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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

i know what's going to happen here.

40 replies

Booyhoo · 24/05/2013 23:47

dcs are at their dad's. ds1 has his first football match tomorrow. i told exp by text (he doesn't answer my calls and we only interact by text) last week that the match was on and what time. i also reminded him yesterday. ds has got his new strip, his new gumshield and his boots all packed with him. ds phoned me 20 minutes ago to say goodnight! they are 3 and 7 years old and they will need to be up at 8am to get ds to the club on time for the bus to the match. exp knows all this. he didn't take them to training the last weekend he had them and it was later in the morning. i just know they'll all sleep in tomorrow and ds will miss his match. i told ds on the phone that he really needed to get to bed so he wouldn't be exhausted for football. he said he told his dad that already. so i told him just to take himself to bed and get some sleep.

i just know what's going to happen. and if by some miracle they do get up on time ds will be exhausted for the match. it's not big or important- he is only 7- but he is so excited about it as it's his first one. he will be gutted if he doesn't get to it.

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Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 11:35

well surprise surprise. they slept in and missed the match. and to put the icing on the cake exp told ds to lie to me about it.

OP posts:

IneedAyoniNickname · 25/05/2013 11:59

:( your poor ds
My ex is the same, ds2 has a party to go to tomorrow, and I bet he won't bother bringing them back in time :(

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 12:06

how do they justify this to themselves? my ds sounded so down on the phone. i can only imagine how he felt when he woke up and exp told him he couldn't go to the match!

i'm thinking im going to have to change contact so he's picking them up on saturday afternoons- after football is over. i cannot allow him to do this to them every other weekend.

OP posts:

NumTumDeDum · 25/05/2013 12:09

Does he ever explain why he does this? Is it deliberate because he resents having something fixed to do or is he just lazy and doesn't think it matters?

DoingItForMyself · 25/05/2013 12:12

Poor DS. So shit for him. I agree that if ex can't get him to his matches you could take him and get ex to collect him (if he can manage that!) It means you are doing an extra night of parenting and still doing the running around to bail out your lazy ex, but if it makes DS happy and you are willing then I would definitely suggest it.

DeskPlanner · 25/05/2013 12:13

I'd change contact if you can. How horrible he let's his son down like this. Your poor ds.

OrlaKiely · 25/05/2013 12:14

God, what a wanker. Does he want contact? I'd be stopping it if he behaved like this.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 25/05/2013 12:15

Booyhoo that's just unacceptable. I hate 'so-called' parents who behave like this. Your poor DS. It's part and parcel of being a parent, so if he doesn't want that responsibility he should be up front and honest about it and let you do that for your DS. I would def change contact start time so as to avoid this happening again in your shoes.

NumTumDeDum · 25/05/2013 12:16

Yes I definitely agree the contact should be changed.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 12:17

he is lazy and cant be bothered putting them to bed or getting up and organised to take them there. he never gives me a reason- ds said the last time they didn't go was because he had a cough this time he said they slept in. if these things were a one-ff i would totally accept it and believe he genuinley slept in or that he was worried ds had a cough but this is everytime. ds used to go to a different football club and every time exp had him on the saturday there woud be a 'reason' why he didn't go. ranging from: he forgot- he couldn't find his shorts-he was running late. there was a different excuse everytime. exp had them for a week while i was on holiday and they didn't go to any of their outside of school stuff because it would mean him doing something other than exactly what he wanted to do.

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Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 12:20

he says he wants contact. i have offered 50/50 but he says that doesn't suit as he works. so the EOW arrangement was what he wanted. i will happily do the running to football every week (i do the midweek sessions and the staurday sessions on my weekends anyway) and have them an extra night. that's no problem. at least then i know tehy are getting to their football. he can collect them after.

OP posts:

NumTumDeDum · 25/05/2013 12:23

I'd change the contact then. It is unacceptable. Is contact under a court order or agreed between you? If there's an order you'll need to apply to change it but there is sufficient reason to do so. Keep a diary of all this messing about so you have the dates to hand.

NumTumDeDum · 25/05/2013 12:24

X post. Fair enough, no order, then it needs to be changed to suit needs of the children.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 12:27

ok he has just gotten in touch and said he isn't sending our child away with a crowd of people he doesn't know! i have known these coaches for the past 4 years. some of them are teachers at DS's school! two of them take him for his midweek session and for PE!

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 25/05/2013 12:30

Pathetic excuses. If he had genuine concerns he should have spoken to you beforehand and not let your DS think he was going only to let him down so badly. I think you should change the contact start time.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 25/05/2013 12:31

He also could have, at any point, taken the time and effort to get to know these 'strangers'.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 12:38

well i have replied that i know them, they are his teachers etc and also pointed out that i raised no objections to him letting DS have a sleepover at his fiancee's parents' house without exp there as i trusted that he knew them and deemed them to be safe.

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 25/05/2013 12:52

Good points well made OP.

PurpleThing · 25/05/2013 12:57

Some people really dont give a shit about anyone else. If he cant be bothered to put them to bed eow, Id bet he just couldnt be bothered to get up and get somewhere on time.

He hasn`t raised any objections about ds going off with these strangers if YOU take him?

I`d be very pissed off about ds being told to lie to me. Make sure you talk to ds about that, never to keep secrets from you etc etc.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 13:03

no this is the first time ive heard of any objections to football coaches or anyone! ds goes off with the scouts and exp has never ever met them but no concerns mentioned there (im guessing because exp wasn't having to get up out of bed to drop him off for the trips)

i told ds on the phone that it's ok i wasn't angry with him at all and that it wasn't his fault that he missed football and i loved him. but i did say please dont lie. i will of course talk with him later on about that. it is so wrong to ask a child to lie to their parent. my mum used to ask me to lie to my dad about stuff-usually how much she had spent on things. i hated it and being an appalling liar i used to have panics about what questions he would ask. not nice at all to do that to a child.

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PurpleThing · 25/05/2013 13:32

Exactly, his sudden concern is just an excuse.

It`s not just not nice but actually dangerous to get him to keep secrets from you. The way to keep him safe when with strangers is to make sure he knows never to keep things from you, especially if someone is telling him to.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 13:37

yes of course. you are so right. and i've actually had the 'keeping secrets' talk with him aswell. i didn't think i'd had to worry about his dad asking him to keep secrets. should have expected it. he will do anything to save his own skin. i mean did he think i wouldn't find out? half of ds's class are in the team and there are official photos on the club's fb page of them at the match.

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Raaraathenoisybaby · 25/05/2013 22:16

Unbelievable. I am v on your behalf. Change the contact - it's in your ds best interests.

Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 22:48

as i have 'liked' the club's fb page, their updates appear on my newsfeed. they've uploaded a photo of the team at the match today all looking so happy. all ds's friends will be talking about it at school next week. arrgh. i am so fucking angry with him.

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Original poster

Booyhoo · 25/05/2013 22:56

oh and when ds was on the phone earlier today he said that dad was taking them fishing (i thought to make-up for missing football maybe?) then when he phoned this evening i asked if he caught anything and he said they didn't go because some of dad's friends arrived.

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