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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Have just become a single parent and need advice please

15 replies

Sasquatch75 · 04/08/2013 20:32

It's still all so surreal as things only came to light less than 2 months ago that DH wasn't happy. He had said a couple of things over the last year but I didn't take him seriously :( And then suddenly he started going out a lot with work and staying out very late on 2 occasions... then he started crying a lot and eventually became distant and said he didn't think he loved me anymore. Anyway, that's my story :( We have 3 young children - I'm so cross he won't give it another try just for their sakes. The oldest is only 6!

I don't work so will now have to claim benefits. Can someone please explain to me how it all works please? Can I sort it out over the phone/online or do I have to go somewhere in town for an interview or something?

Do I have to get a solicitor involved? DH is very cut up about leaving the children and has left me a credit card to do online food shopping with, and I still have the joint bank card but he wants me to get my own bank account asap.

I still can't believe this has happened to us when we used to be so happy! We were together for 12 years. When will the pain get better?!!

OP posts:

cjel · 04/08/2013 21:52

The pain will get better, slowly over time and you will have lovely days and days that are difficult.. I would strongly advise that you get some legal advice straight away,dh has responsibility to your children as well and although I don't want to worry you, he may stop credit card at any moment and close bank account. You think he won't but please listen to me he will not always be this helpful and it will be good if you are pro active, he is already trying to tell you what to do by getting your own bank account.

I don't want to add to your crap but he has probably done more to organise his finances than you realise. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't OW already waiting from him..The best advice I can give is to not trust him at all, if he is honest it will be a surprise, but a man who leaves his dcs is not telling you the whole story.

I would just add that the pain really does get better and that you will be able to cope more than you think it really isn't that hard.

Overtheraenbow · 04/08/2013 22:20

I second what Chelsea says go to a solicitor ASAP ( lots have free 1st consultation )
Things can become acrimonious very quickly my ex was helpful and accommodating until his OW reveal after that he had nothing to hide or lose and suddenly became a stranger to me ( after 23 years together) and money became a big issue. Open that account and transfer enough to cover you .

The benefits thing is a bit demoralising but I found them all to be really great sympathetic ( that could have been due to me blubbing in every office and phone call) the hardest thing was recounting the story again and again! Perhaps get a friend / family to go with you ( I refused but think it may have helped)! Don't forget tax credits ( I wasn't aware I was entitled to them for a while so missed out over a months worth) .
Good luck and if you need more advice/ support keep posting ((hug)) it WILL get better!

Lackedpunchesforever · 04/08/2013 22:20

From a purely practical point of view, I would second the need for your own bank account. IME it is very rare for a man to just walk away unless there is another woman involved and very soon, he (egged on by her) may start to feel less guilty and that places you in a very vulnerable position financially. If you ring tax credits in the morning, they will be able to talk you through claiming as a lone parent. Am not sure about other benefits but I think that there are lone parent advisors based in job centres who will be able to advise.

Otherwise, I would suggest reposting on the Relationships forum where lots of wise people will be able to help you through the emotional issues. Stay strong - you are the stable, strong parent and the centre of your kids world - look after yourself, take one day ata time and you WILL get through this.

Overtheraenbow · 04/08/2013 22:20

Chelsea ?? Cjel !

cjel · 04/08/2013 22:25

Chelsea/cjel I'll answer to most things!!!!

freemanbatch · 04/08/2013 22:25

I was in your position exactly one year ago today, so first things first I want you to know that although from your position a year looks a long time away when you get here and look back it will feel like no time and you will feel very proud of yourself for all that you've sorted and how your life has improved

Financially

you need to set up a bank account in just your name as quickly as possible so that you have somewhere for your money to go that he can't get hold of.

ring income support in the morning, they will send you a form out but they will register the start date as the day you ring as long as you get it straight back to them so you won't lose out on money when its in the post.

ring tax credits, if you have a joint claim ongoing you need to cancel it and start a single claim. I did all that over the phone and I had some money within a week.

contact the council and ask how you apply for single person discount and council tax benefit, I applied online but all councils are different.

If you have a mortgage to pay include details of that on the income support form because after a 13 week waiting period you can get help towards that. If you rent the council will tell you how to claim housing benefit.

If you have a child under 4 you will automatically receive a form about healthy start vouchers when your tax credit claim is sorted and you just need a health visitor to sign it once its filled in and send it back. You will also receive an NHS tax credit exemption card to cover prescriptions, dentists and opticians.

Agree a maintenance figure with your ex and have him transfer that to your account each month. do not use his credit card, get your own for use online so you have control and he doesn't know what you're spending. You have to remember that from now on its none of his business what you spend your money on so don't tell him and try to find someone else to ask for advice about things so you are not tempted to ask his opinion.

You don't have to get a solicitor right now, they cost money and right now you just need to get sorted unless there is a reason he may play funny in the short term. If you think he'll be reasonable for now then concentrate on other things and deal with the solicitors and divorce later although you do need to accept his decision and not hope for a reconciliation because that will hold you back from moving on in the way you want to.

Good luck with it all and remember that there are some amazing people around here who will help and support you through this time and who will be happy for you with every step you take towards the future you deserve to have

cjel · 04/08/2013 22:28

Sorry you've been through it all recently as well, but I would go to solicitor straight away, most do free 1st session and it will be enough to just get the right advice on what to do legally.xx

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 04/08/2013 22:45

Does OW mean other woman? I have asked him about that and he's denied it and I believed him... He's staying with his friend for now until he finds somewhere to rent. If he has found someone else I guess it'd make sense as I can't understand why he wouldn't give 'us' another try.

Thanks for all the advice! It's so scary having to sort it all out when I'm feeling so sad... Have to stay strong for the DCs though :(

OP posts:

cjel · 04/08/2013 22:49

Yes OW is other woman and I believed my at first and during the three months after he said it was and he wouldn't see her again. He lied. We were together from the age of 15 and married for over 30. Like I said act as if hes lying then be surprised if hes not

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 04/08/2013 23:03

Oh that's so awful! Men are so horrible sometimes :(

I'm worried about the mortgage as it's so much money. DH has never been good with money despite earning quite a bit... Has to have all the latest gadgets etc. So our mortgage is £800 a month! Am stressed about that and really don't want to move...

OP posts:

cjel · 05/08/2013 08:25

don't stress yourself, it will be better than you think, I moved to rented because I didn't want to have to ask him for money!! If its any comfort our mortgage was 2300 a month

SnoopyLovesYou · 05/08/2013 09:16

Oh I really feel for you!

Big hug ((((O)))))

Have been in a similar position very recently too. You probably don't feel like moving house straight away. I didn't move but it's a good idea in some ways as it helps you to make a fresh start rather than being constantly reminded of your ex's absence. I think I needed the solid ground under my feet to cope though. I too was bewildered and sad and depressed as I was coping with a lot of negative and nasty behaviour from my ex at the time. Do what you have to do. Ask the benefits office about your mortgage etc and they may advise you. A free consultation with a solicitor might be useful for finances alone. You'll be entitled to legal aid so you won't have to pay for a solicitor... Keep posting.

Look after yourself!!

SnoopyLovesYou · 05/08/2013 09:16

Oh I really feel for you!

Big hug ((((O)))))

Look after yourself!!

newboo · 05/08/2013 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 06/08/2013 06:44

Yes I do feel stronger these last few days since he left... :)

Tried phoning tax credits yesterday but gave up as I was on hold for so long and the kids were fighting! So difficult now it's the summer holidays. Only have my mum around and she still works full time. Will try again as soon as they open.

OP posts:

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