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Original poster

Accepting a 'loan' from my ex?

11 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 12/10/2012 09:19

My ex is insisting that we share the cost of DDs bus travel to school - We have a shared care 50:50 arrangement, but I get CSA from him and am fully prepared to pay for all of it; I insisted on the CSA because he uses money to control situations.

Anyhow, I have suggested that if he wants to split the cost, he can pay when she's with him, and I'll pay when she's with me.
he wants us to shared the cost of a three month pass, because he says it works out cheaper. I have worked out that its not that simple and depends on when the school holidays are etc, and its only a few £ cheaper each quarter. More importantly, I don't have the cash flow to pay up-front - it's a lot easier to find a few £ every other week than ££ every 3 months.

Ex is insisting that its cheaper to pay up front and has offered me the option of paying him back in weekly instalments to pay my half.

I'm not sure I want to do this; at most, I'll be saving £2 a week and I just don't like the idea!
But, I know my judgement is impaired as I don't like him much - what would you do?

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 12/10/2012 09:21

seems like common sense to me...

bananaistheanswer · 12/10/2012 09:42

It sounds like how he's behaved over other issues has made you stop and wonder what he can gain from this suggestion. On the face of it, it seems like a reasonable common sense suggestion. But, can he use this 'loan' to somehow pressure you over other issues? Or can you be sure it's just a one off stand alone arrangement that won't interfere with the overall arrangements?

boredandrestless · 12/10/2012 09:49

Hmm. Will he start deducting it off your maintenance payments as and when he sees fit. Will he then start to do this with other things (clothes, school stuff, etc).

Is the £2 a week saving over the whole year, taking into account the school holiday weeks? What would happen if she lost the 3 month bus pass? Who would pay for the replacement? I can buy myself a cheaper monthly bus pass but I don't and stick to the weekly one on the grounds that if I lost it I'd be down a lot of money, and that's only a monthly pass, not a 3 monthly one!

I'd say no I think.

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 12/10/2012 10:21

bored that's a really good point about losing it - lower value passes do reduce the risk should DD lose it; she's been great so far, but its only a matter if time if she's as scatty as her mother Grin

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 12/10/2012 10:35

wouldn't touch this idea of his with a barge pole, okay you might save a couple of kid, but it gives him leverage in other ways, if you can,t pay this week let's male an arrangement of some sort, you get the idea hon, instinct tells you not to do this, listen to that little voice, what happens if the pass got lost anyway there would be the cost of a new one and who pays for that? you could find yourself in a downward spiral and shorter of cash than you are now, if he insists on a pass let him buy it, don't get pushed/bullied into something you have doubts about.

mrsfuzzy · 12/10/2012 10:38

meant to ask are you getting money via the csa if not it might be an idea to do so in case he cuts up rough, esp, as he 'uses money to control things'.

TiAAAAARGHo · 12/10/2012 10:42

If he tends to use money as a means of controlling you, I wouldn't touch this with a barge pole.

kinkyfuckery · 12/10/2012 18:20

Would paying him your weekly cost of the bus travel (or giving it to your daughter to pay forward) be much different from you paying it directly to her bus travel when it was your 'turn' to pay?

Original poster
NotaDisneyMum · 12/10/2012 18:44

I wouldn't want to use DD as a go-between; I'm happy to give her cash to buy her own ticket on the days she leaves here - but asking her to hand over an amount once-a-week to her Dad isn't appropriate imo - an arrangement between me and her Dad shouldn't involve her.

I'm just wary because 1) he has a crap track record when it comes to financial management, and 2) he has tried to manipulate the way I spend money in the past by using DD's best interests to make me feel guilty.

And, it's not always going to be cheaper to buy a 3 month pass anyway - he takes her away to visit various family members during most school holidays and a lot of weekends, so there is no benefit to her having a bus pass on those days - I don't mind paying for something that she has the chance to use, even at weekends to see friends and stuff - but she can't if she's 100's of miles away!
He hasn't taken this into account in his calculations - he has just divided the cost by the total number of days the pass covers and hasn't taken into account that she won't be travelling to school on all of those days Confused

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 13/10/2012 10:48

notadisneymum, i think you've answered your own question as to what to do, stay in control of your own money and don't get pulled into his ideas, as for getting your d involved that should always be a no-no, these are adult matters.

purpleroses · 13/10/2012 13:15

How about he pays for the first bus pass and instead of paying him back each week you agree to put the money aside so that you pay for the next one?

Finding change for the bus each morning is a hassle that personally I'd try and do without.

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