contact with EX during contact visits

[Ticktock1]

Hi I am not a Lone parent, I am a step parent but would really appreciate your take on this. My DP and I have his DD two nights a week and every other weekend. She is 3yrs old and he has been split with his EXW for about a year and a half. I discovered last night that he has to text his EXW to tell her that DSD has gone to bed, what time she went to bed ect. The only reason I found out was because last night he forgot (it had been a long day and he wasn't feeling all that well) so his EXW called him to check. Is this normal? I don't have a problem with it or anything, I just wondered if this was how everyone works? It seems to me a tiny bit like she doesn't trust my DP, I have no children myself though so could be totally off. It isn't just the going to bed, its what time did DSD get up, what did she have for lunch, EXW does text quite a lot during DPs contact time. I'm sorry about the lack of paragraphs, I can't figure out on my stupid phone how to create them. Thanks!

He laughs it off, I did say to him last night what would your EXW do if you started texting her about these things. DP just laughed and said "I'm sure I'd get ignored". Its not an issue, I am quite new to being a SP and just wondered how things work in other families.

That just sounds annoying, and as you say, like your DP isnt trusted. Be careful though, if exw is like this, then potentially will change access deal if you stop doing it. Its a shame DP doesnt text her constantly so she can see how disruptive it is but i guess he knows her best and knows how she will respond.

I do the same for my XP when dd is with me. Bed time / when she woke / what she ate as well as a brief description of what we did through the day.

Generally it makes sense in terms of not repeating a meal and working out if she's likely to be tired or not.

XP texts me through the week to let me know they're both ok. I just see it as a courtesy.

I don't expect that kind of detail from my ex. He's had them 1-2 nights a week since they were v small. Only if he has them for longer than two nights at a time (eg on holiday), will I usually ring every other day, or possibly every day if I'm worried about them (eg - he took DS off on holiday with a newly broken arm last year and I was worried about him), but not more than that.

So her level of contact sounds a bit OTT to me personally, though if it's not bothering him and it's not overly intrusive into your lives, then it's not a big issue really. Could he try gently trying to wean her onto less frequent updates? Or reassure her that he will always contact her if there's anything to worry about, so she doesn't need to text him to ask?

I doubt she's trying to intrude really, (unless you think she's otherwise vindictive) - more likely just finding it hard to let go of being a full time parent and possibly not trusting him fully. She might start to ease off a bit as DSD gets older and more independent.

No its not intusive and the point MrGin makes is very valied although the childminder gives DSD breakfast and dinner 3 times a week so not too sure EXW is that concerned about repeat meals as she doesn't really deal with meal time. If this is a totally normal thing then that is cool and I won't make it problem. Everything is a learning curve at the moment!

When my dsd was that age we used to make sure she rang her mum before bed to say goodnight as we knew they missed each other when she stayed over night with us.

I think it depends on the family.

i think it is too much. does your DP expect his ex to do the same for him, when DSD is with her mum, i.e. text every few hours when she is in her care? sounds ridiculously controlling to me. when will it end? when DSD is 18?

When my daughter goes to stay with her dad and his fiance.....I text them (generally the fiance!) at night just to see how my DD is. They have no problems with that. Its not about wanting to "check up on them"...its the fact that it means i can go to bed and rest easy knowing my daughter is happy.

Its easier now i text his fiance as my ex would take it in a "you dont trust me" way and wouldnt listen. But another woman (even tho she doesnt have kids) understands its purely for my piece of mind.

If DD stays over at grandmas etc...i do the same thing. Its not about control..its just about wanting to know your child is safe. Just coz she isnt with me doesnt mean i switch off! xx

I think it's nice that you care enough about being a good step parent to be asking these kind of questions.

I'm not sure whether this is normal or not but speaking for myself, this kind of request would reflect my feelings about my DD rather than my exp. It does suggest she's a little controlling perhaps but not in a bad way (a bad way might be insisting on a particular bed time). It also might indicate she's just struggling a little bit with being separated from her little girl, a feeling I'm not unfamiliar with. If this is her coping mechanism, that's probably okay and no reflection on your husband's ability to parent.

Best of luck in your new role, you sound like you'll do a grand job.

I think its probabyly got a lot to do with the age of DD then not trusting your partner. Its quite hard to let go of your baby for the night and shes still very young the mums probably been working hard on bedtimes and routines and things and just worrying and missing her.

I know her dad probably misses her when shes with him but I just think its different for mums who normally do most of the childcare.

My DD will start overnight with her Dad when she turns three and I think I would txt just to see how she had been Im not used to not seeing her all the time. Whereas her dad has never lived with us so it would be a bit odd if he txted me.

Well done you on showing so much concern about you DSD

Thanks for all of the replys, it seems the genaral opinion is that's its just a concerned mum making sure her DD is happy. I don't have any DC's yet so all new to me! DSD has only been doing over nights for 6 months so maybe as she gets older and as my DP has had her more his EXW might text a little less.