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Original poster

he's getting a court order....apparently

13 replies

Daisypops · 30/04/2013 21:22

Exdp and I seperated last October.

Years of EA and affairs. His drinking was getting worse , he also has undiagnosed mental health issues imo.

We have 2 dd's ages 6 and 19 months.

To cut a long story short. He took eldest dd out in March drank 4 pints of beer and drove her home. I have since said he can see both children at a relatives house when he wants but I am not comfortable with him taking them out as his drinking is out of control. Dd was upset that he 'drank beer' it was her who told me.

He has seen the children once in the last four weeks.

He has now said because I wont let him see the children he is getting a court order.

Where do I stand. What do I do if he does.

He doesn't contribute financially to the dd's. e

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 30/04/2013 21:33

I think it won't be to his advantage in quite the way he might imagine if it goes to court. Someone will be along with more informed advice but I think it would be better to get all this documented and formalised anyway.

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/04/2013 22:27

Have you had legal advice if not get some.
I have a very similar situation. The advice I have received was that this falls under the children's act and that issues affecting a parents ability to care for a child are serious and should be tackled quickly and directly.
I would really get some advice quickly so that you can follow the correct processes. It is very easy to appear the embittered ex if you haven't followed a clear course as it could fall to your word against his.

HerrenaHarridan · 30/04/2013 22:39

A) don't panic.

B) let him take you to court, that's fine. You are not breaking the law by refusing contact unless there is a court order demanding it.

C) as long as you are offering some form of contact you are in the right!

D) Shock he drove after a drink with his own kid in the back! Tell him that I'd he ever does this again you will contact the police, follow through if necessary.

Yy to contact solicitor

Original poster
Daisypops · 30/04/2013 22:40

Thank you for replying.

Its six month since we seperated and tbh im still recovering from 8 years if hell. I haven't felt strong enough to tackle issues with him but now is the time.

Do you suggest I see a solicitor that specialises in family law or can CAB advise on issues such as these?

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 30/04/2013 22:42

I would see a family law solicitor one who is a member of resolution.

cestlavielife · 01/05/2013 00:00

The issue you have is undiagnosed mh issues as you can't refer to them when they not diagnosed

And report of drinking based on a six year old s report...unless eg you could smell the beer on him and say you email him expressing concern about his drink driving and he responds saying "so what if I drink " ie confirming it...

You need some. Hard evidence .... But speak to solicitor

Original poster
Daisypops · 01/05/2013 08:09

He admitted he had 2 pints. Dd said it was 3/4. He was an alcoholic when I was with him.

I was at a restaurant with my mum and dd2 when he dropped dd1 off. He went straight to the bar and got a drink before bringing dd over to us!

Hes admitted in messages to me that he has a mh issue. Said he feels 'untethered'
I am reluctant to let him take two young children out when he appears 'unstable' and drinks which might aggravate it.

I will make an appointment

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 01/05/2013 11:33

many people go out to pub beer garden with children/to a party/barbecue and drink two pints... it isnt evidence in itself of over drinking/alcoholism. you would need witness account of him rolling down street drunk and incoherent while in charge of dd...

really you would need a report of something having happened while in his care to justify any suggestion that he may be neglectful of them. that is how it works unfortunately.

f he was treated for alcoholism by gp previously and there have been any police reports etc then you might have a case.

his emails dont count for much either - my ex has diagnosed severe mh episodes and i have copies of gp letters stating he has been unable to function, has severe anxiety etc. you need such letters from profressionals. lots of people write/declare "i am so depressed" bla bla bla without actually meaning they got clinical depression....

has there been contact since march?
have relatives facilitated contact?

has he been offfered and refused to attend?
what evidence do you have of offering contact on xx day and he hasnt turned up?
and really what hard evidence do you have that would justify only supervised contact ?

that would be what you needed for court.

iwantanafternoonnap · 01/05/2013 14:58

Document what you can and film if necessary. Document every time he sees them, every time he fails to turn up and the excuse he gives, every time you offer contact and he turns it down. Try and do all thus by email or text so you have proof. Let him take you to court and there is no legal aid now so I wouldn't worry. Is he really young to waste his beer money on court? It will cost him £200 to even put the paperwork in.

Email him and ask what he is doing about cutting down on his drinking? Make sure you look pro active about your children having a relationship with their father.

Original poster
Daisypops · 01/05/2013 19:13

Yes cestlavie many people drink in beer gardens with children present. But driving them home is another issue and one that doesn't sit right with me.

I have no hard evidence.

He hasn't seen them since easter weekend. He said on the phone a few weeks ago he'd take dd1 out for tea at the weekend. . We never heard from him again with arrangements.

Yes a relative facilitates contact. But he has a problem with women and the relative is female.

I dont arrange contact. He calls when it suits him.

Christmas 2011 he threatened suicide. The police were called but I dont want to raise that in case it affects his job.

OP posts:
balia · 01/05/2013 19:54

In terms of financially supporting them, you'll have to get that sorted separately - CSA.

I know how terrifying it is to think your DC's might be driven by someone who drinks to excess, my ex was just the same, but luckily DD was older than your DC's when we split. I used to do a lot of the ferrying about so he didn't need to drink and drive. I also had a lot of support from his family (my SIL was fantastic, God rest her) any chance of that for you? And later his new wife was wonderful - in fact DD is now 18 and keeps in contact with her Step mum (now also separated from ex) and not her Dad.

But I think the others are right, if you do take it to court it is likely that even if you push for supervised contact at first, he will get unsupervised contact (based on the current evidence.) And if you use a solicitor it will cost £1000's.

Original poster
Daisypops · 01/05/2013 20:17

Leaving it for now unless I receive something.

He can see dd at my relatives or I will offer to drop her off and collect her but then theres obviously the opportunity for him to drive her somewhere once ive left.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/05/2013 11:19

of course drink driving is a no no and you need to report him to police immedaitely if you have evidence he is drink diriving. they can stop him there and then...

keep good record of contact offered.

if he only calls when it suits why would he go to court to get regular contact? doesnt sound like he really wants it ?

good idea to wait - get everything from him by email to get a record

there will be a police record fom 2011 but that is now some time ago.

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