Contact advice for 14mo who doesn't really know dad.

[sillymillyb]

14 month old Ds sees his dad every 4-6 weeks. Contact so far has been at my house with me present but trying to leave them alone as much as poss (I potter in other rooms, go to soft plays and they play while I try and read a magazine etc)

Ds doesn't really have a clue who this man is, but is a friendly little dude so will chat to him so long as I am around. If I try and leave and he realises though he freaks - also, ds dad has always refused to change nappies etc so solo care is limited by this.

I don't trust Ds dad, but that is my personal issue, and his involvement to date has been sketchy. He is very good at appearing an amazing dad but doing fuck all to back it up.

So, how do I proceed? Ds dad wants to just take him on his own and thinks I am being over protective, I am aware that I might be, but the facts are that my son really doesn't know who this man is - and because the most he will visit is every 4-6 weeks, they have no chance to build up a relationship properly.

I just don't want my son to be upset, and he will be! I don't know how to proceed!

Any advice on monthly contact for a 14mo?

I would start with maybe an hour off to the park or somewhere near. Let him practice nappies with you there to help out and rescue him until he's confident.

Your Ex wont learn until he is left to do it himself and i expect the pressure of you watching makes him feel a bit nervous if things dont go to plan which often happens with a toddler crawling away halfway through a change!

Why does your Ex only have monthly contact? He needs more at this age to build a good foundation of trust with your DS so i would push for him to see your DS more often but in small but frequent doses.

I definitely wouldnt want my ex in my house and wouldnt expect him to want to be here tbh especially if he has a new partner which mine did!

The problem is is that he refuses to do nappies - apparently he is poo phobic He also refuses to visit more often, I have pushed for more and he now usually comes for the weekend rather than just the day (he lives in Ireland, but he is in England regularly for work so this isn't the hurdle he makes of it)

I don't want him in my house, although it worked well up till now when we were more civil, I just don't know where else it could be given the age of my ds and his needs.

Starting with an hour at the park is a good idea, I just hate the thought of my ds being upset - he has tantrums now starting early, how wonderful! and I can already envisage the nightmare me walking away will cause. It just feels wrong - at the moment - and I don't know how to proceed to placate everyone.

That makes it much harder if he is in Ireland, as for poopy bums, he needs to deal with that confidently before i'd let him out and about with DS. Sore bums are a No No!

I presume he gets a work rota of where he is going to be in advance so see if you can talk to him about it and arrange the small visits and explain why its important for his furure relationship with DS.

Its so hard thinking a long way ahead but at some point in the future it will be nice when you can get some free time from your DS even though you wont believe it now and it also fills the gaps your DS might have in the future. Try not to let your anxieties affect your DS and dont make a fuss when ex takes him off.

If you can keep things civil like you are doing it will pay off in the long run and your DS will hopefully benefit emotionally.

I wanted to stick a thousand pins in the face of my ex and felt physically sick handing DD over to the fuckwit wanking piece of shite faced nob head but i managed it and it did get better in time and i'm not a bitter woman who holds a grudge

I am glad i made the decisions i did but none of it has been easy. All of it has been done in DDs best interests and at the age of nearly 14 now i can see i got it mostly right!

The irony is that she loves her Dad but thinks he's a massive tosser at times. She's a great judge of character

He needs to change nappies (FFS, like you LOVE poo) before he can have him alone, he's not going to be potty trained for months and will still need help even when he is. And he needs to see him more often. For ds's benefit. Don't let him bully you into doing what he (dad) wants, you don't need to placate him, ds is the important one. If he doesn't like it, those are the things he can do to make it happen.

Also tantrums are normal at this age. Terrible Twos actually mean the second year of life, ie from 12 months onwards.

Is there someone else other than him who can support him...I got my Ex's mum to supervise access once I reached the point of refusal ..simply as while I didn't like her she had at least an idea how to change a babies bum and feed her..

I do think you need to challenge him on the poo issue.. Even toilet trained what happens when he needs help, has an accident or tummy bug...

Can you leave him in the house for an hour , go get some shopping, walk or even a coffee with a friends ? 6 weeks is a very long time in a child life for a 14mnths old