonable. Accept he is a twat and is looking for any opprtunity to hurt and upset you. Actually expect him to react in the most unreasonable way whenever there is an issue. Then if he is remotely decent it will come as a pleasant surprise.

And then get on with your life. Just because he said he wanted them full time doesn't mean he would get it.

Are you keeping a diary - his annual leave etc.

burberryqueen · 06/09/2013 10:16

I know how it is choco...my ex has not bothered with the kids for years but loves to tell people how I 'prevent him from seeing them' - so all those train journeys at my expense where he would leave us waiting at the station or not turn up and switch his phone off were a product of our fevered imaginations I suppose.
These kind of ..ahem.. men just want to use their kids for their own agenda, not rreallly spend time with them. He thinks nothing of making an arrangement for the weekend and cancelling at the last minute.
Having not seen one of them for about a year and the other for about three years, he invites them to his 'sometime in August' for a BBQ cos his sister is coming over.....so we were supposed to leave August open just in case this actually happened.....just so he could 'be the daddy' in front of his stupid sister and her rotten toothed children.
grrrr

burberryqueen · 06/09/2013 10:17

oh the sister decided not to come over so that was the end of that...

Bonsoir · 06/09/2013 10:18

Do you have a court order with return times? He should be keeping to them if so.

feelingdizzy · 06/09/2013 10:36

This is hard I have done this with my Exh for 10 years ! People always tell you to compromise ,do what is best for the kids ,which of-course you should do.
However no-one tells you what to do when your ex is simply a twat, it's difficult but you have to deal with the situation as it is. Only you can decide ,probably here I would offer the choice of keeping them for the agreed time or not at all.

These things are often about control ,my ex happily has the kids if he thinks I working but if he thinks I am going out he would change arrangements to make it more difficult.

Sadly my eldest 11 ,after all my efforts to maintain a relationship with her father ,just doesn't like him or want to be with him. He has now decided to emigrate.

Original poster

chocoreturns · 06/09/2013 16:16

No court order, only private arrangements, all of which have been instigated by me.

I saw my doctor today and he's arranging for some conselling. He says he thinks I am suffering stomach aches/asthma flare up and exhaustion due to the stress I'm under and has made it clear he thinks the only way of improving things is to get as far away from the man as possible. He actually reminded me that the only times I've not been unwell in the past 18 months have been when the ex wasn't in contact :( how sad is that? I need to get a grip on things and sort it out. It shouldn't be affecting me so much.

Sometimes I wake up and wonder how on earth we met, married and had children in the first place. Was I so completely blind??

Anyway before this turns into a total pity party for one I just want to say thank you for all the sympathy and support xx

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