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Original poster

should I let ex partner see my daughter..

14 replies

joellie183 · 04/07/2013 21:19

Hi,

My partner of 4 years has recently left but is asking to still see my 8 year old dd. She doesnt see her bioloigal dad, his choice, and has always thought of my ex as her dad. It just feels weird to me to let them see each other.
Also I am 10 weeks pregnant so obviously in the future he will see this baby and don't know how my dd would feel about him having baby but not her.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 04/07/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EagleRiderDirk · 04/07/2013 21:33

I think its lovely he wants to be involved still, I know too many people who's exes want nothing to do with their biological kids. I would guess at 8 your DD can well express herself to you so if she's happy and unless you're worried about his behaviour, I'd say let it happen.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 04/07/2013 22:19

I think that its lovely he wants to be involved and it would be nice to let them see each other as long as there are no safety concerns. One of my parents male friends was in the same situation (without the new baby coming too though) and as far as I know, they still see each other as father and son ten years later.

purpleroses · 05/07/2013 10:05

Yes, I think it would be very harsh on your DD to say that the man who's been like a dad to her for more or less as long as she can remember isn't going to see her any more. And as you say, he'll end up with contact with the new baby anyway (who he doesn't yet have a relationship with) and that would feel even more hurtful to her. So as long as your DD is happy with the idea, there's no reason not to let him have contact. I've known other ex-step dads stay in contact. Can be like a nice bonus person in the DC's life.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2013 11:17

Basically, the person whose feelings matter the most is your DD. So (unless he is dangerous) then agree to him seeing her just as if he were her bio-dad. He's been her father-figure for several years, it's not her fault that your relationship has come to an end and if she will miss him then it's in her benefit to see him, and it's nice that he wants to continue seeing her. Blood-relationship isn't everything, after all.

HopHopHoppitySplash · 05/07/2013 14:27

i think also it may be better for the baby to have big sister there especially for the early years, so it's not so much of a change going with dad.

Droflove · 06/07/2013 07:34

You have to do whats best for your daughter and if in her mind he is her father, then I would be supporting that relationship going forward. Also the less you point out things to her like that he isn't her father, new baby isn't her full sister, the better I think. Those are adult issues.

Original poster
joellie183 · 06/07/2013 09:52

thanks all for your replies!

He is of no threat to her and has been an amazing father to her and like people have pointed out, she doesn't know any different. she is aware he isn't her 'real' dad so to speak but always tell her he is more of a dad to her than the one who made her!

I will arrange things with him to see her. Think my main concern was him letting her down at somepoint as he obviously doesn't have to have anything to do with her but I suppose that could still happen if he was her biological dad.

new to this site but it's great Smile and its nice to get views from others.

thank you all x

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2013 11:12

Just because your couple-relationship has ended doesn't make him a bad father or a bad person. If he's a nice man then it's good for the DD to have another loving, decent adult in her life (really, DC can't have too many nice, loving adults in their lives). In time, you and him will probably be able to become good friends. Best of luck.

Original poster
joellie183 · 06/07/2013 22:54

Thank you solid. Although heartbroken he has left we are still getting on well and hopefully it will end up with us being able to save our relationship or as you said being good friends.
we spoke on the phone for over a hour last night and I told him no matter what happens I will not stop him seeing my dd as long as she wants too.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/07/2013 11:29

Actually, him wanting to maintain the relationship with DD is a good sign. A man who would want to see the baby but not his stepdaughter would be a selfish bellend demonstrating that other people's feelings don't matter.

Devora · 07/07/2013 11:53

I'm glad you are going to continue their relationship.

My biological father left when I was a small child. All through my childhood, my mum tried to keep the relationship going. About twice a year there would be a big hoo-ha that he was coming over, then 9 times out of 10 he didn't bother. I could barely have spotted him in the street. In fact, I thought he was Paul McCartney (and used to tell my friends at school this!)

I also had a stepfather for some years. He was crap to my mum, but I loved him. When they split (I was 12) he moved just down the road but there was no attempt to keep contact going. He was just a huge part of my life one day - gone forever the next. I don't know whose choice that was.

It didn't make any sense to me then, and still doesn't, that the relationship that felt irrelevant to me was the one that got all the attention (pointlessly) whereas the one that actually meant something was treated by the adults as a non-issue. Blood is not thicker than water.

Ghostsgowoooh · 08/07/2013 09:33

yes let them see each other. Providing there are no safety concerns of course. I think its nice that he wants to see her.

My ex still sees my elder two who are not his. Ds will often go and see him in his house and play on the xbox with him and dd will sometimes go out for the day with him and my other 2 dd's who are ex's.

Original poster
joellie183 · 14/07/2013 20:46

Thank you so much for your replies.

Since posting this we have unfortunately found out I had a mmc and are having to deal with this too.

But we did talk and he said he would still want to see my dd and of course she wants this too! He works shifts which are all over the place so we can't actually say exactly when she will see him but has told me he will let me know week by week when he is free and has told her she can also ring him anytime.

Now just fingers crossed he doesn't let her down.

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