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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Father hasn't seen ever seen daughter

24 replies

Confused40 · 19/07/2013 23:41

We broke up when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't want dd saying I should abort. Said he'd have no contact when baby was born etc. Had no contact throughout pregnancy, he ignored my calls and texts. After dd born he replied to text I sent with photos and details saying his mother has just passed away and that he hopes we are both ok.
That was 6 weeks ago.
I rang him two days ago and he didn't answer.
I don't know what to do? He has a daughter he hasn't seen and I don't know if he will ever want to see her?
What do I do? Turn up at his house? Contact his older daughter (26, he had her when he was very young)?
Or just leave it? I'd like dd to have a r/s with her father and really don't understand why he's behaving like this??

OP posts:

LollyLaDrumstick · 19/07/2013 23:51

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LollyLaDrumstick · 19/07/2013 23:52

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Graciescotland · 19/07/2013 23:53

I don't think you can force him to be involved. I would put in a claim to CSA so you receive support. Perfectly reasonable to contact daughter she's an adult and can have a relationship with your DD if she'd like to.

Original poster

Confused40 · 19/07/2013 23:55

Surprisingly he is a social worker for adults with disabilities. A supposedly caring man huh?

OP posts:

WhistlingNun · 19/07/2013 23:58

Confused - Please stop chasing this man. It's just making him feel important. It's making him feel as though you need something from him, it's making him feel in control.

My dd is now 5 and hasn't seen her dad since she was 2 weeks old. In fact, the other day he walked right by me and dd without saying a word (although he did give dd a very sad, lingering stare). We live in the same town. DD didn't know who he was. I felt sick. She had just walked by her father and hadn't realised. He was just another pedestrian in her eyes.

Anyway, i also would wish my daughter had a relationship with her father. But i want him to want a relationship with her, not be forced into one.

Despite his lack of interest in his daughter, i've fought hard over the years for him to provide financially. He now has a detachment of earnings order via CSA due to his failure to voluntarily contribute anything.

Please, please, please ensure you contact CSA to get onto this man.

And then focus on your own well being.

So long as you're a happy and confident single parent, your daughter will not miss out.

betterthanever · 20/07/2013 11:31

Lolly is right about this guy - please keep all correspondence OP because if he changes his mind years later when you have a new established life -you can bet you bottom dollar he will rewrite history - claim to only just know he has a child, that you have lied to him, deceived him with it all - never told him anything or told him lies/ refused contact. Contacting the CSA usually gets them to want contact but the motivation is then sometimes wrong and it is not always in the child's interest to have that type of contact which is usually to get his monies worth or to have a go at you.
The law does not protect you/DC - lawyers use the `right of the child to have a relationship with both parents' to enable parents to ask for contact at any time, under any circumstances - so if he turned up years later and took you to court there would be little you could do to stop contact and have your lives turned upside down. This for me is when real upset to a DC is caused. Yes I sadly speak from experience.
I know this isn't really what you are posting about but I felt the same at the time over 8 years ago and something I never thought to worry about is causing me and my DS real problems now.
Hopefully I have a meeting at Westminster soon as I am looking for the system to be changed to protect children. At least my initial concerns are being looked into by people in authority at the top.

swallowedAfly · 20/07/2013 11:39

my ds's father has never seen him. he's 6.

he was ecstatic when i found out i was pregnant because i'd already broken up with him and he thought that would be magically undone by my being pregnant and now i'd have to let him move into my home and be with me. he stalked me for months till he finally got it through his head that whilst he was totally going to have access and full involvement with the child i was never going to get back with him. once he realised that he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy and has never seen his son.

i waited till ds was 4 years old before claiming child support which in retrospect was incredibly daft of me. the reason i did do it in the end was the fear of ds going to find this man when he was older and him claiming he wasn't the father and ds being the one to have to deal with it all. i decided it was me who needed to deal with it. predictably he did try to deny ds was his son (by this point he'd knocked up another home owning professional only this one was daft enough to marry him so i think the denial was for her benefit so he didn't have to hold his hands up and say yep i'm a tosser who has never met his child despite constant offers) and was made to take a dna test. that means whatever happens in the future it is all there in black and white and he can't use the denial crap to screw with my son's head later on.

you need to give up on the idea you can make someone be involved in their child's life emotionally or physically but you do need to make a csa claim and quick so that it is all established. yes the money is important but so too is having a clear trail of who he is, where he is and that he is indeed the father so that later when your child may wish to find him everything is there ready itms.

WeAreEternal · 20/07/2013 11:46

You can't force him to have a relationship with your DD.

Let him know that the door is open should he want to build a relationship. That's all you can do.

And don't go contacting his adult DD, that is totally unreasonable.

kooksi · 20/07/2013 14:06

Like the others have said .. you can't force it, but not like the others have said ... shut the door. Move on, enjoy being Mum, make friends with single parents .. find groups ... maybe join gingerbread if they're in your area ..

If your daughter wants to find him when shes older then support her ... but for now carry on like he doesn't exist ...

Original poster

Confused40 · 21/07/2013 06:19

Thank you for all your comments, advice and own personal outlines. It's made me realise dd will be fine with just me. Was speaking with my sister earlier and spoke about how he might get annoyed if I contact CSA and to wait until I move house. Part of me doesn't even want to contact the CSA. We've survived without him until now. I've bought everything for dd, he's not contributed towards anything. When dd is older he'll have to be the one explaining why he wasn't there. Dd will know that I'll be consistent throughout. I think contacting his dd, will severely annoy him, even though she is dd's sister. Some things are best left well alone. Again dd father will have to be the one explaining in time to come why he's denied them bonding and forming a r/s.

OP posts:

kooksi · 21/07/2013 09:31

I only take csa money from the bio that stuck around and has monthly visits. The one that didn't I take nothing, because they are nothing to us ..

swallowedAfly · 21/07/2013 11:26

yes confused BUT he can turn round to dd and say i didn't think you were mine or deny that she is his and then it will be HER who ends up having to deal with that and prove it. the csa means he either pays thereby acknowledging parentage or he denies parentage and is made to a dna test which then proves it. for me that was the issue. the awareness that when ds (if i guess rather than when - that's me projecting because i know that if it was me i'd want to meet them and get answers) goes to find this man i don't want him to be able to give him the runaround and spin a tale of denial. it's worth bearing in mind.

Original poster

Confused40 · 21/07/2013 23:35

Thank you swallowedafly. I totally hadn't considered that at all. I'd hate for dd to one day contact her father and he deny paternity. She looks like him, and he knows she is his daughter. The whole situation is so sad. I never thought I'd be in this position, and it's painful. Dd is lying down next to me and looking adorable, as usual. Why can't her father share her joy and be there for her? It's so sad. I'd truth me known, I miss him. We used to get on so well and I miss that. As soon as I told him I was pregnant he totally changed. That was the last time I saw him, and the last time I spoke to him too.
As in typing this I'm also thinking 'feckless fool!'. How dare he behave like this and not want to see his daughter. But, as others have said, I can't force him to have a r/s with dd and he has chosen not to. He'll have her to answer to in years to come. Right now she has her older brother and mother and other family and friends who absolutely adore her
I feel totally blessed to have her in my life and she has brought an abundance of joy. Something he is missing out on and we are thoroughly enjoying

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 28/07/2013 18:34

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this Op. I don't have advice on what to do but I thought I would share my DS and niece story. My DS was in exactly the same situation as you. My gorgeous nieces father was a loser who left my DS when she fell pregnant. He only turned up to put his name on birth certificate. His never seen or paid a penny towards her up bringing. My gorgeous niece is now 16 years old. She is a gorgeous well adjusted, well brought up and bright young lady. Her fathers absence has not affected her negatively and she is aware we will share whatever she wants to know about her father. She has not asked or shown any interest as yet. I am so proud of her.. You and your DD don't need him. You will be fine and so will your DD, just like my gorgeous niece..

All the best for the future Op.

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/07/2013 05:59

Thank you littlepeapod. That's reassuring x

OP posts:

buthow · 29/07/2013 07:50

I'm really sorry OP I know how painful this is coz I'm also pregnant and he has told me flat out he wants nothing or any involvement with my child and is moving back to his country it will be hard to find him when he does.... I kept hoping he will come back after delivery perhaps after I send a picture of DC, but since yoz ddnt care I'm sure mine won't give a damn eigther. He is more heartless.

I'm glad u have a healthy baby and all is going well for you at the moment. Let's leave these men they are certainly not worth the effort. They dnt understand the importance of family and that makes them fools and cowards. sending hugs n kisses to dd and you

BlackeyedSusan · 29/07/2013 11:51

contact the csa. it is dd's money and she deserves it.

writing to his dd should be ok. she might be interested in her sister. I would not pressure her though, and I would get advice on how to do it gently.

ThePortlyPinUp · 29/07/2013 11:58

I split up with dd1's bio father when I was 6 months pregnant, he met someone else quickly and married her and had another 4 dc's. he has never seen dd1, never contacted me about her and I didn't claim any CSA from him. She is now 11 and starting high school and a bright brilliant girl, she knows that dp who she calls dad isn't the dad that put her in my belly but he is the one who has always loved and provided for her. I know every family is different but I just wanted to tell you that sometimes no contact does work out well :)

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/07/2013 18:36

Thank you all so much. I've been stressing so much on whether or not to contact dd sister. I wonder what reaction dd father will have. I also don't know how to approach it and what to say?
As for contacting the CSA I have no idea how to do it? That's something I'll have to look into. I'm enjoying dd so much and really don't want her father to upset our enjoyment of one another.
I know we can manage on our own and I'd love dd father to be involved, but worry if this will come at a cost

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2013 09:53

confused tbh my top bit of advice to you right now would be to give yourself time. you don't have to decide any of these things right now and how you feel about it will evolve and change over time.

only thing you have to do right now is bond with your baby, take care of the two of you and keep life as calm and peaceful and positive for you both as possible and do what works for you, for now.

Original poster

Confused40 · 30/07/2013 21:13

Thank you swallowedAfly that's very sound advice. My mind is obviously not as focused as it usually would be a there is emotion involved. I'm loving bonding with dd and don't want anything to interfere with it.
Time is a great healer and I'll just give it time and see how I feel. Dd is only 8 weeks old and I want to enjoy this early and lovely stage with her stress free

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 31/07/2013 08:57

there is a lot of emotion involved at this point as you're feeling such love for your new baby and it is all very intense. if you're anything like me you'll be very much in mumma lion mode and feeling like you have to sort out everything in the world for that perfect baby who deserves everything and it's ALL down to you to sort and sort right now.

that point does ease off somewhat without meaning to sound patronising or anything?

it is very early days. see how you feel in 6 months time. sounds ages i know but it is a tiny amount of time in the scale of becoming a mother, having a totally dependent child to look after etc.

really glad you're enjoying her feel lucky for that and put other worries to one side for now knowing there is plenty of time to come back to them.

swallowedAfly · 31/07/2013 08:59

i do mean 'feel lucky for that' btw. lots of women have real difficulties in bonding with and enjoying their baby in the early days. it isn't automatic so the two of you really are of to a great start and are blessed with it going well. enjoy x

Original poster

Confused40 · 31/07/2013 13:56

Thank you swallowedAfly
I have and am still bonding with dd and she is a little treasure. I love sitting with her and talking to her and seeing how she responds by smiling and cooing and gurgling, it's pure magic. I realise some women don't bond and I'm lucky. From the minute dd was born in a water birth, I was the first to hold her and have been nurturing her since x

OP posts:

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